By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

What's that abour four strikers?

Wednesday 14 June:
The pain in Spain falls mainly on Ukraine. Everyone's going a bit overboard 'cos Spain won 4-0 - a deflection, a penalty that never was and some sloppy work from Shev and co. I can't see it meself.

Germany v Poland in the evening. The hosts no great shakes although the sub Odonkor (don't they make yoghurt?) looks a bit handy. Last minute winner deserved. It's a mate's 40th birthday so it's a curry and than on to a pole dancing club. Unsurprisingly, there are no Poles dancing.

Thursday 15 June:
Ingerlund Ingerlund Ingerlund. Looking forward to playing Germany in round two after Ecuador's win. Course we've got the little matter of Trinidad and Tobago first. Oh dear. We are crap. JT saves us from a goal from Stern John - a man who sounds like he could have come from Alice in Wonderland.

C'mon Rooney. Hell-fire, c'mon anyone! C'mon Lennon! Imagine there's no full-back - it's easy if you try. Becks knocks one in from right-back, Crouchy jumps (he can jump!) and 1-0. Gerrard has a quick Shakattack at the end and we're through. Strange. There's summat reassuring about how crap we're playing.

Sponge? You're having a laugh!

Friday 16 June:
Exhausted. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's just not enough beer. Decide to take the afternoon off. Miss the greatest goal in World Cup history. The Dutch sneak past the unlucky Ivory Coast. Ironic that the Elephants have had a tournament to forget.

Doctors say Rooney injured the spongy bone of the metatarsal - the bit that heals quicker than the other bit. How long have they known this? Just think of the column inches we could have saved! That's a forest the size of Wales we've lost. Come to think of it, what use is a spongy bit of bone? Look out Mr Kipling - they'll be finding bony bits of sponge next.

Saturday 17 June:
The big papers are full of diagrams of the Greatest World Cup Goal ever. It's just a load of bloody arrows pointing all over the shop. Apparently there were 24 passes before the goal. That was my average total for a night out when I was a spotty herbert. But unlike Cambiasso, I never scored.

Deco puts Portugal in front v Iran. Is it me or does Deco look like a Pokemon character? Suddenly Ghana are great! Love the lad Pimpong. Best name so far, just pipping Guagua (Ecuador). And the Yanks hold Italy too. De Rossi should be in prison for GBH, although generaIly I've seen more combative games of netball. Go to bed dreaming of combative games of netball.

Did someone say pies?

Sunday 18 June:
Let's get off Owen's back, eh? Holy s***, this lad's one of the greatest goal-hangers in English football history. In fact, can we all stop slagging our boys until they've properly cocked it up!

Support Australia v Brazil. Feel slightly soiled but carry on anyway. Why is Ronaldo on the pitch? Perhaps they've hidden some pies out there and he's got an hour to find them all before Robinho gets on and makes them look good. Aussies robbed. Ref a joke. Not that I've got any time for Mr Merk. Merk? Is that a wind-up? Best ask Rio.

MORE FROM ROBBO ON WEDNESDAY.