By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

Pasta la vista, Zidane

Tuesday 4 July
Feels more like a European Championships now, doesn't it? Difficult to know who you want to win. Expecting the Italians to bore Germany into submission. It's a great semi-final. The ref's fantastic. So, in extra time, are Italy. Grosso's winner is sublime, and Del Piero's second is the icing on the cake. At last, after some nervy, patchy, irritating games of footie, some real entertainment.

Wednesday 5 July
Allez les bleus! Where did these Portuguese learn to play football - Billy Smart's Circus? All these tumbling theatrics are bad enough without the entire bench getting up en masse and slagging the ref. Cristiano Ronaldo seems to be getting the brunt of it, but Postiga's from the same school too.

There was a time when you got to the edge of the penalty area and kept going in the hope that you might score a goal. These days it's enough to fall over someone who's trying to get out of the way and cross your fingers for the free kick. Sad.

So it's Italy-France. They both deserve it. But you'd fancy an Eriksson-less England to beat either of them. Oh stop it, Robbo, son, no more tears. Just put the photograph back on the dartboard and unwind with a few arrows.

Federer went out in a blazer glory

Thursday, Friday, Saturday 6, 7, 8 July
The missus says I can watch some proper sport and it's wall-to-wall Wimbledon. Why is Rafael Nadal dressed like a sailor from some local amateur dramatic society's performance of whatever that musical Sideshow Bob sings about in the Simpsons?

Why is Federer wearing that cream-coloured blazer? He looks like a right twerp until you compare him with the umpires and line judges all decked out like they've been invited to a school reunion disco at Eton. Ridiculous. Like being umpired by Just William. Pleased to see the burly-shouldered Mauresmo winning at last. I like it when the nervy Noras finally do it.

Watch the third-place match out of duty. Really enjoy it. Schweinsteiger (translates as 'pig marshall') enjoyed it. I always knew that Ricardo was a dodgy keeper. If it's not a penalty, he's useless.

Sunday 11 July
It's half 10 at night and what can you say? Zizou, Zizou, what did you do? The match itself wasn't much to get excited about, but France were doing fine and then... that nutty butt. It was like seeing a gazelle getting out an uzi. Like seeing Roger Federer in a hoodie. Like the Queen saying the f-word. It was GBH. Or maybe ABH as he was definitely aggravated by Materazzi.

ZZ flop - Zidane trudges off

Materazzi? One of the greatest players of our time getting needled by a failed Everton centre-back? And let's not get all hot and bothered if we find that they used video evidence to send Zidane off. Good. He had to go.

Well it's bloody well ruined the tournament. Another game decided on pens as well! Enough. This is the biggest tournament in the world. Have a bloody replay! It's not like the players are doing anything else on Wednesday night!

Monday 12 July
Hey-ho. The footie's over. No more dodgy refs and divers, no more jolly Germans and simmering Italians. No more ifs for England, no more butts for Zidane. I'll get me mourning gear on for a few days, I reckon.

Anyway here's me team of the tournament:

Buffon, Zambrotta, Gallas, Cannavaro, Lahm,Gattuso, Pirlo, Zidane, Maxi Rodriguez, Klose, Torres.

I thought I better come up with the anti-team of the tournament, the ones who flattered to deceive. Initially, I was going to just put down England bar Hargreaves but then I thought I'd give it some thought.

Good keeper, bad keeper

Barthez (clown), Cafu, Roberto Carlos (should have been sponsored by Zimmer), Heinze (lost it), Bouhlarouz (assault on Ronaldo was nasty), Van Bommel (I never liked him anyway).

Lampard (fired so many blanks I'd be worried if I was Mrs Lampard),Totti (how did he win a World Cup medal?), Ronaldinho (toothy smile turned to a grimace), Trezeguet (most overrated striker, along with Ibrahimovic), Ronaldo (I've seen more mobility in a fridge).