Sorry if some of this sounds faintly hysterical and full of a thinly-veiled desperation... only I'm writing a novel.
This is what I do between series of Phil the Shelf on Radio Wales. I've tried doing it at the same time, and it doesn't work, mainly because you have to read lots of other novels for the programme. For some writers, this might be a good thing. They spot something clever in a book and think, Yeah, I could pinch that.
Not me. I home in, with unfailing accuracy, on the bad bits - the convoluted plotting, the unconvincing dialogue, and then it's Oh no... do I do that? And then it's back to the manuscript, reading through it all again in a hot-and-cold panic, feverishly altering various bits just to make sure.
You can really do without this when you're up against a deadline from hell. By which I mean you have another nine weeks to complete a novel started just after Christmas. A 400-page-plus novel which is (aaaaaaaagh!) just over a quarter finished. You do the maths, I'm scared to.
All I know is that every day that slips by after that deadline makes it less and less likely that the novel will come out in 2013. And if it doesn't come out in 2013, I don't get paid until 2014.
Yes, I know... as it actually only takes a couple of weeks to print and package a book, what possible reason can there be for needing it six months in advance?
The cover? Already done, well before the book's finished.
Editing and corrections? Say two weeks, max.
Copy editing? (That means final tweaks and marking up the manuscript for the printer.) Less than one week.
A proofreader at work. Image: istockphoto/Carmen Martínez Banús
So what about the other five months?
Whenever you put this question to a publisher you get a vague reply formed around the words 'preparing the trade'. Basically, this means flogging the book to the book-chains and wholesalers, the aim being to get them to order a few thousand more than they did last time. Admittedly, not easy during a triple recession which could be a quadruple recession by the time the book's out.
But what's stopping them flogging it to the trade before you've finished writing it? After all, they know what it's about because you gave them the blurb for the cover several weeks ago.
The answer to this one is simple: you're a novelist, you tell lies for a living. They just don't trust you to come up with the goods.
So why am I wasting valuable writing time blogging about this? Well... it's because, after a heavy grounding in journalism, I can only work under unbearable pressure. If I don't meet the deadline, I'll have humiliated myself before not only the publishers but you lot as well. And also it helps to unload some of the agony. So, if you're easily depressed, stay away from here until the end of April. Strong language and flashing images cannot be ruled out.
Anyway, it's a crime novel with an element of the paranormal, and it's set mainly in Hay-on-Wye, the international town of books. Which is good, because if Hay's your nearest town and you've known it for many years, there won't be any problems over locations, will there?
Yeah, right. The truth is you never realise how little you know about a place until you're writing a novel about it. Come on, all you bibliophiles... what's the first shop after the public loos opposite the clock tower?
Hell, I've been there thousands of times. Over the past year, I’ve taken scores of pictures, and I still can't think what adjoins the Ladies. If it's not obvious from Google Earth, I'll have go back yet again. In fact, if you're in Hay this week, you might even spot me. After which you'll probably want to cross the road and walk faster.
See, while some of my characters are weird and psychotic, I like to think I'm not. Although I realise it might not be that easy to convince anybody who's seen me apparently talking to myself while taking pictures of things that normal tourists do not take pictures of, like the aforementioned ladies' conveniences, for the purpose of calculating distances. Which is why, when prowling the streets of Hay, I do worry about being pulled in for questioning by the cops. Especially if it's the cops I'm taking pictures of.
But that's just a minor problem. There's much worse to come, as the masochists who stick around will find out.
