Four important questions to ask yoursef bifor you enta friendship wit your ex

Break-ups dey hard - you just lose di pesin wey you dey share evritin wit. But to still remain friends wit your ex fit even pain pass.

“I no really get many friends wey still dey friends wit dia exes,” Olivia Petter, wey be author of dating handbook Millennial Love, tok. But she say she don manage am for one or two cases.

Na four questions you suppose ask yoursef bifor you decide weda to remain friends wit your ex or cut all contact completely.

1. How serious di relation be bifor breakup?

“E get one or two men wey I don get short, casual romantic relationship wit, wey later turn to friendship,” Olivia tell BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour.

She say, “Di fact say we don ‘go dia’, make am easier for us to still get close friendship without any remaining tension or question mark.”

But wen e come to serious relationships, she tok say even though dem still dey on good terms, dem no be close friends.

Dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield tok say casual relationships usually no get plenti serious life issues to settle, so to move enter friendship dey easier.

But she add say sometimes casual relationships fit still bring strong emotions becos dem dey “often much more intense”.

Kate say, “E really depend on how di relationship end, and who end am, shey na both of you end am, or na one pesin decide say e don end? All dis tins get more effect pass even how long di relationship last.”

2. You don forget about dem?

One big problem be weda you fit separate di love mata from di pesin.

“You suppose don really process di break-up, no be to just move on logistically but emotionally too," Kate tok.

She say make you check weda una get tins in common outside di relationship, like real interests wey dey even bifor di romance start. If di relationship build only on attraction, e go hard well-well to continue as friends.

E still important make you dey honest wit yoursef about why you wan remain friends.

“If you still dey hope say dem go change mind, or you dey stay close just to dey watch who dem dey date, na attachment wey dey disguise as friendship,” Kate tok.

For di end, staying friends go only work if both pipo don truly accept say di relationship don end, and nobodi get hidden agenda, she add.

3. How much time don pass?

E fit dey tricky to move immediately from lovers to friends.

"E dey important make you get a little reset and to take some space away to reflect," Olivia tok.

Comedian and author Rosie Wilby tok say she don manage keep good friendship wit her ex-girlfriends.

She and her ex Donna break up just afta Rosie mama die, and dem lose all dia property for house fire.

She tok say dem only stop to dey tok for about three weeks.

"Dat na probably about all we bin manage, becos we bin get dis close bond and we bin need each oda," she tok.

Now, 25 years later, she say, “Donna don be like sister to me.”

4. Your new partner dey okay wit am?

If you finally decide say una go remain friends, Kate say make una tok am clearly about wetin una go do if one pesin enta new relationship.

And if new partner no comfortable wit di friendship, Kate stress say make you take dia concern serious.

“No be always insecurity, sometimes na genuine concern,” she tok.

You fit tok to your ex to adjust di friendship wey fit be "less frequent contact, more group settings, or to dey more transparent about wetin una dey do togeda," she tok.

Olivia say society don condition women to dey see dia male partner ex as threat.

But Rosie say for LGBT communities, e dey more common to remain friends wit ex.

"Completely different code of conduct dey," she tok.

Wen make you cut contact

Kate say e get cases wen friendship no dey possible: if di relationship dey abusive, emotionally or physically, broken trust dey or one pesin still dey catch feelings.

“Sometimes di kindest tin wey you fit do for both of una na to accept say dat chapter don close,” she tok.

Olivia say: "Di only pipo I don cut off complete contact wit na dose wey don cause me more serious harm in one way or anoda."

She add say plenti of her friends no dey keep in touch wit dia exes.

“I tink say many pipo get di mindset of making past remain for past.”