Grandma's guide to healthcare

Nathan's nan shares her guide to getting out of the sickbed...

Diagnosis

When seeking to find out exactly what illness someone is suffering from, it’s important to ask the right questions. Good questions may include; “Bwoy! What you lying about there for?”, “Bwoy! Why you sneeze? You stupid?” and “Stop moaning about there! Fix up!”

Reassurance

It’s important to reassure the patient that, despite the seriousness of their illness, they will get better. Try using phrases like “Get up nuh!”, “Chicken-pox? Wha you mean, chicken-pox?” and, “If mi was coughing up blood, mi would nuh make such a fuss about it.”

Treatment

If the patient is required to administer their own medical treatment, give clear instructions about how this should be done, e.g. “Wha you put that bandage on for? Blood is meant to flow!”

Where periods of bed-rest are required, do whatever you can to minimize stress to the patient. It’s a good idea to come in and say “You hungry? You eat?” at least once every five minutes. This is especially important when someone has food poisoning.

Recovery

Always show your supportive side as the patient begins to recover. They may still be feeling very vulnerable and can benefit from positive reinforcement. Try saying things like “You up nuh? About time!” or “You finish wasting everyone’s time with dis broken leg nonsense?”

These methods have been proven to work over generations of West Indian grandmothers.