Self Improvement
Hello Matt here,
What about Courtney Love saying she fancies me but I need to get my teeth fixed? A fact she reiterated to me again this week. It’s made me take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. My teeth ain’t that bad, but they’re certainly not pearly-white, L.A. gnashers. Courtney’s teeth cost a lot of money, she told us how much but I’ve blanked it out; it was a crazy sum. So much so, that if she ever needed to buy a hotel or a space-tourism flight she could crack out an incisor and pay with that.
The thing is, I think those Hollywood teeth are merely a veneer that goes over your actual teeth. Now, I don’t like the thought of my real, wonky teeth lurking behind the scenes like some deformed family member imprisoned in an attic. The thing is, one day they will break free and then you have a lot of questions to answer. Trust me.
Anyway, I think my gob is OK for now, especially for radio. Teeth can’t let you down in the aural medium; unless they grow wildly out of control and clink and scrape on a microphone; but that is months, if not years, away.
So anyway, this week we are talking about self-improvement, and how you got the message it was time for a change.
Apparently cats pad their owner as a show of affection. Russell has confided in me that his cat Morrissey pads him, but always on his liver. He thinks this may be a sign he needs some self-improvement to his liver, as though the cat were sensing some malady. Perhaps the cat is just sensing that it is a ‘lily-liver’ belonging to a man so cowardly he believes his innocent cat is a harbinger of doom? I think so.
So anyway, when have you received a message to ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’? Be it from Courtney Love, a cat or a series of invasive and humiliating medical tests. Let us know.
Self improvement or upgrading to a better model, isn’t that what were all obsessed with these days? Who cares? The only thing that’s important in life is showing love to those you care about. Ideals don’t grow on trees.
You and your teeth are beautiful Matt.
Hello Matt !!
This show is just BRILLIANT!! Niether I, or my friends can get enough (yes obsessed is the word) We adore you all.
And Matt, they say that as long as your teeth are as white as the whiteness of your eyes then you're in a good color-wise status, but the thing is, what if they were whiter?? you would have to "yellow" them lol. I personally think you look just fine ;)
Matt, maybe you could speak to Shaun Ryder about his teeth improvements - they recently made it on to North West tonight as a news item!!
A yellow tinge to the whites of the eyes indicate there is something wrong with your liver. Maybe Morrissey is right. Have you looked Russell in the eyes lately?
Cats pad their owner to get them to lactate, because they did it to their mother when they were kittens and it becomes their habit to do it when they feel comfortable. Tell Russ not to worry. Either that or he has horrifying liver problems.
Also I once was looking at a girl in a parked car and thinking how bad her hair looked then realised it was my reflection.
Hi Russel, Matt and Cocky Locky, or whoever reads this.
Really enjoying the R2 show but wish I could chuck the whole 2hour 'Listen again' thing onto my Ipod (Other ........... Available!) instead of just the podcast.
On the subject of self improvment. As a teenager I was quite spotty, my Mum mentioned that it was because I had quite greasy skin (nice!) and that people with dry skin didn't tend to have the issue that I did. It was some weeks before she finally ventured into my room late at night to discover what was causing the dull humming noise that she heard each night just after I went up to bed. She managed quite well to keep a straight face while explaining that a hair dryer pointed at your mush for 10 minutes a day would not help achieve the dry skin that I now craved.
Bought some tickets to see you at High Wycombe in the new year a while back and can't wait to introduce some friends to the wonder of Ole Russ.
Eat Your Fudge Trevor!
so animals can detect our various infirmaties using the power of their minds? well, my dog sniffs my g-friends crotchal area.
shame that....
Bon Soir, We should all look at the fact that America is America and Great Britain is Great Britain! I don't like the fact that we are all somewhat edging towards an American image when if you look at you three gents we should be cherishing a new 'UK' style.
Yes a new UK Style where teeth are not required to look whiter than chalk and hair can grow to ridiculous lengths all over the body.
Russell's image could be called iconic yet cleverly hard to achieve as if we remember back to D.Beckhams many changing styles all copied by the adolescent men of yester year however having hair as long as Russell’s accompanied by 'laser sharp' facial hair escapes most 14-17 year olds.
M dot Morgan's style would be a more achievable feat. Despite not being iconic it is good because it incorporates the rock music image (excluding Goth) with the 21st century looking after yourself gym membership/sea salt hair spray effect. Young men to adhere to this would have to sculpt guns and stop drawing fake mascara tear drops from their eyes. Altogether nicely nice.
Cock Locky's image is borrowed from Robin Ince and maybe Trevor should follow gervais about rather than Russell and Matt. In fact you never see Robin & Locky in the same toilet cubicle do you?
Andy McLeod
Glasgow
xx
I just loved that she said, "Let me see your teeth," and than groaned, "English!"
I had braces for years and it was a total scam.
The fact that Morrissey kneads Russell's liver region wouldn't necessarily indicate hepatic impairement.Kneading by a cat is a sign of great affection and pleasure-Morrissey is remembering his kittenhood days and is trying to stimulate lactation!! He sees Russell as his Mum-the tomcat has turned into a wuss!!
