By Mark Richardson New Zealand Test batsman

We narrowly avoided grabbing defeat from the clutches of victory in the first Test against Pakistan but in the second it came to a horrifying reality.

What really hurts me most is that I failed to do my job for my country when it called on me

With a first innings lead of 170 and two days to go we were pretty smug.

At 100 all out with Pakistan needing 270 to win with five sessions to go we were concerned.

Having lost by seven wickets we are devastated.

We have taken some heat in the media but there was a little comfort in new coach John Bracewell's assertion it would have been far worse had we been English.

In Hamilton it was the up-and-coming Mohammad Sami who nearly sunk us with a devastating spell of fast bowling

In Wellington it was the man himself, Shoaib Akhtar, who destroyed us with express reverse-swing.

This match once again reinforced how hard it is to score well in both innings against a quality Test bowling attack.

I place this current Pakistan attack as the most destructive I've batted against and that includes the Aussies.

You just cannot rest on your laurels against bowlers of this calibre.

From a personal perspective this was the most depressing moment in my Test career.

Some say I could hold my head up with a tally of 180 runs from two Tests at an average of 45, but I am hanging my head in shame.

In four innings I got settled in only to blow big scores with very poor lapses of concentration, manifested in terrible shot selection.

Shoaib ran through New Zealand with express reverse swing

I blew my dream of a century at the Basin Reserve (my Lord's) trying to play a shot I just should not have played when on 82.

These sorts of chances do not come round that often at Test level and the great players take them.

Missing out on hundreds is a big personal disappointment but what really hurts me most is that I failed to do my job for my country when it called on me.

On 41 in the second innings of the second Test I played a terrible attempt at a cut shot to Akhtar and edged through to the keeper.

I had made 41 but I was the player in, Akhtar had four balls left in his spell.

My job was to him see him off and had I done so it would have eliminated our only real threat to setting up a huge run chase.

I failed and thus opened the floodgates that saw us lose seven wickets for 10 runs.

I may be hard on myself but the chance to win match are rare and great players - and my idols - take them.

I am extremely disappointed with myself and now can only hope to show I am a better cricketer if I am given this responsibility again soon.

Hopefully the chance will come against South Africa in March. Until then I wish you all a Happy New Year.