He's talking out of his wotsit again

Ian Holloway gives us the lowdown on the burning issues of the week in his regular column.

The Plymouth boss talks about the false backside he donned for training and a new �30 bottle of water favoured by Paris Hilton.

After my shocking performance playing for the reserves the other week I decided to show the players exactly what I thought.

I sent someone down to the joke shop to see if they could find a false bum, cut a hole in a pair of club shorts and stuck the plastic one in there.

I told the players: "I heard a horrible rumour that I made an arse of myself last week" and then turned around to show them my new bottom.

The lads thought it was hilarious but if we hadn't found the plastic one there's no way I would have done it with my own backside - no-one wants to see that!

We've nicknamed them the "Barton Shorts", after Joey Barton's antics at Everton. I know the FA weren't too happy about that but the rest of the country thought it was hilarious.

Plymouth have a new strip for the Hallowe'en visit of Ipswich

We're getting someone to sew the false cheeks in properly - and every week the worst player will have to wear the Barton Shorts to training on Friday.

We might even get two pairs made in case one's in the wash or something.

The lads all work hard - and they showed great spirit to beat Derby - but it's important to have a bit of fun. Whatever you do in life, you do it better if you're enjoying yourself.

"All I was thinking about was Nyron Nosworthy, Stan Varga, Clive Clark and Danny Collins." Roy Keane.

I had to laugh at that. Roy takes his wife out to dinner and all he can think about is his back four! I know exactly what he means because it does get to you, but having had years of practice you realise you do have to try and leave it behind.

Roy's a great bloke and I have no doubt that he'll do very well at Sunderland but the problem is that he's not out there on the pitch with them and can't affect the play like he used to. It takes you a while to adjust.

My wife has had to put up with a lot from me over the years but she's still with me - God bless her!

If it's good enough for Paris...

�30 for a bottle of water? You've got to be joking.

Would I pay �30 for that? No I wouldn't! What a great gimmick, though.

Paris Hilton apparently drinks it and gives it to her dog - good luck to her.

You show me the proof that it's �29 better than a normal bottle of water and I might buy one. Until then I'd rather drink my water straight from the tap - and that costs me enough as it is!