Joy! Dr Love's got his stethoscope nice and warm for another pair of potential pop paramours. Popping themselves up on the bench today are pop princess Lily Allen and Razorlight's Johnny Borrell. Scrubs on!

According to Lily's blog, she's crying over a recent break-up, so she's ripe for rebound romance. But, some say that Johnny's already found that special someone. However, it would be unprofessional of Dr Love to influence his diagnosis with celebrity tittle tattle. If it is true, the sight of his reflection in Lily's tears of torment will only serve to strengthen Johnny's attraction. In which case, Dr Love say, take it to first base!

Lily may be named after a flower, but a shrinking violet she isn't. Thus, it's likely to be Lily who pulls the classic 'yawn and stretch' manoeuvre on Johnny. Without experience of Lily's chat up technique, I can only use the power of science to deduce that it involves large quantities of booze, a lunge and the refusal to take 'no' for an answer. First snog's down, time for a date!

Betrainered Lily's unlikely to be permitted into the smoky backrooms and speakeasies of Borrell's bohemia. So, a retro bowling alley with a milkshake for two topped with something special from Lily's hip flask is much more likely. Conversation's slow at first, until the pair's shared scorn for the Kooks unites them. Fingers tangle, lips meet, fireworks.

Cracks begin to show as Lily grows exasperated by Johnny's constant demands to be proclaimed the best boyfriend ever. The end comes when Lily comes home unannounced to find Johnny photoshopping his head onto her body in their photographs. The pair split and slag each other off for ever and ever and Lily ruins two pairs of Johnny's white jeans with a laxative revenge plan just like in her video. The end.

Those who are united by the venom are divided by the venom (as old Dr Love learned at Love School). It was unlikely that two lippy so and sos like these two would have ever lasted the course. Ah well, maybe next time...