By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

Don't you dare go on, Walcott!

Monday 19 June:
The wife dumps a pile of unopened letters on me lap and demands I find out what's in them. One's from the AA. Even though it's actually from the car organisation, it's a wake-up call. Decide to stay dry for the night.

Poor old Monty eh? More hapless than his namesake Panesar! That last round of the US Open had more bogeys in it than a geography teacher's handkerchief and he still couldn't muster a win. None of the teams that played today are going to get anywhere near winning the whole thing. Spain, Switzerland, Ukraine. No chance.

Tuesday 20 June:
We have the weird sensation of English fans supporting Germany and German fans supporting England. Let's avoid each other at all costs! Still England'll relax today won't they? Start looking a bit more fluent... Owen'll pop one in and the whole thing will start to look a lot brighter.

Owen pops one out! A cartilage, a ligament...summat's gone pear-shaped. Brilliant. Theo Walcott! Come in! But Sven goes for Crouch! What's Theo there for? Is he the one they send down to the corner shop for teabags and milk? Joey Cole looking more and more like the Artful Dodger. England looking much better. Even Hargreaves is doing OK. A solid first half with a wonderful Coley goal! We're getting there at last.

The Artful Dodger picked Sweden's pockets

No we're not. We're crap, flat as a pancake. What does Eriksson talk to them about during half-time? Global warming? World poverty? The pointlessness of existence? Whatever it is our lads always come out for the second half with all the pizzazz of a Brummie bank manager.

Allback scores. The worst striker at the tournament gets a goal against us - again! Remember Postiga? Rooney gets the hook and throws his toys out of the pram. Step forward Theo Wal... no, Sven needs some semi-skimmed for his late-night Horlicks so Stevie G's on. What?!

Gerrard scores - what an inspired substitution - we're going to mash the Swedes! But wait, a Swede practically throws the ball into the net and it's 2-2! Suddenly the Marx Brothers are England's back four. Heaven help us. Owen's out for sure... Rooney's way off full power... Where to now, Sven? FOUR STRIKERS?! YOU PLONKER!

Wednesday 21 June:
Wake up and realise that fate is being kind. Misfortune means we'll have to play 4-1-4-1 with Gerrard and Lamps bombing on from the midfield. We will now win the World Cup. It will be a miracle of Biblical proportions. Go back to sleep.