Greetings gentlemen!
A comrade of mine informed me the other day that Russell calls his phone Cooper and believes it to be a "technological Jimeny Cricket". In disbelief I rushed to my laptop and downloaded what has to be described as yet another piece of genius from the Troublesome Trio. You see guys, I too call my phone Cooper! However, recently I had to send him back to the corporate fat cats to fix some small predicament. They couldn't and sent me a new one - Cooper the Second! BRILLIANT! (love it).
You guys are genuises. I love the podcasts, loved the appearance on Jonathan Ross, and the Russell Brand; Live dvd is most definitely on my christmas list this year.
Russell - you are my idol. I hope you go far, you're a rare, honest, charismatic chunk of talent and I wait with baited breath for your next show!
Hi Matt,
It is one thing to 'submit' to self improvement, but to have white teeth shaped like a parrot fish is another thing.
Unless you plan on scraping algae of rocks off the Barrier Reef with your chompers. I reckon stick to the ones you have got! No one likes a man like Guy Smiley (seseme street).
All this "self improvement" rubbish is a product of the grossly-overpaid, image-obsessed celebrity lifestyle that everyone lusts after nowadays and just makes all of us average people on an average wage leading our average lives feel rather inferior and depressed. It's what's inside that counts, and there are too many celebrities who could do with some self-improvement of the mind, because their carefully manufactured glossy exteriors hide a decaying and decadent psyche à la Dorian Grey.
I think I speak for many in saying that I love you three guys exactly as you are because you are intelligent, articulate and witty gents, sharing a natural bond of friendship and making us all laugh. Something like that cannot be bought. Keep your feet on the ground guys, Matt you have wonderful hair and as long as your teeth are functioning as they should and allowing you to masticate your food so that you may eat to survive, then you will be just fine and dandy. Just keep Russ on the straight and narrow and stop him from going the way of so many image-obsessed celebrities and becoming (even more) obsessed than he is already with laser hair removal, botox, liposuction and the like.
Please don't change
xxx
I like the way Noel evaded saying anything about Courtney by saying he has never met her. I'm sure Courtney knows about him slagging off kurt on an interview in the stop the clocks DVD - good job she popped out for a fag.
Russ - you're being dissed on ebay! The swine!
https://tinyurl.com/ym7z8w
On another point entirely much as I admire your efforts to generate a new terrace anthem for the Boleyn I think you're looking in the wrong musical era. Two of West Ham's most popular songs - Chim Chimmery/Bastards in Claret and Blue and Bubbles (the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang remix) are from 60's musicals based in ye olde England. Therefore I think that a song from Oliver may prove more terrace-friendly. What about One Club, club for sale as belted out by Harry Secombe/Terry Brown or maybe Ooompah pah Ooompah? Something to mull over anyway. Speaking of Harry Secombe do you remember Highway. Strange Sunday teatime viewing that....Harry would wander round random towns like Market Harborough in his carcoat, singing hymns. Hey it was the 80s!
Loving your work.
COYI!
jimmytheweed33
There are both good and bad examples of self improvement, e.g., Russell's teeth are quite beautiful but David Guest’s entire head is frankly scary.
I've not seen your teeth Matt however, if we take David Bowie for example, he was in my opinion one of the most striking men in the world, that is, until he had his teeth done......sometimes the imperfections make the character of a man and he never looked the same again.
On the topic of kitty kats, one of the reasons I personally feel so very much at one with my own is they completely adore me regardless of how I look, which means I can lay bare and free from inhibition in my bed with my favourite male cat, while he nuzzles gently into my nose and licks my face with his little rough tongue until it’s sore. If he were a man, I'd marry him but now I need to worry he's in fact trying to tell me I need a chemical peel???????
It would be nice to live in a world where women were free to be just that, appreciated for their feminine form no matter their shape or size however, it does seem that the male population prefer their women to be young, blonde and often surgically enhanced - quite depressing really so for the time being, I’ll stick with the cat!
Well, i was in the process of growing my hair a little longer and my mam every day would tell me my hair is an Effing mess...she did this as a way to try and get me to cut it, to be honest it werent that bad as i aint a scruffy git and always kept it clean and "well-groomed" but the other day i decided what the hell i shall get it cut at "sherlocks" other hair salons are available, the dood said he liked my hair, in fact it was quite similar to trevor locks somewhat, but either wya he said he liked the kinda side flick dodgy thing, and he would keep it but thin out my hair, basically it cost me £25.00 and everyone i asked said they cant really tell any difference...i know i certainly can as my wallet is just that little bit lighter than previous...but yeah its all thinner and stuff so it should grow better. I'm happy with it and so is my mam :)
Loving the show - was not convinced by Brandmania - I mean seriously his face was bloody everywhere. But after listening to the show I'm eating my words. But it's obviously not a one man operation - so tip of the hat to Matt and Trev.
Has any one else noticed that Courtney Love is never asked about Kurt? The silence is deafening. Not that I'm wanting her to pour out her heart over her dead husband, but would we really ever have heard of her had she not been married to the lad from Nirvana?
Self-improvement. I tells ya this has been being hinted at me for YEARS.
