'As pikin, my papa dress me as boy for 10 years to protect me'

Small Nilofar Ayoubi face still red from di slap wey she chop as she just dey play for road for Kunduz, for northern Afghanistan.

She neva even fully clock four years old wen one strange man wey get bear-bear, just come her front, dey touch her chest to find her "femininity". Afta im slap her finish e come tell am say if e see her without her hijab again na her papa go hear am.

Nilofar remember wetin happun about 23 years ago, for interview with BBC Outlook say, "I go house dey cry and my papa vex sotay im face turn red."

"I remember say im just dey waka up and down and dey tok say, 'who born am well make e touch you?'"

Den im decide, "e say make my mama bring scissors cut my hair, tell am say make she dress me as boy."

Nilofar bin grow for Afghanistan wen Taliban bin first rule di kontri from 1996 to 2001. For like 10 years, she bin live as boy to fit escape di kain control wey di group bin dey put on top women dem.

Today, as she dey live in exile for Poland, she don dey tink back to her childhood, dey tok how e be to grow for one of di most conservative areas for di world, di one wia di gender wey dem born you go determine di kain rights you go get.

Growing up

Dem born Nilofar for 1996, even though her passport say na 1993 dem born am. Her papa bin want make she start school sharparly afta American force Taliban enta hiding for Afghanistan for 2001.

"To be boy give you power, even if you be two-year-old pikin and you be male, e mean say you get respect pass di mama wey born you. Wen you reach four like dis, you fit be your mama legal chaperone... she be like slave, and as woman, you dey invisible."

Nifolar say na im make e become common for families to dress dia daughters as boys, most especially if di family no get "male provider", because of fear say man wey get money fit jam woman wey no get provider to make am im next wife.

"For my case, e dey different. No be sake of say I no get male provider, na so I fit live my life freely."

Freedom

As she stay dia with her new barbed hair and as she dey wear her bothers old clothes, Nilofar bin no sabi how her life go take change.

"I start to get di same treatments as my brothers. I fit follow my papa go market with my boy clothes. I fit enta bus go see sports. I bin get friends for our area, and I go dey outside dey play all di time".

But her sisters continue to live how Afghan women bin dey live dat time. Dem still need to cover dia hair even wen dem dey inside house and wear cloth wey go cover all dia bodi and na tins wey dia papa no like.

"My papa bin no like make we wia those traditional yellow dresses for house. E go always quarrel with my mama say, 'why you no dey dress dem well? Dis dress too long. Why dis dress loose like dis?'"

Building confidence

Nilofar say to grow up with two identities make am feel different. Di only pesin wey bin sabi wetin she bin go through na her best friend wen she dey grow up , wey be girl wey dey live as boy too. And di two of dem togeda be like partners in crime for di kain wahala dem carry demselves enta.

Nilofar remember say, "we bin dey as partners in crime, everytime, dem wan catch one of us, di oda one go save am."

She say she dey confident as her life as boy sotay e dey hard for pipo to guess say na girl she be. For public, she go do like oda boys dey yab girls say dem look "sexy".

But because of dis freedom, she no learn how to live as Afghan woman in di traditional way and she no fit dey close to her sisters.

"I neva gel with my sisters. I no understand wetin dia world be like. Na why I no know about how girls dey get dia period."

Nilofar bin see adverts for sanitary pads for TV but she no sabi wetin dem dey use am for.

One day, I find one under carpet, run go meet my papa say, "Oh daddy, see wetin I find, like wetin dey TV. E dey funny. How dem dey use am?" My papa just look me say, 'I no know'.

"Den I go ask my sister. I remember say my sister curse me collect am back for me."

Even den, nobody bin tink say we suppose tell am about menstruation.

Back to girl

Afta Nilofar fight ogbonge judo session at di age of 13, she start to dey feel pain for leg and she just wan sleep but as she enta bathroom see as she dey bleed fear catch am but she no know say dat go lead to anoda ogbonge about turn for her life again.

"Di next day, I tell my friend and she laff me call me stupid, ask weda my sister no tell me". Na her friend wey dey follow am act like boy show am wetin those pads wey she see for television dey do.

"I go house and my mama see sometin dey comot from my cloth and instead of am to come comfort me, she start to dey ask say why you need grow sharp-sharp like dis?"

Her mama bin cry because she know say Nilofar future go resemble her and her oda daughters wey dey confined to dia house.

For Nilofar, gan-gan, di mata hard for am. "We get dis myth say if you cross under rainbow, you fit change your gender. I bin no like say I be girl sotay I go cry for night for my bed, dey pray say make God let me cross under rainbow."

Rebellious

Nilofar years as “boy” give am rebellious spirit, wey see am create groups for school dey teach girls about changes for dia bodi. E also make am go India go study wey shape how she see marriage.

"Proposals plenti even wen I dey young but my papa bin always dey protective. E say 'she no go marry now, she go finish her studies den she go choose'."

Las-las, Nilofar marry for 2016 wen she bin dey 19. She say, e be like her husband bin fill di hole wey her papa leave wen e die di year before she marry.

"Of course e no fit replace my papa but e dey supportive."

Escape

Nilofar family come grow and move go di capital wey be Kabul, wia dem open furniture stores. wen dem dey ball pass, dia businesses bin employ reach 300 pipo, most of dem na women wey no get male provider.

But by 2021 wen Taliban don dey get territory as di US and im allies wan comot Afghanistan, na wen Nilofar family reason am and go underground.

As di kasla bin dey for Kabul, dem go safehouse near her business as her mama and sisters remain for di oda side of di city.

Nilofar bin dey gist international tori pipo wetin dey happun for ground as di kasala burst.

Na one of di reporters wey be Polish ask Nilofar if her and her family dey any of di evacuation list wey go make dem leave di kontriy. Nilofar tell am no and e tell her to give am one hour.

Na so dem add am put one WhatsApp group wey tell dem to go Kabul Airport in 24 hours and no carry anytin wey pass two backpacks.

"My mama bin dey dia dey hold di Holy Book and na di last time I see my mama, my home".

A new life

Nilofar and her family dey stay for Poland now, Before dem enta di plane to go, dem no know plenti tins about di kontri.

Yet, even with di wahala, she don turn advocate for women rights for her kontri and di world. She don go Brussels, Germany and di US to tok her tori.

As she tink back for her life Nilofar say, na both "blessing and curse".

"Na curse sake of say e break me. I no fit fully be woman and I no fit fully be man. But e be blessing sake of say I fit see both sides, wey make me di strong woman I be today."

This text dey written by Rafael Abuchaibe from di BBC radio programme Outlook. UK readers fit hear di full programme here.