'Wohunga umugabo wawe agukubise – ariko ntubishobora iyo ari umwana wawe'

Abavyeyi benshi ntibigera biterwa umutima uhagaze no kugirirwa nabi n'umwana wabo w'amatati, w'amahane canke w'urugomo, ariko iyo bishitse, bagira amadidane.

Ntibashobora guca bata ngo bahunge - kandi bashobora kugira ubwoba ko basavye ubufasha bishobora kugira ingaruka kuri uwo mwana wabo.

Ubushakahatsi bwerekana ko izo ngorane kenshi zihishwa, kandi ko zishika cane kurusha uko muvyibaza.

Mu ci riheze, Aidan w'imyaka 10 yafashe ingingo yo kwica imbwa (y'indarukazi) batunze. Aca arayihendahendesha isosiso (saucisson) ayijana inyuma y'intebe aca arayipfunga amazuru yongera arayifata mw'izosi.

Nyina wa Aidan, Hazel, avuga ko 'igitangaje ni uko ari we wa mbere mu kudukunda jewe n'iyo mbwa kurusha abandi bose."

"Ariko iyo mbwa nanje ni twe babiri yama atoteza kandi rimwe na rimwe arayibabaza kugira asomborotse ico novuga canke nokora."

Aidan arakubita, araseka, yahora aryana amenyo. Abwira Hazel ko amwanka kandi ko ashaka ko apfa, ko azorondera inkoho akamurasa.

Yaragerageje kumutembagaza mu ngazi, ubu naho kuva amenye ko hari ivyo atabona neza, kuko asanganywe ubumuga bw'amaso - aramutera ibintu atabona ko bije bimugana. Ejo bundi yamuteye ibirika (kettle), amahirwe yose ntiyari ishushe - ariko Aidan ntiyari azi ko idashushe igihe yayiraha akayimutera.

Hazel avuga ati: "Bisa n'uguhohoterwa, nk'inyifato yo kuryagagura. Mbona umenga ndi mu ndyane zo mu rugo. Uravuga uti umunsi umugabo yonkubita irya mbere, nzoca niruka ndamubise, ariko si ko ubigenza ari uwana wawe, si vyo? Kuko ni wewe ujejwe gukingira umwana wawe, mu rundi ruhande ukaba uwo akorera amabi."

Imbugita zose zo mu nzu zarugaraniwe aho adashika kuva Aidan ahitanye imbugita mu kabati akaja gutera uwundi muntu wo mu muryango. Ariko akoresha ikintu cose gikarishe abonye hafi - umukasi, canke coupe-ongle (yo guca inzara).

Hazel avuga ko ''Kuri we, ikintu cose gishobora gukoreshwa mu gutera amahane (urugomo). N'umunyamahane kandi abona amahane mu kintu icarico cose. Ntidushobora no kurabana ikiganiro gisanzwe c'abana kuko habayemwo akantu na gato k'amahane, azogasubiramwo, agasubiremwo, yongere agasubiremwo."

Aidan yari afise imyaka ine igihe Hazel n'umugabo wiwe bamuzana kumurera kandi vyaciye bigaragara ubwo nyene ko yari akeneye vyinshi kandi bizitanye kuruta uko bari bavyumvishijwe.

Hazel avuga ko ''Kuva ku munsi wa mbere twashotse tubona ko hari ingorane zikomeye cane.

''Ariko twibaza tuti , 'kumbure aho yari ari ntihari hameze neza… reka turabe iyo ibintu bitera bija.'''

Ariko ibintu ntivyagenze neza. Kuva bakimushikana, Aidan yarakubitana, agakwega imishatsi, akavumana amate.

Hazel n'umugabo wiwe baguma bizigiye ko bizoja birahera uko iminsi ihaca, ariko vyagumye biba bibi gusumba. Igihe Aidan yari afise imyaka itanu, yatumye umufasha w'umwigisha kw'ishure ry'abana bafise ibibazo yigako, ajanwa mu bitaro incuro zibiri - ubwa mbere yamukubise mu maso yunamye ariko aratora ikintu Aidan yari ahejeje guta hasi yavuvye.

Abakozi bo kw'ishure barahawe inyigisho zidasanzwe z'ingene bafata/bagumya/basegura Aidan igihe yaba ariko aratera amahane. Aribuka igihe yabona ubwa mbere Aidan amaze umwanya muremure aseguwe- hafi iminota 50.

