I died and came back to life. Now I just want to feel joy every day

Exactly five years ago, Grace Victory posted a two-word update on her social media channels.

It said simply: "I'm awake."

The writer and YouTube star had not been asleep. She had just emerged from a coma, during which she missed the first three months of her baby son's life.

Now, after extensive therapy, Grace, 35, says she feels more content than ever and has come to terms with what happened to her five years ago.

"I've had to reclaim my life and how I want to live it," she says.

It was December 2020. Grace had coronavirus and could barely breathe.

She was so ill she begged doctors to deliver her baby two months early. They agreed, and Cyprus was born by emergency C-section.

Two days later, on Boxing Day, Grace, from High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, was placed in a coma.

She had a cardiac arrest and underwent a tracheostomy while still unconscious and was given a 5% chance of survival.

Grace was fortunate to have no brain damage when she was brought out of her coma.

"The doctors told me I actually died for five minutes. I fought to come back to my baby boy. I wasn't going anywhere," she says.

"I was very determined. "The doctors said I probably wouldn't be able to drive or run again. I said, 'Absolutely not'.

"If I'm going to have a second chance of life, it will be the life that I want."

She had to learn to walk and talk again but says the hardest part was coming to terms with having missed out on so many milestones with Cyprus.

Grace missed his first smile, his first cry and his first bath, and was not able to breastfeed him. She was only allowed to see him for an hour a day while she was in intensive care.

She started therapy the moment she could talk, while still in hospital, to work through the grief she felt.

She continues to have therapy every week and says she has been able to process the experience "quite deeply".

Three years ago, Grace and her partner Lee had a little girl, called Kamiko. Having two small children while dealing with her trauma has been challenging, she says.

"The last few years have been difficult for me with my mental health. I felt stressed a lot of the time and I know what stress can do to your body.

"I started to explore what was going on because I was not enjoying parenting and I felt out of control. I was desperate to enjoy motherhood.

"It has taken years for what happened to me not to impact my every day. There are days now where I don't think about it at all. My therapist says I'm in a period of post-traumatic growth."

Grace's only lasting physical issue is that one of her hands does not fully work.

"Given what I went through, it's wild that it's the only thing I'm left with. I'm the healthiest and fittest I've ever been," she says.

Alongside the therapy, Grace has started exercising for short periods every day and says the difference in how she feels is "huge".

"For someone who was in intensive care for 98 days, when I couldn't move a lot, I just like to keep moving.

"In the past, I associated moving and eating well with trying to be thinner and there were feelings of shame there, but now I've reframed the way I look at exercise.

"Exercise has helped me regulate my nervous system and become a calmer person.

"After all the drugs in hospital and not being able to walk for so long, my digestion was awful. I started taking probiotics and over time, my energy and brain fog started to improve, too.

"I'm looking after myself because I deserve it and I want to be around for my children for a long time to come."

Grace, who has been a content creator since she started a YouTube channel aged 21, used to set goals and was always "looking to the future", but is now trying to find happiness in the "very small things".

"You will never feel happy or satisfied in life if you are always chasing something. It is up to you if you see the magic in the mundane," she says.

Grace says she is working on being more present, more patient and less distracted.

"I used to manifest and was very motivated and ambitious, but I just want to feel joy every day – that's the goal for me.

"I used to chase the highs and the big moments; the big career opportunities. Being ill taught me that life happens every day and you can't control it.

"Things can come along and change your plans in an instant so I try not to make them any more. I want to slow down; it's imperative to rest and it's OK to not be productive all the time."

Reflecting on the events of five years ago, she says: "I became a mum and subsequently died, six weeks later.

"I wouldn't say that I'm grateful for dying and coming back to life but I think I'm now OK with that experience and where it has led me.

"If it hadn't happened, I would probably be a different person and a person that I wouldn't like as much."

• Details of support with mental health & self-harm are available at BBC Action Line

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