How to cope with change

Kit Brown:

I felt like my whole world had fallen down you know, and I couldn't see past that disappointment, that upset you know, this is everything I've worked my whole life for.

Hi guys, I'm education and wellbeing TikToker, Kit Brown.

Dr T:

And I'm Dr T, psychiatrist for under 18s.

Kit Brown:

Welcome to World of Wellbeing from BBC Bitesize, where we talk about how to look after you and your mind.

So Dr T, what's on your mind today?

Dr T:

Do you know what, Kit?

I've been thinking about big changes, unexpected changes.

You know, maybe you're moving school and you're being moved away from your friends or someone’s sick or even passes away.

Have you ever been affected in this way?

Kit Brown:

Yeah, absolutely.

I think for me, I've been through one of the biggest changes in my life quite recently, I lost my grandad who was ultimately a father figure for me growing up.

You know, he was essentially my dad you know, and he raised me alongside my mum.

So losing someone so close to me and such a huge part of my life, I really found myself in a really tough position.

And you know, it still hits me to this day and it will do going forward.

But it's all about working out ways to kind of overcome that and navigate those different emotions that I'm going to go through.

Dr T:

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, there's a science behind what we're talking about.

When we go through loss, it puts our brain in a spin because our brains love certainty and predictability, and then we get all disrupted and to try and move forward we can go into solution focusing gear which is all about “How do I fix this?”

But there's also another gear.

The acceptance and commitment gear, which is about trying to accept the reality as it is and then think, “How do I navigate it?”

So I don't know about you Kit, but I'm a fixer.

When there's a problem, I want to find a solution.

Do you know what I mean?

Kit Brown:

Yeah, I want to fix it right there and then.

Dr T:

Right.

But there are some things in life that can't be fixed.

It might be a breakup, it might be a bereavement.

But then when we try and fix things that can't be fixed in a typical way, it's like pushing up against a wall that cannot be moved.

And that's frustrating, it's tiring, and you just feel fed up.

Kit Brown:

So there are loads of things that can take you by surprise in life, aren't there?

And if I think about my own personal experience, my biggest one is my football journey.

If I think back to when I was 16, roughly in school, I was missing days of the week throughout school to go and play football and train, and I was adamant that at the end of that season

I was going to become a professional footballer,

I was going to get my contract.

I think everyone at school was adamant that that was going to happen as well.

So when I walked into that meeting, you know at the end of the season, an injury riddled season and I was told, “We're not going to give you a contract. You're not good enough.”

I felt like my whole world had fallen down you know, and I couldn't see past that disappointment, that upset you know. This is everything I'd worked my whole life for.

So I guess my question to you is, how do we navigate those tough moments?

And is there a way that we can move towards that acceptance stage to manage better?

Dr T:

Well look, number one, we have to be kind to ourselves. When we're going through something like what you just described, it’s a big deal and often we are our worst critics.

But if we were to talk to a friend about it if they were going through it, we would tell them to, you know sit back, relax, please take time to look after yourself.

So that's the first step.

Number one is be kind yourself.

And the second thing is that adjustment, mental adjustment takes time.

And to process your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions.

“How do I feel about this situation?

What does that mean about me?”

That takes time.

So time and self care, so important.

Kit Brown:

Now Dr T, after I lost my grandad I felt that a really good coping mechanism for me was to get it out and speak about my emotions with those around me.

It's still something that I'm probably not the best at and still something that I've identified within myself that I need to improve on.

But every time I do open up and speak about how I’m feeling, it feels like a weight off my shoulders.

Dr T:

So that's a way of verbally processing the emotions that are pent up and they’re bouncing around in our mind.

It does help calm our brain down.

Now we can talk to someone that we trust, that might be a trusted friend, family member, someone that can help us process our emotions, sometimes even a professional.

But if you don't have someone to talk to, you could also process your thoughts in the form of journalling.

Now I journal, I like to put pen on paper.

It helps me become aware of what I am thinking about.

Another thing you can also do is get creative, get active.

Do you do something like that to help you with adjusting to emotions?

Kit Brown:

Yeah, I love to exercise.

For me, exercising in any form is a way to really kind of unload those emotions and whether it's playing football or taking up a new hobby.

I've recently got into playing padel with my friends which has been a lovely, lovely release.

So much fun.

Dr T:

Oh, it sounds fun.

Kit Brown:

Oh, it’s great.

But it's such a nice way to just step away from what you're dealing with at that point.

Dr T:

Exercise is great on so many levels.

It gets you out of the house, you change up your environment, often you're surrounded by other people and it also helps with endorphin release.

So you're going to physically and mentally feel better.

Exercise is a great shout.

And if sport isn't your thing, then there are other ways that are healthy emotional outlets, you know so you can process what you're going through.

And that could be something creative, it could be a new skill, it could be music, it could be socialising, starting a new hobby.

So there are ways to give your brain a break from doing all the hard work of adjusting to a very significant change.

Kit Brown:

So how can I cope when things are out of my control?

Dr T:

We want to control the controllables.

That's what I always say.

So it's about turning your attention to what are the things that I can do that are going to help me and also park or accept the circumstance as it is, as part of your reality that you're going to try and navigate.

Kit Brown:

So we could maybe control our routine.

Dr T:

Yeah, exactly.

Control that routine.

Even book things in for the weekend.

Something to look forward to.

It's about getting your sense of autonomy back.

Kit Brown:

Do you know what?

I'm going to do that right now.

I'm going to book in a film night with my friends this weekend and I think that's going to be a good first step to take.

Dr T:

Nice.

Kit Brown:

Thanks so much for being with us.To listen to more episodes of the BBC Bitesize World of Wellbeing podcast, head to BBC Sounds.

Don't forget to subscribe and share them with your mates.

Or search BBC Bitesize Study Support to watch them on our website.

Bye!

Dr T:

Bye!

If you've recently been affected by a big change in your life and are struggling to cope on your own, talk to a trusted adult like your parent, teacher or guardian.

It can really make a difference.

If you'd like extra support and advice for any of the issues raised in this vodcast, search for BBC Bitesize Action Line for young people, where you will find contacts for organisations who can really help you.