Avuga ati: ''Yari yicaye mu gatebe gatoya mw'ishure iwabo asigaye yambaye ifurani gusa kuko yariko arabira icuya, umwarimu wiwe ari iruhande, ariko arajugumira - vyari biteye akoba.

''Naciye nicara hasi impande yiwe, aca aricukira kw'ivi ryanje, nk'umwana ari mu nda, vyari bibabaje."

Asubije amaso inyuma, Hazel yibaza niba yari akwiye kuba yararetse ngo abakozi bo kw'ishure baje barasegura Aidan gutyo, n'ubwo atabona ukundi bari kuvyifatamwo.

Avuga ko 'Bitegerezwa kuba vyaramuhahamuye cane, ariko ndazi ingene yari umunyamahane".

''Narabona ibipfupfuri ku mibiri y'abunganizi b'abigisha kandi simbona ikindi bari gukora kugira nabo bikingire."

Ishure ryahavuye ryubaka icumba kigizwe n'impome z'ibintu bifobafoba (bitababaza) kugira Aidan ajanweyo igihe yaba abangamye kuri we nyene no ku bandi.

Hazel avuga ati: ''Ariko yajayo buri munsi, kandi yaca ashavura cane ku buryo yamenye gatatu kose ikiyo c'umuryango n'ubwo cari congererejwe ubukomezi".

Aho ni ho ishure ryaciye ribwira Hazel ko ridashobora kubandanya ryitaho umuhungu wiwe.

Mu 2010, abashakashatsi kuri kaminuza ya Oxford barakoze icigwa ca mbere kuva ku vyegeranyo vy'igiporisi vy'amahane y'abana ku bavyeyi babo, basanga vyashitse 1900 i Londres mu kiringo c'amezi 12.

Umwigisha wa criminologie (kumenya ibijanye n'ugukora ivyaha) Rachel Condry, yari arongoye ico cigwa, asanga mu gihugu cose hari ibihumbi n'ibihumbi vy'abashikirwa na bene izo ngorane buri mwaka, akenshi benshi ntibabimenyeshe.

Madame Condry avuga ati: ''Ni ikibazo gihishwa cane - hari abavyeyi benshi batumva ko bobibwira igiporisi canke ko borondera ubufasha".

Abavyeyi akenshi baramubwiye ko bamara imyaka myinshi bahanzwe n'amahane y'abana babo imbere y'uko baruha bakabivuga, kugira barinde bahamagara akaba ari uko ubwoba buba bwababanye bwinshi cane.

Avuga ati: ''Birumvikana ko bagira impungenge zo kuvuga ko umwana wabo ari umunyamahane/umunyarugomo hamwe n'ingaruka vyomugirako".

'Kubera ata n'umwe abivuga, uca wibaza ngo ni wewe wenyene ubibayemwo'

Imbere y'ico cigwa ca Condry bisa n'uko ata bushakashatsi bwari bwakorwe ku mahane (canke urugomo) y'umwana ku muvyeyi, kandi mu vy'ukuri nta benshi bari bazi ko bibaho.

Avuga ati: ''Nta na hamwe wabisanga ku mbuga za internet zizwi canke mu migambi ya reta iyariyo yose - nta na hanwe vyavugwa."

"Ariko mvuganye n'abantu bakorana n'abana n'imiryango, mu bice bitandukanye vy'ubuzima, bavuga ko igihe cose bama bahuye n'ababwira ko bafise ico kibazo, urumva kari ka gacerere kanyegeje vyinshi."

Imiryango hari n'igihe itanabwira incuti n'abagenzi ibiba biriko biraba.

Helen Bonnic, yahoze akora ivyo gufasha imiryango akanandika igitabo ku mahane (cane urugomo) y'umwana ku muvyeyi, avuga ati:

''Hari akamaramaza gakomeye muri ibi bintu.

''Iyo uri umuvyeyi, inshingano zawe kuba ari ukurera umwana wawe kugira akure ari umuntu ari n'ico amaze mu bantu, akundana, yitaho abandi, iyo rero ivyo bigenze nabi, abantu baca bumva ko bananiwe.

