Getting ready to say a big goodbye to your little one can be distressing for your child, and exhausting as a parent.
But it’s also a normal part of their development, as they are learning to understand how important your relationship is to them.
Here are some tips to help your child through those goodbyes and keep stress to a minimum.
Helen: One thing with Margo is she gets very attached to mum, to me, and I found myself drying my hair the other day with her on my lap because she just didn't want me to put her down so she gets upset with separation quite often.
Konnie: A lot of the time when you left and then he was crying for you, it was difficult for me, you know, you have that first time mum thing of, oh, why does he always want the other one? There she is.
Helen: With Margo, when she started nursery, that was a no, you're leaving me with these people that I don't know. We've got to wait for her to warm up and things. And then once she's comfortable, we can absolutely, you know, say, okay, bye.
Rosie:The first time Teddy went to Childminder's, he had a little tester session for an hour. And it just felt so weird leaving the house without him because he'd been attached to me for about 10 months. Like looking in the car and looking in the mirror and not seeing
him behind me and being like oh I've forgotten the baby and it's like no he's meant to be there it's okay but it just felt really weird thefirst time. Teddy's kind of got into a little habit now he'll ask when we go like are we getting in the car he'll be like right mama coming?
yeah Mama's coming. Mummy coming? Mummy's coming. Georgie coming? Georgie coming. and then he just oh he's like okay I know what to expect now and so he's kind of developed a little strategy for himself and he'll check won't he?
Helen:She has to leave the house with something and she takes it in the car but it's like she feels like she's taking a bit of home with her I think.
Rosie: If he knows he's doing something really exciting at Childminder or if he's kind of explained to him like, oh it's a forest school day, he'll be a bit like, bye mummy, like mamma work, and he's like, come on I've got things to do ladies, could you wrap it up here, I've got exciting business.
Konnie: Yeah, yeah, George will just start blowing kisses if he wants you to leave. Yeah, it's got quite a distinctive… Yeah, I'm done now, you can go.
Why is it so difficult to say goodbye?
You might be asking yourself why something we do everyday has to be such a big challenge.
But surprisingly, separation anxiety can be a positive indicator that your child has a good relationship with you.
Some children find leaving their parents, and being independent, harder to handle than others at first.
It just means your child needs extra time to adjust to being without you while building positive relationships with the adults at nursery or in the classroom.
Rest assured, most children will calm down quickly when engaging in activity with other children.
Some signs that your child may need extra support
Most children's worries will become more manageable as they practise leaving for school
But if your child is having long-term difficulties, it could be a sign of needing a bit more support.
Here are some signs to look out for:
Tummy aches or headaches that appear before and after nursery
Extreme distress that doesn’t ease once they’re in nursery (i.e. your child comes out of nursery crying)
Withdrawal after nursery, refusing to talk, or appearing very subdued
Anxiety spilling into other areas of life such as struggles falling asleep, not wanting to do activities outside your home, or regular nightmares
If you notice these signs continuing for more than 6-8 weeks, it’s worth reaching out to your child’s teacher, GP, or health visitor for extra support.
Tips for making goodbyes easier
Start with the basics
Like learning any new skill, there are some easy warm-ups that you can try to ease your child into a new environment.
If you are going to be working with a new childminder or babysitter, consider setting up a taster session.
This will give your child a chance to get to know a new adult, and an opportunity to play and develop these relationships.
It will also be a good opportunity for your child to familiarise themselves with the new environment, particularly to engage with new and exciting toys or activities they can enjoy whilst you are out.
Be sure to bring any items that your child finds comforting, like a teddy or a "love button" – when parents are around this can be a great reminder that they will be safe.
It is also important to keep an open dialogue and work collaboratively with any adults looking after your child.
Be sure to tell them if you have any existing routines in place, and if there is anything your child likes or really doesn’t like!
Setting routines
Short, predictable routines can help whenever a goodbye needs to happen.
It might take a bit of trial and error to find out what words are best to help your child, but generally something memorable and short is best.
Finding a way to incorporate an action into this routine like a hug can help to direct a child’s attention, and help them understand when a goodbye is finished.
Taking an object from home to their childcare setting can help with the transition from home too.
Talking about goodbyes
It can be really helpful for a child to listen to you talk about goodbyes, as this makes it feel a lot more normal.
The best thing you can do is be truthful, and not suggest anything to your child that might not happen – you can’t control every part of your little one’s day or their feelings.
Focus on actions and activities that you know will happen, like being with a teacher, or playing with different toys, so they know what to expect.
Putting on the show
Children can be really receptive to our moods, feelings and emotions.
So in tough moments like goodbyes, it’s important to model the behaviour that you want to see.
This might mean acting calm, happy or excited, when in reality you are just as nervous about the goodbye as they are!
With all this acting, it’s important to look after your own mental health, and to think about ways you can practice self-care.
For example, can you set up your own calming routine in the car after a goodbye to calm yourself before getting ready for work?
And if you need support with goodbyes, a partner, friend, loved one, or even your GP might be able to help you.
