The couples taking relationship 'gap years'

An increasing number of married couples are spending planned time apart. Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Like many couples, Viva and her husband John had spent more than enough time with each other during the pandemic. Viva, who is 40 and originally from the Philippines, but lives in the UK, longed to spend time with her family when restrictions lifted, while John had work commitments at home.

But John had a suggestion.

Rather than either of them compromising on how they wanted to spend their time post-lockdowns, why not spend it apart? The couple were also healing from miscarriage, and they thought a breather could be good for them.

At first, Viva was unsure. She hadn’t been away from John for a prolonged period since they were married seven years earlier. But she was eventually convinced – and she hasn’t looked back. The couple are now three months into a planned separation, which Viva has spent in Manila with family. John has been able to visit his own family in Ireland, take work trips and is planning a vacation in Denmark.

Some people might think choosing to spend so much time apart would be the death knell of a relationship, but Viva and John have found that it has reinvigorated their marriage. “We keep in touch every day, through WhatsApp, Facebook and email,” says Viva. “It’s like going back to how it was at the start of our relationship.”

Viva isn’t the only one looking for a way out of her marriage, at least temporarily. Some counsellors and relationship therapists report coming across couples that don’t see a desire to sample a new life without their partner as a sign that a relationship is over. Instead, some are choosing to take a so-called relationship ‘gap-year’, to give them the space to explore different interests, travel experiences and – in some cases – sexual partners.

But can a gap-year really strengthen a relationship, or is it a sign that couples are on course for a split?

Putting yourself first

Long-term relationships inevitably come with a certain amount of restriction. They might mean committing to staying in a certain city, compromising on some of your wants and ambitions and remaining sexually monogamous.

Yet this doesn’t have to be the case. In a world where relationships are becoming increasingly varied, some are deciding to write their own rules.

“Couples might choose to take a relationship gap-year because of job opportunities, a desire to live in a location that they have always dreamed of that is away from the home, or pursuit of personal interests,” says Marisa T Cohen, a relationship scientist and psychology professor who works as a researcher at dating app Hily. “People are most likely to take a pause in a relationship when going through a transition, such as changing jobs or becoming empty nesters.”

The idea of taking time apart during a period of transition certainly resonates with Marc and his wife Sam, who took a relationship gap when they were 31 and 32, respectively. While, for most couples, getting married means starting a great adventure together, Marc and Sam, who are both based in London, decided that they wanted to begin their honeymoon apart. Marc wanted to pursue his passion for marine biology, while Sam wanted to train as a yoga instructor. The newlyweds decided to take several months away from their relationship: Sam at an ashram in India, and Marc at a shark-research station in the Bahamas.

“We figured it would probably be the last chance for us to do that sort of thing alone, and both were dreams that we didn’t want to let go of,” says Marc. “It gave us the time to really think about each other, and reflect on what marriage meant to us.”

The couple are now back together and remain happily married, and Marc argues his time away from Sam strengthened their relationship. Sam was able to jumpstart a career integrating clinical psychology and yoga therapy, and he was able to fulfil his dream of working with sharks, while also putting to bed his fantasy of switching fields full-time.

It meant neither of them had any lingering sense of ‘what-if’ in their fledgling marriage, and that they were confident they could survive periods apart. “Marriage isn’t about letting go of the things that you feel passionate about, but about finding someone you can support – and be supported by – to pursue those passions,” says Marc.

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Why relationship gap-years might be on the rise

Marc is not alone in seeing marriage as a place where individual passions and interests can still thrive. This outlook may play an important role in why relationship gap-years could be becoming more common.

Research shows individualism – defined as seeing independence and uniqueness as important traits – has been globally on the rise since at least the 1960s. People who are individualistic tend to place greater importance on friendships compared to family, and think it is important to prioritise self-expression. These traits might make the idea of taking a break from a relationship to focus on personal goals, ambitions or interests more appealing. It means traditional constructions of long-term relationships or marriages as places of compromise and self-sacrifice might be becoming less appealing to some people.

There’s also the fact that many people are increasingly approaching relationships with greater flexibility as well as a much broader definition of what a successful marriage or partnership looks like.

A rising number of people are now engaging in unconventional relationship structures, with arrangements such as consensual non-monogamy and platonic life partners becoming more commonplace. With data showing millennials are driving a declining divorce rate in the US, some experts speculate that tolerance for a broader spectrum of relationships – including ones where couples take time apart from each other – could actually be keeping couples together.

Rather than leaving a relationship where people feel unhappy or unfulfilled, they can instead adapt it to suit the needs of both partners. “If both partners are on the same page, then taking a gap can lead to relationship growth,” says Cohen. “It can allow both members of the couple to further grow as individuals, which leads to personal development and fulfilment that feeds back into the relationship.”

A ‘graceful exit’ or a fresh outlook?

Viva and Marc might have found that a relationship gap was beneficial for their relationship, but this isn’t always the case. For some, a suggestion from their partner that they should spend time apart might seem like a warning sign.

Tom Murray, a sex therapist and professor at Adler University, US, believes that for some couples, gap-years can signal deeper issues. He argues the most common reasons that couples choose to take a break are because of boredom, a desire for sexual exploration and a grass-is-always-greener belief that happiness can be found outside their current situation. If partners are not on the same page about their intentions for taking time apart, then a relationship can rapidly break down.

“The primary downside is that human beings are very fickle,” he says. “Because we are social creatures, we yearn to belong and be in community with others, therefore if jealousy and insecurity are present, then I doubt that a relationship would survive [a gap year]. And if there are unspoken agendas, such as a desire to exit gracefully from the relationship, then things can dissolve very quickly.”

Although Murray is sceptical of relationship gap-years, he adds they can work – particularly when communication is prioritised by both partners.

He says it is important to think about practical issues such as joint expenses, responsibilities and potential emergencies as well as the emotional complexities of spending time apart. He also suggests agreeing on a definitive end-date and on what is acceptable behaviour when apart.

“I would strongly encourage couples considering taking a relationship gap-year to consider their motivations,” he says. “What would have to happen for them to agree that the gap-year was a success? I would encourage them to come up with a vision for their relationship to ensure that their behaviours when apart are in service of the relationship that they want to sustain in future.”

Nurturing a relationship through a long period apart can be a challenge, but for many couples it can make a marriage stronger more easily than it can break one.

Reflecting on her time away from her husband and their upcoming reunion, Viva is positive about the experience. “Spending time apart has been good for our relationship,” she says. “In our case, absence does make the heart grow fonder. It’s freshened our relationship. We appreciate and love each other more.”