Who Am I?

by Rosie Hunt

I am ruthless. I terrify people, play games with people and make them doubt everything. Fear everything. Dread everything. I love panic, worry, and change. I blossom in uncertainty creating a beautiful explosion of unhappiness, bringing tears as clear as a crystal, flowing like a waterfall. I lie in wait patiently for my moment, watching closely for the signs: a glimmer of confusion, a shred of rejection, that's my signal.

Quickly I take my chance and then, I hear it. My victim's breathing quickens, their heart is beating like the hooves of a hundred horses, their blood rushing round their body, their breath short and fast as they gasp for air! Inside the body their stomach churns like the waves of a stormy sea, thrashing and crashing around. Sickness rises as their fears grow burning up into the chest. I almost have them; my grasp tightens as their panic increases. Their head full of doubt swirling around, unable to think, their body trembling gently, a strange, calm sweat soaks their skin making them both hot and cold at the same time, fighting me back as I use my weapons of self-doubt and confusion to win my battle.

Suddenly I hear a voice. My victim's voice. Stronger than I imagined, trying to fight back. I listen carefully trying to make sense as the muddle of words starts to become clear.

"Breathe, just breathe, deep strong belly breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth, and again breathe nice and slow. I can do this, I can fight this. Soon this will all be over and it will all be OK. If I just keep breathing. I can slow my heart down, I can stop the burning in my chest, stop the churning in my tummy. I will start to think clearly again. I will beat this. I AM strong. I try hard to remember the things I have been taught:

5-think of five types of dog

4-think of four favourite foods

3-think of three places I want to visit

2-think of two of my favourite songs

1-think of my favourite film

I need to remember this feeling will pass like being stuck in a deep dark tunnel. I start to move through it, slowly at first but then rushing. I can see the light, and start to feel warm, calm and more relaxed. It's nearly over, I've almost made it, beaten him again. This isn't the first time I've had to fight him off and I know it won't be the last. But maybe, one day, I will overcome him once and for all. If I just keep believing in myself, working hard. I will do it and I'll be stronger too."

Beaten once again I weaken, and start to retreat to lie in wait for my next opportunity to pounce. Who am I? I am anxiety!