"Rwose ntibaheza ngo bashake kubivuga. Hanyuma kubera ata n'umwe abivuga, wewe uca wibaza ngo ni wewe bishikira wenyene.''

Nka kurya kw'amahane yo mu mu rugo canke hagati y'abasangiye amabanga y'abakuze, amahane y'umwana ku muvyeyi agira ingaruka ku bantu bo mu ngero zose z'ubuzima, abatunze n'abakenye, kukaba kwoba ari ukwibesha cane hamwe vyofatwa ko bishika igihe abana baba bari mw'irerero.

Koko, Michelle John, wo mu kigo Parengtal Education Growth Support gifasha mu ngorane z'amahane y'umwana ku muvyeyi, avuga ko ico kigo gifasha imiryango n'abana babo bwite myinshi gusumba iyireze abana batari abayo bwite.

Nk'uko biri muri uwo muryango wa Hazel, akenshi abavyeyi b'abagore ni bo bitumbera.

Rachel Condry avuga ati: ''Abagore ni bo akenshi bakarirwa no guhura n'ibibazo vy'amahane yo mu ngo y'ubwoko bwose, no ngaha ni co kimwe. N'ubwo bidashikira abavyeyi b'abagabo, amahane y'umwana w'umuhungu kuri nyina ni yo akunze gushika cane."

Ubu rero nta shure na rimwe ry'aho baba ryemera kwakira Aidan - amashure yitaho bene abo bana yaranse kumwakira canke aramwirukana. Iryitwa ko riri hafi kandi ryemeye kumwakira bifata urugendo rw'inusu y'isaha kugira urishikire, kandi ntirishoboye kumufasha mu bintu vy'inzitane akeneye.

Hazel avuga ati: "Baramucunga gusa, ariko nta nyishu ku kibazo afise. Umwana n'ubu nta kigenda."

Mu vyerekeye ivyigwa, ubu ari inyuma imyaka itatu canke ine ugereranije n'abo banganya imyaka, n'ubwo yandika neza cane.

Hazel yaratanze amafaranga yo kwigishwa ubuhinga bw'ingene yobigenza kugira atururuze iyo nyifato y'amahane ya Aidan, kugira ntihagire uwukomereka.

Bumwe mu buryo yabigenza kwaba uguterura intebe y'idiva kugira Aidan ntashobore kumukomeretsa.

Hazel avuga ati: ''Umunsi umwe yarayinyatse aba ari yo ankubitisha. Nca ndavuga nti 'hanyuma nzoyifata cane.' Ubugira kabiri vyarakoze neza - narashoboye kuyitambika hagati yanje nawe, agaca agerageza guseka, gukubita no guca hirya no hino ariko ntiyabishobora."

Hazel avuga ko umuhungu wiwe atari ishetani, ameze uko ameze kubera ihahamuka yagize muri kahise kiwe - kandi iryo naryo si ikosa ryiwe.

Avuga ati: "N'ubwo womenga ni umuntu ahohotera, si vyo namba, n'uko atako ari bubigire.

"Ubundi ni umwana w'umuhungu asanzwe ameze neza cane - arateye igomwe kandi aratwenza, kandi turakundana."

'Kubera nabona ingaruka bigira ku muryango zibabaje cane, naciye mfata ingingo y'uko twe na Aidan tuhava'

Ariko ingaruka y'ibi vyose yabaye ko yahavuye aheba akazi kiwe. Amagara yiwe yarasinzikaye - yararwaye zona kenshi hamwe n'umusonga akarenga rimwe mu kiringo c'umwaka uheze, ubu afata imiti y'indwara zo mu mutwe. N'imigenderanire n'umugabo wiwe nayo yaragize ibibazo.

Avuga ati: "Tumaze kubona ko hari ingorane kandi ibintu bitoroshe, twempi twaciye tubona ko twibeshe kandi atako tukibigira. Ariko kubivugira hejuru bisigura ko hari ico utegerezwa gukora. Nta n'umwe muri twempi rero yabivugira hejuru. Twaciye tuguma atawuvugisha uwundi mu kiringo nk'ico amezi atandatu."

Ni ryari haba hari ikibazo?

