My rapist told me I should forgive him because I'm Christian

A woman whose partner told her she should forgive his physical, emotional and sexual abuse because "God has forgiven me" has described how spiritual abuse "creeps up on you".

Grace, not her real name, was subjected to manipulation and abuse by a man she was dating, who used her Catholic faith against her and went on to rape her.

The 51-year-old's then partner declared his love for her "in front of god" and later suggested forgiveness was "the Christian thing to do".

It comes as campaigners raise awareness of spiritual abuse – a type of coercive control focused on faith.

The Catholic church said the abuse Grace experienced was "horrific" and it was working to offer more support.

It added the "weaponisation of forgiveness" was something it saw "very often".

Warning: This story contains distressing content including details of domestic abuse, sexual assault and suicidal thoughts

A study by the University of Chester in 2021 with 192 Christian respondents found 60% of those who were survivors of domestic abuse had experienced spiritual abuse.

When Grace, from south Wales, met her abuser, she was in her 40s, recently divorced and in a "down place".

"He ticked all the boxes. He was affectionate, he was gentle, he was loving, he was funny.

"He appreciated the fact I was a Christian girl and went to church. That meant a lot... he said he wanted to learn more about faith.

"I learned later it was a lie."

Grace recalled her partner joining her in prayer, asking questions, and even attending midnight mass on their first Christmas together.

"He held my hand and then said, 'In the eyes of your god, I want you to know I'm yours forever.'"

She said that "shifted everything into my responsibility" but, at the time, she thought he was amazing for wanting to "join me on my spiritual path".

Despite this, she knew "there was something brewing".

His "intensity" and "constant attention" confused her.

"Spiritual abuse, it's not loud, it doesn't come crashing in. It looks nothing like what people imagine domestic abuse to be."

She added it was "almost snaky", starting gradually.

During a camping trip, Grace said he woke at 03:00 wanting to leave, kicked their tent with her still in it, and called her a "traitor to god".

"He'd never kicked off before, he'd never done anything before," she said.

She originally did not call the police, putting it down to "a bad day", but he later tried to kick her door down and she feared he was going to kill her.

He was arrested but later that evening he returned, acting as though nothing had happened.

According to Grace, he said: "Come on love, forgiveness - isn't that what you people preach?"

He added it was a "one off" and "god has forgiven me".

Grace dropped the charges against him and, when he joined her at church the next day, reiterating his regret, she felt apologising in front of god "must mean something".

But a few days later, Grace said, he "kicked off again", confronting her about the mileage on her car and claiming she was going to visit someone.

"He could repeat tiny snippets from the Bible that suit him.

"When those little words get in your brain, and you're a strong Christian person, it blows your mind."

Grace said she stopped going to church because she "couldn't face the shame" of the community knowing someone she had known for six months was "turning into a manipulative, coercive, horrible man".

Further incidents led to a restraining order, but still the man turned up at Grace's house, telling her she should "know I love you because I told you in front of your god".

Grace said she was stuck in a cycle of grand gestures of love, followed by escalating violence, which continued for months.

"Slowly but surely, [your] faith is eradicated by their controlling behaviour," she said.

On New Years' Eve - more than a year into their relationship - he came to her house and told her he was going for anger management counselling.

"There was no reason to think anything bad was going to happen," she said.

They went to bed and, a few hours later, she awoke to him raping her.

He then asked her a few times if she was OK.

"I just looked at him and said 'you're an animal'," she recalled, adding that he responded: "Sex is healthy in a relationship, it says that in the Bible."

Grace contacted a support hotline which advised her to attend a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) for tests, and call the police.

Afterwards, she sat in her church, praying, for nearly two hours.

"I felt really bad because I'd sort of pushed god to one side, for him. I felt spiritually ashamed of myself."

Despite police officers telling her it was rape, Grace still felt she had a duty of forgiveness.

But when her abuser sent her a message which read "Lol, you'll be saying I raped you next", she finally pressed charges.

He was later convicted of rape and intimidation by a jury and jailed for nine years.

Grace thought "life can't get any worse" but then, due to a lot of time off work and damage to her house at the hands of her ex-partner, she lost both her job and her accommodation.

She found herself "jobless, homeless, worthless, used, abused, discarded" and had thoughts of suicide.

For eight weeks, she lived in her car and hotels and began doubting her decision to leave her partner.

Speaking to an Independent Sexual Violence Adviser (ISVA) and an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser (IDVA) helped Grace understand she was a victim and they supported her to get a house through a charity.

She is now working on rebuilding her faith and says, while she is in some ways "in a closer place with god", she struggled with feeling able to be open about her experience within the church community.

"I've attended a few different churches but the church I'd call home, I haven't managed to put that foot through the door yet," she said.

She added she felt spiritual abuse was not talked about enough, and the church needed to have an "open door" where people could share their concerns, "regardless of relationship status".

The Roman Catholic church said it aimed to address "domestic abuse and other forms of gender-based violence in faith settings, including spiritual abuse".

Nikki Dhillon Keane, founder of the Safe in Faith project based in the Diocese of Westminster, said she was "deeply saddened to hear about the horrific abuse that Grace was subjected to".

"Sadly, all her experiences fit exactly with what we know about spiritual abuse... in particular the weaponisation of forgiveness is something we see very often."

She added it was "a deeply twisted version of true forgiveness, which should never put someone at increased risk of harm" and "by far the most effective and devastating way to control them" but was "still not talked about enough".

She added Safe in Faith trained Catholic clergy and parishes to "understand spiritual abuse and to develop trauma-informed responses to support people like Grace".

Caroline Plant, who runs charity Action on Spiritual Abuse, was inspired to support others by her own experience, which came in a different form to Grace's case.

Her religious parents took her to a Pentecostal church community outside of Wales when she was 14.

Caroline said she was a wayward teenager, and her parents believed they were leaving her in a good Christian home, but it was there that "scripture started to be used to control and manipulate".

On leaving one conference meeting in tears, a pastor told her "if you leave now, you'll go to hell".

She attended the church's school where she sat her exams and was then encouraged to marry someone within the church – which she did aged 18 - and reject her family back home in Pembrokshire, as the church was her new family.

Feeling like she was living in a "cult", Caroline sought help to leave the community with her children in 1997.

She now lives in St Davids, still attends church and is very passionate about her work to improve training on spiritual abuse in schools and churches.

"People always ask, why did you not just leave? It's not as simple as that. I was convinced god was going to strike me down," she said.

She said seeking support was made more difficult when people "didn't understand the Christian concept".

"Faith is part of you, it's a really important part and you can't just separate that out."

The BBC understands that the school and church Caroline went to has since closed down.

Last year, charity Victim Support launched a new service, Safe Spaces, for survivors of church-related abuse across Wales and England.

The service is jointly funded by Anglican and Catholic Church in England and Wales (CCEW), but run independently by the charity and developed in collaboration with people who have experience spiritual abuse.

Its chief executive, Diana Fawcett, said victims of sexual, physical and psychological abuse faced an increased risk of mental health problems, and "this can particularly impact victims of church-based abuse".

"We are pleased to be able to give victims a safe channel to access specialist services completely independently from the police or any faith-based institution."

If you've been affected by the issues in this story, help and support is available via BBC Action Line.