All through school.
Reports:
Primary school = Improving her work, but Annie must try to speak up in class
High School = Annie is very conscientious with her attitude, but must speak up more in class.
College = You are progressing well with the course, but try to speak up in class!
Ok, maybe in primary i was just shy.
By high school i couldnt be bothered.
And now in college...maybe I'm just rolling through Russell Brand live DVD in my head all day...
...Isn't the idea of self-improvement that you do it yourself?
Surely, if other people (or cats, Brandy) hint at you to change then it cant be self-improvement...
Ridicularse.
Keep on giggling, fellas.
And Matt, my dear. There's nothing wrong with your teeth.
Maybe Ms. Love was just trying to be contraversial...lord knows she does that enough.haha.
Russell and Trev still love you anyway...right?
I live in Southern California, and believe me, it's overrated. And the irony about Courtney's new teeth is even funnier; I always thought she looked better with her original teeth-there was nothing wrong with them in my humble opinion, and now she just doesn't look *unique* anymore. She looks like one of Donatella Versace's cousins. Her mouth changed her whole face. Now she simply looks slatternly and older than she is.
Hello Matt,
I've seen you on the telly myself and I cant see anything wrong with your teeth, they look alrite to me. Having said that my own teeth wouldnt be the straightest in the world, a fact that my dentist feels the need to tell me on each of my five yearly visits.So I recently asked him should I get braces and he replied "I wouldnt bother at your age". So there'd be no hope for you wotsover according to him,seems as I'm younger than you are (I think).
Anyway dont mind the americans,vanity took over that country years ago. Your wonky teeth,as you put it, are part of your uniqueness,they give you distinction. We cant all be perfect with a perfect set of delph, dat'd just be boring.
Shane mc Gowan for example.
Hello Matt,
I've seen you on the telly myself and I cant see anything wrong with your teeth, they look alrite to me. Having said that my own teeth wouldnt be the straightest in the world, a fact that my dentist feels the need to tell me on each of my five yearly visits.So I recently asked him should I get braces and he replied "I wouldnt bother at your age". So there'd be no hope for you wotsoever according to him,seems as I'm younger than you are (I think).
Anyway dont mind the americans,vanity took over that country years ago. Your wonky teeth,as you put it, are part of your uniqueness,they give you distinction. We cant all be perfect with a perfect set of delph, dat'd just be boring.
Shane mc Gowan for example.
hey!
wow i loved that show, was vair funny, and i got to listen to it as a part of my english coursework!
don't you just love it? :P
how ace is my english tutor?!
hehe
yeah i reckon you should just be happy with what you've got, you can't change it unless you're a rich bitch anyways... not me then lol.
well i've got to be off now, will listen in again next week
j
xxx
Everyone is wrong about cats. The "padding" thing they do with their paws (on owners, cushions, soft furry things or clean laundry) before settling down for a nap is actually indicative of a deep seeded desire to own a vinyard and produce their own wine. This all stems from the years when cats were used as cheap labour - back in the years before children or migrant workers existed. Why, back then, 14 cats and a handful of grapes would keep Louis the fourteenth in fine bordeaux for the best part of a year (Which, as we all know, is February 30th) .
People often mistake this padding as kitten-like reminiscence of getting the dam Queen to produce milk. What we do not realise is, that while this makes perfect sense to us, it isn't what happens at all.
When the kittens pad on the Queen, she relates the story of the Ginger Tom who came down from the mountains and led the revolution which freed the catlings from their grape treading servitude. As he sliced and diced with King Louis' men, Tom cried out
"One day we cats will drink the juice of the fermented grape we make, until of course, such time that we would doze in the restless sleep of the inebriated!"
Now all kittens learn to "tread grapes" at a young age in remembrance of those that died in those horrible conditions; whilst also remembering the sworn pledge that they will one day drink the red (or clear (surely "white" is milk?) , or rose) and party like French Kings.
That all said, it is a well known fact (that someone made up and I choose to believe) that animals can smell cancer and other rather undesirable ailments. Although usually they convey this by curiously creeping up on the affected area, sniffing it, making a strange "cat face" (often called "stupid face" by owners, the fools!) before falling off the couch and performing the dying fly; as previously seen in the heyday of independent television, circa Saturday Mornings, 1976.
Now there's not much I can add to the discussion everyone is having about teeth and appearance; of course that doesn't usually stop me, but I'll brief (in a non-frilly pair of underpants kind of way. No. Wait. That came out wrong...) with all people there is problem with our perception of ourselves, some of us have big egos, and others of us have to be reasurred that "it's what you do with it that counts".
In the good old days (March , 803 BC) you couldn't go "I don't like my nose, I'd like yours instead" then lop off your neighbours nostrils with your broadsword and nail them onto your face. It just wouldn't work. You made do with what you had, and smashed the faces of those prettier than yourself as it made you feel better. Although that's a bit off the point and hardly reflective of today's society.
Really, it's what is inside that counts, okay if it comes in a nice presentation pack in MINT or better condition then it's all woo-hoo and la-de-dah; but fæces in a box are still fæces in a box, regardless of how pretty the packaging may be.
M.