Co-parenting can be tricky to navigate, especially when your child is a bit younger.
Luckily, relationship counsellor Tamara Hoyton from Family Action is here with her tips and tricks for helping kids to understand co-parenting relationships.
In the latest episode of Parenting Helpline, Tamara chats with Holly Hagan-Blyth and Charlie Hedges about personal co-parenting experiences, and how to win your ‘parenting Oscar’ by acting through tougher moments.
So, how can parents who are co-parenting work together to create a supportive environment for their kids?
1. Create a schedule that everyone in the family agrees on
Having a solid routine is a great way of setting expectations. Co-parents can try and agree on regular meeting times, or having a family call at the same time each week.
It might be a bit tough at first, as you and your co-partner may have different routines and ideas about how much family time you need.
Having specific times in the calendar means that you can create healthy boundaries.
Overall, having a set time that all parties agree to gives you a starting point - even if it does need to be flexible.
This can also help young children know what to expect - you can communicate using simple language when and where they will be with your co-parent
2. Earn your 'parenting Oscar'
Working with a co-parent can be draining at times, particularly if you are also trying to manage personal conflicts.
Tamara says always try to present a united front for your children, or as she calls it, 'getting your Oscar'.
This is really important when it comes to a creating a sense of safety for your child, using honest and open communication that is focussed on them. Especially when you are together with your co-parent.
It’s still important to let yourself feel these challenging emotions in these moments, and when you are apart, taking time to reflect on your feelings on co-parenting can make you a more present parent.
3. Know how to answer questions
Kids can be extremely curious, and this can get awkward when it comes to answering questions about your co-parenting relationship.
Tamara says using simple and straightforward phrases like calling your co-parent your ‘friend’ is usually enough to answer any questions.
As they get older, the questions might become more specific. It’s important to continue being honest and listen to the question to understand what boundaries are appropriate.
Tamara says it’s important not to overshare with children - they are probably only looking for specific information, so try not to tell them more than you need to!
4. Use technology to stay connected
It’s not always possible for kids to see both their co-parents regularly, particularly if you live far away from each other.
Holly reflected on her experience, saying technology would be helpful as she only saw her dad a few times a year.
Using tech with smaller kids can be frustrating, as the calls might be quick and impersonal due to the early stage of their brain’s development, Tamara explains. But don’t be disheartened.
Being able to give them little prompts throughout the week around their interests, or talking about anything exciting happening over the weekend can help to make those interactions a little more meaningful!
5. Appeal to your co-parent's wants
Compromise can be difficult in co-parenting, particularly if you feel like you’re in two totally different frames of mind.
Tamara says the key comes in understanding what your co-partner wants and using that to frame suggestions to make them sound more appealing.
This also helps avoid procrastination and excuses - at the end of the day, most people put themselves first.
Even if your lives are different, you and your co-partner probably want to parent to the best of your abilities alongside maintaining healthy boundaries - so remember you are more similar than you think!
Tamara, Charlie and Holly have an honest conversation about parental separation
