Christmas can be a wonderful time to be a parent. For some though, it might also be painful, stressful and full of expectation.
If it’s your first Christmas navigating co-parenting and your children spending time between different homes, it’s entirely understandable if you have less than positive feelings about the holidays.
To offer some expert advice for new co-parents, we spoke to Tamara Hoyton, a counsellor with relationship support charity Relate.
Tamara’s tips for co-parenting at Christmas
Acknowledge your feelings
If you’re spending time without your children during the Christmas holidays, Tamara says you should prepare yourself for some difficult emotions, like resentment, anger and loss.
“The important thing to acknowledge is how painful it can be if this is your first one,” she explains.
“And there are ways of managing that. It might be having a flipping great cry.”
“It might be calling up your mate and saying come over for a cup of tea or whatever your poison is.
“You’ve got to acknowledge yourself, ‘This is tough at the minute. How can I manage that?”
And at the end of the day, Tamara reminds us: “It's just a feeling. It is painful, but the feeling is temporary; it might not feel like it but it will pass.”
Don’t project your feelings onto your child and earn your ‘parenting Oscar’
While it’s healthy to recognise your own feelings, Tamara says it’s also important to protect your child.
“The bit where you earn your Oscar is when you're feeling these powerful feelings, you've got to contain that and self-regulate,” she says.
“You can't project them onto your children - what upsets a child more than anything is seeing a parent upset.
“You need to contain yourself to make sure that the kids aren't upset, which is rubbish.”
“And depending on the age of the child, they may just be about the fun and the excitement - they get two Christmases.
“So it may be that it has a greater impact on you.”
You might feel guilty about being untruthful with your child, but Tamara reminds us, this is something we do all the time as parents of young children.
“We do that through all aspects of parenting: ‘Is Santa real?’ ‘Of course he is, darling.’
“We’re faking it a bit - offering only so much reality as a parent.”
Communicate with your co-parent
Co-parenting can be a real test of our communication and emotional regulation skills. With all the admin of the holidays, Christmas can be especially tricky!
Tamara explains that it’s all about keeping those lines open, however you’re feeling about your co-parent.
“For some couples who split, it's really difficult. There's lots of resentment, there's lots of anger.
“[One of you] might feel guilty, might overcompensate by saying, ‘It's fine, you have the kids over Christmas, I won't see them at all.’
“It's being open about your wants and needs.”
Embrace guilt-free time to yourself
It can be difficult to accept that you might be spending time away from your child during a holiday that puts so much focus on family time.
Tamara reminds us that, while it’s important to acknowledge feelings of upset, you might find some positivity by reframing these moments, without feeling guilty about it.
“You might reframe a separation by saying, ‘I have never had the opportunity to take a long bath and have an afternoon to myself on Christmas Eve.’
“Or, ‘Boxing Day is mine and mine alone - I can put the ladle down, I'm not cooking anymore.’
“If you do manage to catch yourself a wee break, why wouldn't you love that?”
“You think about the run-up to Christmas, it is properly bonkers. And there's just something nice about being able to sit down and think, ‘This is nice, isn't it? What do I want to do?’
“Make the most of the time you have got together, make the most of the time you haven't got together.”
