Listen to Holloway sound off!

David James and some bloke from Sparks

Ian Holloway gives us the lowdown on the burning issues of the week in his regular column.

The Plymouth boss gives his verdict on David James' haircut, Carlos Tevez in a Brazil shirt, why ballet beats beer - and pregnant men!

Different, isn't it? All he needs is a Hercule Poirot moustache and he's there. He looked like something out of a Bond film, although I don't wanna say too much - he lives just up the road from me so he might come down and knock me out.

Someone said he looked like the keyboard player from Sparks, but us baldies are jealous of him because we'd love to have the chance to have a choice of style.

I think he looked suave and sophisticated. If he had a big tweed jacket on, he'd really look the part. He looked a bit swish. In fact, debonair is the word.

One of the papers said he might get it shaved off because of all the mickey-taking. Don't do it, David! Leave it as it is - I think it looks great. Everybody needs a change now and again.

Tevez took the news well

Oh dear. That's clever management, that, making a joke out of something that was very serious. I let my players do a similar thing.

We've got the Joey Barton bottom which we introduced a few weeks ago (Plymouth shorts with plastic backside sewn into them given to the worst player of the week). Every Friday morning in training, before we do the serious bit, we have a vote.

And I tell you what, there's some vindictive people around. You soon find out the little cliques you've got going on. You'll never get an honest vote but it's going very well. If a player's nominated, he'll wear it, no problem.

It was supposed to be for the worst player, but it can be awarded for anything. The other week there was a terrible quote from one of them in the local paper after he'd got his nose bashed a couple of times. He said: "My wife prays for me now". The rest of the players absolutely hammered him and he got the shorts.

The week before someone closed down a free-kick before the ball had even moved, so they voted for him. Another time one of them couldn't go out because his girlfriend wouldn't let him and he was picked.

It's been brilliant. It's really important that you can see the funny side of things and fair play to Alan Pardew for doing that with Tevez.

That should be a very serious fine - what is he doing? I don't know what he was thinking but he's absolutely had one there, hasn't he?

I thought defenders were taught to keep their eyes on the ball. We need to get him a pair of those boots with Velcro on - obviously he can't tie his laces properly. Get him a pair of slip-ons!

I'll be back in nine montths

When you're a liar you've got to check very carefully. I'd have asked him to do a urine test there and then to prove it. That'd sort him out.

And if it was positive he'd be worth a fortune and wouldn't have to worry about working again.

They'll have to call him '25-watt, on the dimmer switch, turned down'. Not the brightest.

Barry Critchley: "What's your idea of a good night out. Would you rather have 10 pints and a curry or a trip to the theatre or perhaps the opera?!"

I can't drink volumes of alcohol like that. I'd rather go to the theatre or the cinema - I've been to the cinema quite a lot recently.

606: DEBATE Have you got a question for Ian Holloway? Chris Charles 606: Have your say

I want to see Casino Royale - or rather my wife does because that bloke looks great in his trunks. It's nice to see a beefy James Bond again.

I do like a nice curry but nothing like that amount of alcohol. I'm only a little bloke and I'd look like a dirty great barrel if I carried on like that. I have been to the opera and I've been to the ballet - and to be fair I thought it was fantastic.

If you go to the ballet you have about eight intervals - it's different class. In fact you could almost have your 10 pints during the breaks and by the end of it you're loving it. I strongly recommend it. There's nothing like going out as a family and doing something different.

Comedy Dave: "Ian, you said if you could find a VW Beetle in as good a condition as your old one you would get one. I have a 1965 beetle for sale, excellent condition, fancy buying it?!!"

Yes I do. What colour is it? Have the seals gone, does the heater work and how much do you want for it? I'd be interested as long as you're not going to rip me off! I also want to get my wife a lovely camper van, so if anyone out there knows of one for sale, let me know.

Interview by Chris Charles.