Literally! Social media parodies: Video playlist

Host: Mother.
Momager.
Maverick.
GRITTY MUSIC
Mrs Bennet.
She’s flipping the script
on the Hertfordshire marriage market.
Within one year,
her unconventional methods
have turned the entire industry
on its head.
You could say,
the business of her life
was to get her daughters married.
Mrs Bennet: When it comes to marriage,
I get results.
I mean, the numbers,
they speak for themselves.
Mr Darcy,
10,000.
Mr Bingley,
5,000.
Host: And Wickham?
Mrs Bennet: He’s…
very charming.
Host: Your methods have been called
“unconventional”.
Mrs Bennet: Look, I’m a disruptor.
And not everyone likes it.
But I’m not here to be liked,
I’m here for my daughters to be liked
by rich men.
Unrelated…
are you single?
I’ve got two lovely daughters left.
Girls, girls.
Host: You… No, I’m actually…
Mrs Bennet: Would you?
Host: No.
Just have a look.
I have pioneered a three-step methodology
which has completely transformed
the marriage market
in rural Hertfordshire.
One day, I asked myself,
what if
all of our assumptions
about the way we raise girls for marriage
are wrong?
Host: Okay. So I have a daughter,
what do I do first?
Hire a governess?
Mrs Bennet: And there it is.
You’ve fallen at the first hurdle, dear.
Step one.
You keep your daughters
stupid and useless,
otherwise they end up like Lizzie.
Little Miss Independent.
And accomplishments,
totally overrated.
Host: Uh, doesn’t Mary play the piano?
Yeah, and look where that got her.
Face like an egg.
But a lovely egg.
Do you like eggs?
Host: Many would say that there are skills
which girls may need.
Mrs Bennet: Listen, that’s actually
a very limiting belief.
I don’t want my girls to think like that.
Ideally, I don’t want them
to think at all.
Lizzie is a lost cause.
She’s a headstrong, foolish girl
and does not know her own interest.
Host: Uh, but surely women’s education,
as a woman, you know,
should be at the forefront of…
Mrs Bennet: Listen, listen, listen.
My dear,
I see mothers all the time.
And look not to name names, but…
Lady Lucas.
Raising daughters who can run a household?
You’ve gotta think bigger.
My daughters are brought up differently.
They won’t end up in the kitchen,
they don’t know where the kitchen is.
Why bother teaching them to work
when they won’t work a day in their life?
Ideally.
Host: Uh, and step two?
Mrs Bennet: Flood the market with girls.
My girls.
Host: So not one by one?
Mrs Bennet: No, no, no.
This is where people are going wrong.
Usually, you wait
for the eldest to be married
before you launch the others
into society, but no, that leads to a backlog. I brought my five daughters out all at once.
I mean, that’s a product launch.
No one else is doing this
in Hertfordshire.
Host: Some people did seem confused
by that strategy, though.
Lady Catherine, Darcy’s rich aunt,
called it…
“very odd”.
Mrs Bennet: And how’s her daughter doing?
Still single.
It’s all about brand awareness,
which brings me to my third point.
Exposure.
Which, in Jane’s case,
means directly to the elements.
Host: This was controversial.
Mrs Bennet: It was controversial.
Host: Talk us through what happened.
Mrs Bennet: So, Jane was going to visit Miss Bingley,
but the real target audience
was her rich brother, Mr Bingley.
And I said to Jane,
“You’d better go on horseback,
because it seems likely to rain.”
Next thing we know,
she’s struck down with a fever,
stuck at Netherfield
directly under his nose.
I mean, talk about product placement.
Host: Speaking of, protein shake?
Mrs Bennet: Oh, please.
Voiceover: Brought to you by Gains Gravy.
It’s chicken you can drink.
Host: So what went wrong?
You thought you had two marriages
in the bag,
in fact, you told everyone you did.
Mrs Bennet: Well, fake it till you make it.
Host: So remind me, that’s…?
Mrs Bennet: So that’s Jane and Mr Bingley,
Lizzie and Mr Collins.
I mean, the man and the match
were quite good enough for her.
And Mr Collins is, of course,
the man who will inherit our estate
when my husband dies, for some reason.
Host: And then disaster.
Lizzie turns him down,
that’s a real setback.
I mean, correct me if I’m wrong,
but that left an opening
for a hostile takeover.
Mrs Bennet: Enter Charlotte Lucas.
Host: Ah, the daughter of your rival.
Mrs Bennet: Sorry, it’s very hard to think
that Charlotte Lucas
should ever be mistress of this house.
Mrs Bennet: So there I was…
five single daughters,
potentially no home,
no income and nothing to brag
to my neighbours about.
Oh!
Mary, that’s enough!
Bad egg!
Oh, you have no compassion for my nerves.
Host: Let’s get into your nerves.
Mrs Bennet: I get spasms in my side,
and pains in my head,
and such beatings at my heart,
I can get no rest by night nor day.
I mean, thank God I didn’t overreact.
I simply said to Lizzie,
“I should never speak to you again.”
Host: But Lydia eloping with Wickham surely,
surely that’s a major PR crisis?
Mrs Bennet: PR crisis?
Host: I mean, Mr Collins wrote,
“The death of your daughter would have
been a blessing in comparison.”
Mrs Bennet: Look, I’d hardly call it a PR crisis
when it makes it into The Times.
It’s about staying relevant, yeah.
Which brings me to the real coup.
Lizzie and Darcy.
Such a charming man, so handsome, so tall.
Ten thousand a year.
Host: Can you take any responsibility
for that, though?
Mrs Bennet: Look, if I hadn’t “failed”
to raise Lydia “properly”,
then she would never have eloped
with Wickham,
and Darcy would never have
paid off Wickham’s debts
and forced Wickham to marry Lydia,
and Lizzie would never have changed
her mind about Darcy’s proposal.
It’s all about long-term goals, you see.
Host: Was that your plan all along?
Mrs Bennet: No, I had no idea it was happening.
Host: Incredible.
I mean, it’s so impressive
what you’ve been able to achieve.
I mean, what are you pitching next?
Mrs Bennet: Okay, hear me out.
My second youngest daughter…
…Kitty.
Not now, Mary, you’ve missed your chance.
Kitty.