Umugambi witwa Who's in Charge? (Ni inde afashe ibintu mu minwe?) uvuga ko iyo inyifato y'umwana itanguye kwiganza, gutera ubwoba, canke ibangamye, ntiba ikibaye iyisanzwe. Iratanga ibimenyetso vyo kwitwararika:

Mu myaka mikeya iheze, amaze kuvyibaza kenshi, Hazel yagarukiye hafi yo gufata ingingo ruhasha.

Ati: ''Narabona ko ingaruka bigira ku muryango wose zibabaza cane, gutyo nca mfata ko ngiye gufata Aidan tukahava."

Umugabo wa Hazel yaramwumvisihije kutabikora, ubu n'aho yemera ko ishobora kuba yabaye ingingo nziza, ntimubuza kubandanya yicuza kuba bigira ingaruka ku bandi bana bo mu murayango.

''Ubwana bwabo twarabushize mu kaga."

Abo mu muryango wa Hazel bari basanzwe barahevye kugendera ingo z'incuti n'abagenzi n'imbere y'uko ikiza ca Covid caduka.

Nta manza bagira kandi ntazo bitaba; Hazel abonana n'abavyeyi biwe mu gihe Aidan aba ari kw'ishure gusa kuko batihanganira kumubona hafi yabo.

Kandi Hazel ntashobora guhura n'abagenzi biwe mu gisagara iyo hari abandi bana bazoba bahari. Be n'umugabo wiwe ntibigera basohoka ku mugoroba canke ngo bafate 'weekend' - nta muntu n'umwe boronka yoshobora gusigarana uwo mwana.

Hazel ati: ''Vyaraduciye ku bantu cane".

Ariko yahavuye aremeshwa n'umuryango wo kuri internet w'abavyeyi bafise ikibazo nkawe, mu biganiro aho abantu bahanahana inkuru n'uburyo bavyifatamwo, bakongera bakaremeshanya. Gusanga hari abantu benshi bafise ikibazo nk'ico vyamwuguruye amaso.

Avuga ko 'Hari imiryango myinshi, myinshi, myinshi cane imeze gutyo."

Hazel aguma mu mpapuro asoma araba ibigo bitandukanye bifasha Aidan ingingo vyoba vyafashe - canke bitafashe. Aguma agerageza kudata hasi mu kumuronderera ubufasha akeneye.

Rachel Condry avuga ati: '' Amahane y'umwana ku muvyeyi wiwe nta n'umwe araba ariko kandi araba abantu bose kuko nta rwego na rumwe rubifise mu nshingano zarwo za mbere - Nibaza ko ico ari ikibazo gikomeye."

Icifuzo c'umuryango n'uko Aidan yoronka ishure ry'uburaro rifise intumbero yo gufasha abana nkabo ku buryo mu kiringo c'imyaka itatu boba ata ngorane bagifise, gutyo bagaca basubira iwabo, bakabana n'abandi bo mu muryango kandi bakiga amashure asanzwe.

Hazel avuga ati: ''Ndashaka cane ko aja mw'ishure ryo kumuvura, ishure rizomufasha."

Ariko ibisabwa kugira uje muri iryo shure bigendera ku ngingo zikomeye kandi biragoye, rero kurironka ntivyoroshe. Hamwe Aidan atokwemererwa, Hazel aribaza ingene ibintu bizoca bimugendera.

Avuga ati: ''Azoca yama ari umunyavyaha yamane ingorane n'igiporisi.

''Azokwama ariko aragwana - Aho nca mbona agasho."

Gushika ubu aracabandanya gufukira ibintu. Iyo Aidan ari kw'ishure, aratembereza imbwa akaba aranitegura ingene aja kuvyifatamwo agarutse.

Ashobora gushika agashwanyaguza ibintu vyose mu nzu, agafata ivyamwa vyose biri mu nkoko akabimutera canke agasimba ava ku ngazi zo mu nzu.

Canke iyo vyagiye guhiga rikaba ijoro ritekanye, Aidan arumviriza ibitabo vyiwe biri mu majwi - akumviriza vya bindi nyene aguma abisuramwo, akurikira amajambo ku mpapuro. Hanyuma iyo hageze kuryama imiryango ija mu nzu yo hasi iba yugaye kugirango avyutse ntaje kugora imbwa.

Iyi nkuru ikoresha amazina yahinduwe kugira hakingirwe ubuzima bwite bwa Aidan