Small children can have some very big feelings, and as a parent it can be difficult to understand what the best way to support them is in the heat of the moment.
How can you hold and validate your child’s feelings, while also taking action and supporting them?
Ashley:That 2-3 mark can be quite a lot. I think one because they're trying to express how they feel and don't have the language to and two because you don't know how to respond initially if you've never done it before. So I would help her by giving her the language of saying you feeling disappointed? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling frustrated? And while she's having her big emotion, I would actually just sit with her. I'd say do you want a hug? Do you want to talk? Obviously she wouldn't be able to always do those things but I did start building, like using those building blocks. In the moment it might not feel like what you're doing is adding to anything but you will see the fruits of your labour later on hopefully.
So we used to do blow your candles which is you hold it well she was three so she'd hold up three or two and she just blows and then like blow those candles out to help her breathe and would use calm down just to help her process her emotion and get her to follow it and take her away from that you know big big emotion that she's having equally there were times when it you know it didn't and I was sat in the supermarket with her, just letting her express her emotions, so yeah.
When I would be really overwhelmed, I'd be like, okay, let's go outside and just try and like change the scenery for me and for her. And she probably thought it was for her, but it was for me. I don't know if this is sarcastic, but what helps me keep calm is that she's a child. Like, I just see her as an actual child. She doesn't have all the tools she needs to, I guess, process and compartmentalise everything. So keeping that at the forefront, like my expectations probably is the best one. Like she isn't, she's the child. I don't think there's a magic thing that, you know, parents have this toolkit. No, we just try and show up. If you don't, you just apologise and, you know, repair that situation with your child in that moment.
Give them the language to express themselves
It’s important to remember that, while children have a lot of feelings, they are still learning how to regulate their emotions.
As parents, it is important to give them the skills and language to express these feelings.
You can do this by using simple language to label emotions and feelings, like saying “you’re angry”, “you’re hungry”, or “you’re sleepy”.
By communicating with your child, you can quickly identify the problem and come up with solutions.
Create a mental checklist
It’s also important to remember that, while problems that a child has might be different to grown up problems, similar things might solve those problems.
Having a mental list to run through in stressful moments, can keep you grounded as a parent.
Here are some of our ideas, for potential causes of problems:
- Is your child hungry?
- Is your child tired?
- Does your child need the toilet?
- Is your child bored?
- Is your child stressed or overstimulated
Have go-to solutions
Being able to understand things in the moment is a skill, which takes time to develop as a parent.
But the good news is, some techniques can calm down a child no matter what.
Sometimes a change of scenery or taking big deep breaths can help a child calm down enough to communicate.
Keep calm
It can be very tough when your child is having a tantrum or is in floods of tears, especially if they are in a public place.
However, it is also important to stay calm and responsible as a parent to help them get through it.
You can do this by leading by example, such as by identifying the problem and narrating how you are going to solve it.
Then in calmer moments, you can practise talking about feelings, so that your child knows what to do if they find themselves in a similar situation again.
Set boundaries
While feelings are ok, certain behaviours have an impact that is not ok.
When your child is upset, you can keep boundaries while acknowledging their feelings. For example, you can explain that it’s OK to be upset, but it’s not OK to hit things.
It is easy to forget that children might not be acting in a certain way on purpose, but managing emotions is a skill they are learning.
Even some adults find it difficult to regulate their emotions when they are not feeling their best.
By regularly taking time to teach your child about emotions, over time they will gradually find them easier to process.
