Over the past couple of months, anyone who vaguely resembles a student is guaranteed to look exactly the same: namely pale, drawn, possibly in a coma (we don’t look like this all the time, honest). What on earth can reduce us to such gibbering wrecks? Exams, of course. Exams are an interesting concept. From my own experience and what I've noticed from my housemates, students appear to go through the 'seven stages of exams', akin to the 'seven stages of grief' (although I'm sure many consider the latter to be the less traumatic). Stage One
The first stage comes many months before the actual exam period itself. It can even manifest itself immediately after the last exams. This, I feel, can be only labelled as 'optimism'. This stage usually comes to light in the pub or at a party; in front of people that you know well, at least. "I will revise properly next time", you announce with a confident swagger. " I'll draw up that revision timetable and set some time aside each day, rise at seven, work diligently and efficiently and I can flop in front of Neighbours at twenty to six knowing I've done a good day's work." This stage would continue along its merry way and we would all get full marks if it were not for the second, and most powerful stage: denial. Stage Two
Exams? What exams? Such denial leads to 'distraction' activities. Distraction dog walking. Distraction Richard and Judy watching. But the most lethal of them all has to be distraction cleaning, as this is the only thing sorely needed in student houses and in turn actively encouraged by your housemates. I think the lowest point came during my lengthy spell of distraction cleaning when I argued at length on the phone with my mum about how I couldn't possibly revise when my room was this dusty. By the time all the rooms are spingly and sparkly, the next 'stage' comes, transforming denial into anger. Stage three
Being a politics student myself, the old argument of exams being a tool of governmental oppression usually surfaces, ending in a whiny "Why do I have to do exams anyway?" Around this time you start idly texting people on your course about how their revision is going, and there's always one story about a girl in another class called Angela who has already done all her revision and is now spending the rest of her free time helping orphan babies in Taiwan. This results in yet another day wasted grinding your teeth and doodling 'I hate Angela' all over your exam notes. Now the exams are getting close, maybe a week or so before the date of doom. The stark reality of exams looms and anger slowly melts away into the fourth stage of fear. Stage four
This is probably the most useful of all the stages, as begrudgingly the novel concept of actually doing some work becomes the only option available. This '‘fear' stage is quite productive until a day before the exams. This is usually replaced by the stage of 'The Fear', which although sounds suspiciously similar to the last stage, I’m sure anyone who has experienced any sort of exam will tell you that they are completely different. 'The Fear' is a stage of heightened panic, a feeling of 'Oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-fail!' Personally, 'The Fear' for me is the feeling that my stomach has suddenly metamorphosed into a washing machine filled with hazardous chemicals, swishing around mercilessly until the exam itself, usually clicking onto the setting of 'super fast spin' as you're going into the examination room. Then the exam(s). The less said about that whole thing the better. Stage six
The sixth, and definitely the best, stage is sweet, sweet relief. It's pretty obvious which people on your course have done well, they're usually chattering excitedly and sailing to the pub with their feet never touching the ground. And for the ones for whom it went badly, they're avoiding eye contact with everybody and looking for the nearest exit to get the hell out of there. Whichever one you fit into, who cares - it's over! Stage seven
The final 'stage of exams' is 'bladdered', and therefore concludes in the pub, usually having consumed the weekly recommended units in an evening. That's another exam period over, a revision timetable to rip down and stamp on, another encyclopaedic stack of exam notes to bin. And of course, at the end of the night, you'll stand up and with a confident swagger announce: "You know, I will revise properly next time.." Kate | 
