Self Improvement
Hello Matt here,
What about Courtney Love saying she fancies me but I need to get my teeth fixed? A fact she reiterated to me again this week. It’s made me take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. My teeth ain’t that bad, but they’re certainly not pearly-white, L.A. gnashers. Courtney’s teeth cost a lot of money, she told us how much but I’ve blanked it out; it was a crazy sum. So much so, that if she ever needed to buy a hotel or a space-tourism flight she could crack out an incisor and pay with that.
The thing is, I think those Hollywood teeth are merely a veneer that goes over your actual teeth. Now, I don’t like the thought of my real, wonky teeth lurking behind the scenes like some deformed family member imprisoned in an attic. The thing is, one day they will break free and then you have a lot of questions to answer. Trust me.
Anyway, I think my gob is OK for now, especially for radio. Teeth can’t let you down in the aural medium; unless they grow wildly out of control and clink and scrape on a microphone; but that is months, if not years, away.
So anyway, this week we are talking about self-improvement, and how you got the message it was time for a change.
Apparently cats pad their owner as a show of affection. Russell has confided in me that his cat Morrissey pads him, but always on his liver. He thinks this may be a sign he needs some self-improvement to his liver, as though the cat were sensing some malady. Perhaps the cat is just sensing that it is a ‘lily-liver’ belonging to a man so cowardly he believes his innocent cat is a harbinger of doom? I think so.
So anyway, when have you received a message to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’? Be it from Courtney Love, a cat or a series of invasive and humiliating medical tests. Let us know.
Trevor and the Burglars
Hello everyone - it's Trevor here. Russell was unable to write the last Russell Brand Radio 2 Show blog himself so he asked Matt to do it. This time Matt's too busy so now it's down to me. Expect next week's blog to be written by Andy from the Jonathan Ross show or the lady who does the travel news.
So last Thursday at The Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham Russell gave one of the performances of his tour so far to a sellout crowd of 1400. Plus one person listening to the last bit on the intercom in his dressing room after failing to find the auditorium and getting locked out of the theatre, then spending twenty minutes scampering the back streets of Birmingham trying to get back in again, eventually through the disabled access door. That was me. I do the warm up bit on the tour for Russell. I go on first to massive disappointment and confusion as people realise I'm not Russell and then wonder if they've come to the right show. Then I tell them they have come to the right show but Russell has had to cancel due to unforseen circumstances. Then I say not really, he'll be on in a little while after I've done my bit. Then everyone gets up and goes to the bar. Actually they usually all stay and we have a chat and a laugh.This Saturday Night's Russell Brand Radio 2 Show features the exciting prospect of Russell in conversation with the extraordinary singer and actress Courtney Love. Also the topic for discussion that we'd like your emails and text messages on is 'personal conspiracy theories'. The little, seemingly incidental, events of our lives that upon second glance reveal an altogether more sinister or salacious truth. My mum used to tell me that if the phone rings and there's no one on the line when you answer it that means somewhere there's a burglar with the phonebook crossing off your address. As a kid this once made me panic when I was on my own and I didn't get to the phone in time. I thought, that's it now, I'm done for, it's only a matter of minutes before the burlgars arrive. Then I had to work out whether it was best for me to just leave the house and go for a walk, letting the burglars get on with it or stay and defend the house. But how? What would I do when the burglars arrived? Plus they'd be angry because I didn't answer the phone. I tried 1471 to call them back but the number was withheld - definitely burglars then. But at least I'd have the element of surprise on my side. So what? What was I going to do with the element of surprise. Leap out on them and shout 'Surprise! ' Then what? Turn on the lights and reveal I'd baked them a cake? The element of surprise is not even a real element. Gold or lead are real elements, surprise is an emotion. If I had the element of lead or gold on my side, maybe in the form of a pipe or a bar, that might have helped but all I had on my side was the emotion of surprise. So what I decided to do was turn on all the lights in the house and put on the radio and tv so it looked like someone was at home to put the burglars off. But then I realised that is exactly what people do when they are not at home, they try to make it look like they are at home - so if anything this would be just what the burglars would expect. In the end I just went around the house turning the lights, tv and stereo on and off, shouting and making noise night all until my parents eventually got back. They got back fairly early as it turned out. I said why you back early? We were worried about you - you didn't answer the phone.
Even now as a grown up I'm always suspicious when I pick up my home phone and there's no one there but my friends tell me I should wait for it to ring first.
At the moment my personal conspiracy theory is that Russell and Matt will once again send me out onto the chilly streets of London, apparently to explore this topic further but actually it's just they've got a bet on how long I last before I catch pneumonia. Switch on your wireless sets tomorrow night at 9pm to find out.
The pressure of being like R2
Hello listeners, Matt here, hope you enjoyed our first show on R2. It’s nice to say R2 as its R2-D2’s first name, used only by his closest friends such as Luke and C3P0. The D2’s were all very proud of R2, at first they thought he may bring shame to the D2 lineage but in the end they all thought R2 was a terrific guy. In fact a lot of the young D2 kids felt a bit in his shadow and the pressure to ‘be like uncle R2’ was mostly to blame for K1-D2 getting into drugs and kicking over a bin. So anyway, its nice to be on R2.
I am writing this because Russell is a man out of time; he proudly crosses roads confident that the motorcar will not be invented for another fifty years. Thus the idea of him writing a blog is like Samuel Pepys in a disco. This is a man who writes his Guardian columns by recording his voice on wax cyclinders which are then painstakingly transcribed by his PA. She has to use a quill because Russell is mistrustful of modern pens, believing rollerball technology to be the work of ‘some deville’. But I will try to get him to contribute when he can.
So anyway, next show we’ll be talking about conspiracy theories. We’d like to focus more on the small conspiracies that plague your life such as ‘someone keeps moving my bins’ and ‘are pavements getting smaller?’ more than Area 51 and The New World Order as we are planning to start a cult and we don’t want to draw the attention of the powers that be yet. So anyway, let us know what’s troubling you... bye.
Welcome you swines!
Do not be alarmed i will respect your radio station, promise! Nah don't worry it's all going to be a right proper lovely old laugh. Think of me as the new substitute teacher, but don't be tempted to be horrible and victimise me, give me a chance - and for gawd's sake look after me!
So this is the new blog, where all manner of outrageous things will be going on. Keep your old eyes peeled to this page for general ramblings, a plethora of profound statements and theories of the world, universe and everything...citin' isn't it?!
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