How one motherless mum found her 'village' on TikTok

3 hours ago

Kirsteen O'SullivanSouth of England

News image — Abbie was pregnant with her daughter when her own mother Jayne died

BBC A young woman with long auburn wavy hair smiles into the camera with a baby girl sitting on her lap. The child is also smiling at the camera. — Abbie was pregnant with her daughter when her own mother Jayne died

"I know it takes a village [to raise a child] but even having the biggest village can feel like the loneliest place if you don't have your mum."

Abbie Matwiejczyk was pregnant when she lost her own mum Jayne to cancer.

Managing intense grief and loss as she welcomed her daughter into the world, she said she turned to TikTok to find her own community, connecting with other mums going through a similar experience.

Abbie is one of thousands of women struggling with this often invisible challenge, said charity The Motherless Mothers, which wants to see greater awareness and tailored support for mums without mothers or a maternal figure.

The 29-year-old, from Swindon, Wiltshire, told the BBC she felt health professionals did not know how to broach the subject of losing her mum, leading her to find solace and support in online communities.

"It's like feeling really lost all the time and I just find myself second guessing everything," she said.

"It's the help you would have had as well, I think. Having people that actually relate to it is the one thing that's made the biggest difference to me."

The Motherless Mothers has said women like Abbie "often feel unseen, misunderstood, and unsupported".

Adina Belloli, the charity's co-founder, said: "It's under-researched, there's no awareness, healthcare professionals don't really understand the language around this and the significance that it can have."

Two women smile into the camera, their heads together. the one on the left has shoulder length blonde hair and is wearing a dark grey top, the one on the right has long brown hair and is wearing a pale pink jumper. — The Motherless Mothers co-founders Louise (left) and Adina set up the charity after finding each other on Facebook

Dr Alain Gregoire set up a specialist mother and baby mental health unit in Hampshire for women with severe mental health problems in pregnancy and postnatally.

The consultant psychiatrist said: "We absolutely should be routinely asking all mums during maternity what support they have around them and, of course as part of that, 'is your mum around to support you?'," he said.

"Because she will be one of the most critical people in your life, particularly at this time. If she's not there, it's going to have an impact."

A woman with wavy brown bobbed hair looks just to the side of the camera with a slight frown. she is wearing dark-rimmed glasses and a blue and white striped blouse. — Mum-of-two Clare says "nobody sees... a sense of intense grief"

Clare Cogan, from Marlow, Buckinghamshire, has two sons, aged 17 and 20, and said she has been estranged from her mother for 18 months.

"Day to day, I can meet my boys' emotional and practical needs but, when we hit a significant moment or a bump in the road, I've got nobody to turn to," said the 47-year-old.

"I have achieved a sense of peace but the other side that nobody sees and appreciates is a sense of intense grief," she said.

Becoming a motherless mum can happen for lots of reasons and at different times and The Motherless Mothers said it supports mums whose mothers are absent due to "loss, illness, estrangement or any situation whereby maternal presence and support are missing".

The charity's other co-founder, Louise Kirby Kirby-Jones, said: "We need to give it a voice and we need to let the world know how hard it is for women who are mothering without a mum."