Opening presents together around the tree is a tradition that has become the centrepiece for many families’ Christmas Day experience.
However, gift-giving can be a daunting prospect for parents and families who are trying to make ends meet.
With ever-changing trends and new ‘must-have’ items, children can feel pressure to fit in, and parents can feel pressure, guilt and shame if they can’t get their children the gift they really want.
Dr Charlie Cowtan, a clinical psychologist who works with children and families, shares some insight on the influence of trends on young children, as well as practical tips on how parents can manage expectations and be kind to themselves this Christmas.
What are the impacts of trends on young children?
Whether they’re at nursery, playgroup or starting school, Charlie explains that it’s normal for children to want to fit in.
“It’s tied to belonging. Having the same toys, clothes, or gadgets as their peers is a tangible way of feeling included.”
“So, it’s not just, ‘I want this toy’, it’s, ‘This helps me feel part of my group.’”
How might young children react if they feel left out?
Every child reacts differently, but it can be especially hard if they feel like they are the only one missing out.
“That can feel very isolating,” says Charlie. “Children don’t yet understand adult finances so they may interpret not getting the gifts they wanted as, ‘My parents don’t care’, rather than, ‘This is about money’.
“When children are overwhelmed, they often act out of character. They might show big physical behaviours like stomping, throwing things or have verbal outbursts. Anything noticeably different from their baseline behaviour signals that they’re struggling emotionally.”
What are the benefits of missing out?
From a developmental standpoint, missing out on the latest toy trend is not a completely bad thing.
“It’s really important for children to have experiences of not always getting what they want,” Charlie says.
“Part of being a parent is having healthy boundaries, whether it’s about sweets, ice cream, or gifts at birthdays and Christmas.
“Children will naturally be disappointed, but learning that they can’t always have everything they want is crucial for their development. It prepares them for later childhood, teenage years, and adulthood.”
There are ways to show young children that not getting everything they want is okay.
“We can share our own childhood stories about things we desperately wanted but didn’t get, to help them feel understood,” suggests Charlie.
Acknowledging your child’s feelings
Age-appropriate conversations can help, but not in the middle of emotional distress. In the moment, young children need comfort and validation.
“Young children are very good at showing how they feel, even if they can’t express it in words,” Charlie tells us.
“We see it in behaviour: sadness, anger, withdrawal, or acting out. Some children might get quiet and go off by themselves. Others might have big reactions, shouting, screaming, or saying things like, “You don’t love me,” which can feel hurtful.
“But underneath it all, what they’re really expressing is, “I’m disappointed and I don’t know how to handle it.”
Listening to your child and acknowledging their feelings is vital according to Charlie.
“When children’s feelings are accepted as normal and manageable, they learn that “I’m not broken, my caregiver can handle my emotions, it’s safe to come to them when I’m upset.”
“Dismissing feelings can make children reluctant to open up in the future,” he says.
How to cope with feelings of comparison and envy for parents and children
Anticipation for Christmas can build up for months and the build-up gets bigger every year. From TV adverts and shop decorations to social media, Christmas is everywhere.
“This can create unrealistic expectations,” says Charlie.
“It’s easy for parents to compare themselves with what other families are doing, whether that’s trips, expensive gifts, or elaborate traditions. That fuels pressure to keep up, even when it’s not realistic.”
Other family members, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, may want to give children more lavish gifts too.
Many parents might welcome this, and it may not be a problem. However, some parents may wish to set boundaries to avoid comparison.
“Setting clear budgets or agreeing who buys what can avoid tension and duplication. Being specific helps families manage expectations on both sides,” explains Charlie.
Comparison and envy can also appear between siblings, even though it’s normal for children to receive different gifts based on age or specific needs.
“What helps is explaining why,” says Charlie.
“It’s not about favouritism, but about different children needing different things at different times. Sometimes buying the same item for both children can reduce comparison.”
Charlie’s three top tips to manage expectations this Christmas
1. Set Santa’s rules
Set clear gift guidelines with young children in a fun way.
“You might tell your child that this year Santa can only deliver small gifts that can fit into a stocking, or that Santa has a set a budget and they can only ask for one toy,” Charlie says.
This can help young children understand financial limitations in an age-appropriate way.
2. Establish family traditions
Talk openly about how every family does Christmas differently and create unique family traditions to reduce comparison and pressure.
One thing you could do with your child is find ways to give back. “Donating toys or clothes can help others and foster a sense of community,” explains Charlie.
3. Focus on what you can control
We can’t control trends, prices, or what we see other people buy on social media, but we can control how we spend time together and the traditions we follow.
“If social media or TV is making you feel guilty, it’s best to take a step back. Be kind to yourself and focus on the things that really matter.”
