By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

What's that abour four strikers?

Monday 26 June
Come on Aussies, come on! What am I saying? The missus is nearly in tears when she hears Totti's on the bench. I won't miss the big old jessie. Totti by name.... It's a grim old match, though. Another hare-brained red card, this time for Materazzi. Trouble is, old habits die hard and Italy just love it when they have to defend forever and a day. Aussies clueless.

Totti comes on as sub. Get ice-pack for wife and go and watch portable telly upstairs. It's got extra-time written all over it until Fatty (or Grosso, if you're Italian) falls over Schwarzer like an old dog trying to dive into a river and the ref, surprise, surprise, gives a pen. I despair. See sad Aussie fans and perk up a bit. Ukraine v Switzerland... If you missed it, here are the highlights. Yep, that's it. They even managed to make the penalty shoot-out dull.

Tuesday 27 June
Brazil coast past Ghana. Everyone keeps saying how rubbish they are. 1-0, 2-0, 4-1, 3-0... They're on a terrible run when you think about it. Ghana looked good until the final third which is, frankly, pointless. It's like praising a pole vaulter for running nicely. Looking forward to Spain v France. Great to see Zidane still going and am pleased to see Spain go out, if only cos we don't have to look at that great miserable lump Aragones. Also France progress despite having a crappity coach. Familiar?

Wednesday 28 June
No footie. Am bereft. Open can of lager at 4pm out of habit. Look at wall-chart. Predict the following: Germany 2 Argentina 3; England 2 Portugal 1 (aet); Italy 2 Ukraine yawn; Brazil 2 France 2 (Brazil win on pens). Watch Tim Henman against Roger Federer. Against is too strong a word. Read big papers. Everyone laying into England - we are the worst team in the world.

It could be worse...

Hold up. What about the Henman, the cricketers, Jenson Bleeding Button, Choker Montgomerie, etc., etc... They're really disappointing! Can we wait for us to lose before we slag em all off!? God help you miserable b*****d journos if we win the whole caboodle. You'll be in mourning for decades. They must all be secret Scots.

Thursday 29 June

Still no footie. What did we do with ourselves before Germany 2006? Saw interview with McClaren. He's another mumbler isn't he, to be fair? I can't imagine big Steve giving anybody the hair-dryer treatment. More likely you'd get a gentle waft.

The more you look at Sven the more he looks like a bloke who doesn't want to be noticed. All hunched and timorous like a snuffly little Swedish lemming. Let's hope JT has been working on some tub-thumping routines, eh? No footie. Wife stands in front of Cbeebies and tells me that footie will be on tomorrow. She drives me to pub. She's a good lass, really.