How do the bereaved cope on Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day has long proved a divisive date in the calendar. For some it gives a welcome opportunity to show their love with flowers, chocolates and a romantic meal, while cynics bemoan the commerciality of the occasion.

But for others 14 February can be a painful annual event, when the grief of an absent partner is pulled into sharp focus.

Joanne Wehrle, project officer at Sheffield charity Hope Trauma Support, says alongside Christmas Day and a deceased partner's birthday, Valentine's Day can be "one of the toughest".

She says: "It stirs up lots of memories and when there's loads of lovely things on social media and in magazines and on the television, that person can feel more acutely that they haven't got their loved one."

For 81-year-old Vin Rigby from Waterthorpe in Sheffield, his grief is still raw.

His wife of 60 years, Josie, only passed away in January.

"It was only in the last year that she went downhill. Her weight loss was spectacular," he says.

"I remember her sitting chatting to her older brother Harry, happy as Larry, laughing her head off. Two hours later she was gone."

The former baker, who met his wife at Arthur Davy & Sons bakery in Sheffield city centre, admits he "can't get any closure" yet but will spend the weekend thinking of happier memories of their days travelling around Europe.

Don Bullock, from Mexborough, now 92, was a soldier in the East Yorkshire Regiment. He still remembers his first date with Barbara, his wife of 55 years.

"We watched The Thing at the Roxy Picture House in Swinton and shared cigarettes," he says.

"Words cannot describe my love for her.

"When she passed away in 2009 it was like my life was over but I'll always have her at my shoulder."

Tracy Bevis is a grief therapist from Doncaster who runs a weekly grief cafe in Tickhill for people looking to share their memories.

She says for many bereaved people, Valentine's Day has been "redefined".

"Three widows at the cafe use the 14th as a day to go out on the tiles. So for them it's a 'Galentine celebration' and then they don't feel left out," she says.

Bevis says there are many other "rituals" that provide people with comfort.

"Some people like to write memories down and do some journaling. Some find actually still buying a card or a gift is right for them," she says.

"Others might have a picture they want to put flowers at the side of or play some of their favourite music that they used to listen to together."

Ilma Marsden, 78, from Barnsley, jokes her late husband Terry was not really the "luvvy duvvy" kind.

"He didn't bother with Valentine's cards but he was good to me all year round," she says.

The couple were married for 33 years before Terry died of Alzheimer's, with Ilma caring for him in his last years.

"I used to call him 'Chu-chum' - he was my one love," she says.

Nick Smithson, 58, from Sothall, lost his wife Dawn to cancer a few years ago.

After being together for 20 years, they decided to get married after her 50th birthday. She died just nine weeks after the wedding.

He says stepdaughter Chloe will always "feel like my own" but moving on after the bereavement has been "tricky" to navigate.

"It's impossible to put into words how difficult it is and how painful it is and I've still got that zest for life and I've still got Chloe who makes me proud every single day.

"But you just also want that person in your life to share things with and to turn to when you need them."

Having found love again, the widower acknowledges that it is a tough position for his new partner.

"Dawn will always be part of me - I'm like two people now - and Shell's accepted that.

"She's taken on two people and I don't know what's right or wrong in life, but I know I've got to keep going.

"I've got to remain positive and happy and do it for Dawn."

For anyone worried about how they might feel over the Valentine's weekend, Wehrle says: "It's OK not to be OK.

"You can just acknowledge the feelings you feel without the pressure of having to be OK.

"Feel how you feel."

• If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this story, information and support can be found at the BBC's Action Line.

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