Trevor and the Burglars
Hello everyone - it's Trevor here. Russell was unable to write the last Russell Brand Radio 2 Show blog himself so he asked Matt to do it. This time Matt's too busy so now it's down to me. Expect next week's blog to be written by Andy from the Jonathan Ross show or the lady who does the travel news.
So last Thursday at The Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham Russell gave one of the performances of his tour so far to a sellout crowd of 1400. Plus one person listening to the last bit on the intercom in his dressing room after failing to find the auditorium and getting locked out of the theatre, then spending twenty minutes scampering the back streets of Birmingham trying to get back in again, eventually through the disabled access door. That was me. I do the warm up bit on the tour for Russell. I go on first to massive disappointment and confusion as people realise I'm not Russell and then wonder if they've come to the right show. Then I tell them they have come to the right show but Russell has had to cancel due to unforseen circumstances. Then I say not really, he'll be on in a little while after I've done my bit. Then everyone gets up and goes to the bar. Actually they usually all stay and we have a chat and a laugh.
This Saturday Night's Russell Brand Radio 2 Show features the exciting prospect of Russell in conversation with the extraordinary singer and actress Courtney Love. Also the topic for discussion that we'd like your emails and text messages on is 'personal conspiracy theories'. The little, seemingly incidental, events of our lives that upon second glance reveal an altogether more sinister or salacious truth. My mum used to tell me that if the phone rings and there's no one on the line when you answer it that means somewhere there's a burglar with the phonebook crossing off your address. As a kid this once made me panic when I was on my own and I didn't get to the phone in time. I thought, that's it now, I'm done for, it's only a matter of minutes before the burlgars arrive. Then I had to work out whether it was best for me to just leave the house and go for a walk, letting the burglars get on with it or stay and defend the house. But how? What would I do when the burglars arrived? Plus they'd be angry because I didn't answer the phone. I tried 1471 to call them back but the number was withheld - definitely burglars then. But at least I'd have the element of surprise on my side. So what? What was I going to do with the element of surprise. Leap out on them and shout 'Surprise! ' Then what? Turn on the lights and reveal I'd baked them a cake? The element of surprise is not even a real element. Gold or lead are real elements, surprise is an emotion. If I had the element of lead or gold on my side, maybe in the form of a pipe or a bar, that might have helped but all I had on my side was the emotion of surprise. So what I decided to do was turn on all the lights in the house and put on the radio and tv so it looked like someone was at home to put the burglars off. But then I realised that is exactly what people do when they are not at home, they try to make it look like they are at home - so if anything this would be just what the burglars would expect. In the end I just went around the house turning the lights, tv and stereo on and off, shouting and making noise night all until my parents eventually got back. They got back fairly early as it turned out. I said why you back early? We were worried about you - you didn't answer the phone.
Even now as a grown up I'm always suspicious when I pick up my home phone and there's no one there but my friends tell me I should wait for it to ring first.
At the moment my personal conspiracy theory is that Russell and Matt will once again send me out onto the chilly streets of London, apparently to explore this topic further but actually it's just they've got a bet on how long I last before I catch pneumonia. Switch on your wireless sets tomorrow night at 9pm to find out.
First conspiracy - this person writing this blog entry claims to be Trevor Lock but the identifier on the blog is Mark Simpson. What has happened to Trevor? Have Russell and Matt done away with him and are frantically trying to cover up their tracks by posting spurious blog entries? Listen closely on Saturday to see if Mr Lock is still alive ...
Trevor, I'm beginning to have serious concerns about the number of paranoid, angst-ridden and somewhat traumatic events we so often hear about from your childhood!
That said, I can sympathise with the burglarphobia. My mum gave my sister and I a code word ("silly sausages") that she would whisper through the letter box so we would know it was her and unlock the front door for her.
Oh, no! I revealed the secret code word!
Electric love, from
~ Lisa (of Leicester) x
Trevor, if this really is Trevor and not Mark, you do realise that you were about 24 at least when 1471 came in don't you?
