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There should be a'Mothers' Olympics'
By Margaret Heatley

Every four years Olympics are held
To show the world's best athletes
They display their skills so graceful
Achieving most amazing feats.

Weeks, months and years of training
Prepares the swimmer for the race
Every stroke must be perfection
And timed exactly to a pace.

To help an athlete reach his goal
He employs a trainer, coach and dietician –
To tell him why and what to do
And how to eat for good nutrition.

But there’s an ancient occupation
That gets no laurels round the head
It doesn’t merit medals either
Well, because it’s just ‘motherhood’.

There should be a 'Mothers' Olympics'
And I’d be proud to enter mine
Oh, indeed she’d need some coaxing
But once in Athens she would shine.

“It’s the morning’s work that counts”
Would sit boldly on her banner
As she sudsed up the washboard
In a record-breaking manner.

Russians, Chinese and Koreans
Would marvel at her two-point plan
On how to chastise bold children
Who are troublesome and thran.

“Take a wooden spoon in the hand
And say you mean to end this farce
If that fails, and it may well do,
Swipe a skelp across their arse”.

Ten out of ten she’d score for caring
If anyone was injured or in pain.
Her patience and understanding
Would soon have them up and running again.

From a blue ‘Milk of Magnesia’ bottle
Administered in two large doses
She can eradicate hoose and ringworm
Toothache, gout and thrombosis.

She would change the present fashion
By issuing everyone with a vest.
There’d be a ban on pierced belly buttons
And she’d tell you to ‘cover up your chest’.

When we got dresses from America
That would turn heads at the local dances
She made us wear a gansey underneath
Which ruined our best chances.

There’ll be no pasta dishes served
When Katie Begley is around
But boiled bacon, green cabbage
And Kerr’s Pink spuds by the pound.

No, she had no special training
Only common sense in her apron fold
But if there were ‘Olympics for Mothers’
I'd put mine on the podium for 'Gold'.

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