My mum used to tell me that too....i used to not answer the phone on purpose so that someone would come round and chat to me while they robbed our house. No one ever came! boo hoo
When we went on holiday we always used to telephone home, because of course by this method we could tell whether we were being burgled or not!
Clever eh!
But imagine the fear on our end of the phone...listening to the dialtone....waiting for an answer! ....And now i come to think of it, what would we have done when the answer came? (high-pitched voice) "hello....can you set the video for corrie? ...you've taken the tv? ok, doesn't matter!"
Also, when i did get burgled last year, the thieving pikeys took all my broken technology, and insurance gave me brand shiny new stuff instead! Ace! so you see, burglars are our friends!
Love Amy
X X X
PS. burglars: please don't come and rob me in the night, I'm still well scared of you! ...But i SWEAR, the moment you step through my bedroom window i'll turn into the kid from home alone!
Goodness gracious Trevor, you do go on (that's a big clue that it really IS Trevor), and getting locked out of the theatre, then spending twenty minutes scampering the back streets of Birmingham trying to get back in again is another dead give-away! Nice to see all three of you sharing the blog.
Which leads me neatly on to the conspiracy that is allowing people to believe that this radio show is all about Russell Brand by calling it The Russell Brand Show, thus undermining the stalwart efforts of the talented messrs Lock and Morgan. But I prefer the really mind boggling conspiracy theories myself, like the royal family really being lizard-like aliens - they are much more fun than just wondering where all the ball point pens go when you can't find them.
Love you all
xxx
Well actually....
Basic Element Information:
Name: Surprise
Symbol: o_O
Atomic Number: 72
Atomic Mass: 578.03 amu
Melting Point: 57 °C (330.15 K, 134.6 °F)
Boiling Point: 114 °C (387.15 K, 237.2 °F)
Number of Protons/Electrons: 75
Number of Neutrons: 169
Classification: Rare Earth Elements
Crystal Structure: Cubic
Density @ 293 K: 11.34 g/cm3
Color: A slight rose coloured blush
I wish I could see Trevor Lock perform.
It's so weird actually being able to read all of Trevors opinion without Matt or Russell stopping him 5 seconds in accusing him of lunacy.
Well Done Trev!
xxxxxxxxx
Awww bless you little locky!!! You're lovely!!!!
Dear MR Lock,
You rock!
xxx
Trevor,
you should write the blog permanantly, good stuff lol/
Loving the show!
Trevor,
Very funny blog but why are you hardly audible on this new radio show of yours? What's wrong with you??
Tx
I think Trevor has morphed and turned into Louis Theroux (looking at the pic). I do hope he wasn't burgled tonight. Where is the fragrant Russell? He mentioned Archway this evening (am just minutes away friom said site) and I do believe I had a hot flush in anticipation that he may frequent the area.
please trev say more
Dear Radio 2 (R2 as Matt says),
Please give Trev and Matt a blog too, they're just as good as Russell!
Waiting in anticipation...
Gabi x
great blog entry Trev
great blog entry Trev, interesting kettle of fish with the old phone tale :)
Trev, why didn't you tell us more about this on your Saturday evening show? It's hilarious reading it but it would have been even better if we could have listened to it on radio... please tell us an anecdote next week! Please...
aw gawd mr lock u talk so much.
tell russell to return to essex so i can monopolize his good looks
Trevor,
The anagram of your name is `Rock Revolt` so in my subconscious you are a Ramones-style, libidinous cult character of audio insurrection. In the show you take comedic humiliation from `Blander Slurs` (Russell) and `Gammon Tart` (Matt). Is it a personal conspiracy confined to my thoughts alone or is there something strangely contrary about this?
Trevor.... exactly how old were you when the 1471 service was introduced? is this the fatal error that unravels another insidious lie you've portrayed??? hHMMMMM???
This title reminds me of 'Emil and the Detectives'
You should blog more often Trev!
Comment 19 is great! :D
Looking forward to the next show - what's the theme?
Shell xx
Approval?
Only you, Trevor, could have such a great anecdote!
:)