HANDS FREE HELL! I am the most law-abiding person you will ever meet. My only encounters with the police have been - in no particular order: a) the time I playfully ran out to a police car that happened to be passing a restaurant where I was celebrating a birthday and kissed the driver and was playfully (if slightly worryingly) handcuffed to his wing mirror b) when I playfully kissed a policeman one New Year's Eve. Yes there is a definite theme and yet I married a firefighter - better kissers! Anyway, the point is that as such a law-abiding person I was extremely keen to legalise my mobile phone when the new law about using it in the car was passed. I'm not a heavy user in the car, mainly because I use the train to work. But when I'm in the car it always seems to ring. I think this is because family and friends know I will ignore it on the train for fear of being one of those "I'M ON THE TRAIN" idiots. Ashamed
So, being unusually organised, I contacted my over-priced network provider to sort the matter out. Ashamed of my mobile? Not really, but my two year old son was, so I agreed to a snazzy new handset. Before I could get the words "what about a hands free kit" out I was treated to a hard sell about these devices that scared me so much I started to worry if it was OK to use a phone in a non-moving office!  Before I could get the words "what about a hands free kit" out I was treated to a hard sell about these devices that scared me so much I started to worry if it was OK to use a phone in a non-moving office! | Julia Hames |
I settled on the £30 kit turning down the £150 kit because it seemed a bit over the top, and the nice salesman assured me that what I was buying was just as good and, most crucially, just as legal. Exciting
With huge excitement I unwrapped the box the next day. Eventually I figured out which bit was the telephone, and then after some experimentation managed to figure out the headphones. These are very useful but ILLEGAL in the car as of next month. So I decided to use them to listen to the radio on my phone while I was on the train. I saved the exciting hands free kit for my husband to figure out and install. It looked a bit complicated to me, and I carried it round all day with the care normally afforded to an unexploded bomb. Doug said the kit was "a bit basic" but as he pulled the 10,000 wires from the box he looked quite impressed. I was encouraged that I had done the 'right thing'. He worries about my driving at the best of times and would welcome any contraption that would make me safer. He sauntered out to the car to install it, dismissing the instructions in that cavalier way that men have sometimes, and didn't come back! Spookily, his absence coincided with nuisance calls on our home phone. When I heard him swearing down our phone I made the connection and realized he'd been missing for an hour. I went outside to see if I could help at all and gasped. Muttering
My car seemed to have become a sprawling mass of black wires, and a large protuberance was sticking out of the cigarette lighter. Something else was poking out of the air vent, and my husband was muttering something about where to stick the microphone. I didn't hang around in case my presence gave him inspiration and shot back inside waiting for news. Eventually he got it working, and I stood about three feet from the car on our home phone while he barked into the hands free kit with my mobile. It worked! | I grabbed my illegal headphones and yanked the mobile out of its cradle. Why do they call it that? Cradle suggests something soft and innocent, not a life threatening piece of black plastic! | Julia Hames |
Highly excited, I threw him out of the car and installed myself in the driver's seat to have a go. Who to call? Why not my husband's mobile? As he was standing next to me when he answered my call with the car door wide open it was difficult to tell if it was working or not. Two hours had passed by now. We decided it was fine. Fumbled
The next day I rushed to the car after alighting my train at Watford full of anticipation at using my new kit. However the finer points of how to operate it had deserted me so I fumbled around for about 20 minutes before I could set off. Annoyed that no one was calling me I decided to call my mother. At the same moment I tried to dial her number I realised that I had forgotten to put my headlights on and that I had what appeared to be police outriders all around me. Had Cellnet tipped them off? There were two behind me and one in front. I was getting tense. Predictably it all went horribly wrong. Some crucial connection was missing and as I bawled into the phone I could hear my Mother yelling "Who is that? Go away! Go Away!" but I couldn't make her hear me. So, worried that I had frightened her I decided to call her using the headphones and ditch the hands free kit. And I didn't even want to speak to her! Just wanted to use my new toy! Aggh! I grabbed my illegal headphones and yanked the mobile out of its cradle. Why do they call it that? Cradle suggests something soft and innocent, not a life threatening piece of black plastic! Weird
The police were still tailing me, but I was much more concerned about my mother who had probably phoned them anyway because of the weird call she'd had. I decided to take my chances. | Somewhere between the church and the dry cleaners, I gulped some air, let go of the wheel and managed to disentangle myself from the mobile wire hell I was stuck in. | Julia Hames |
I fumbled around for ages. Unfortunately, as I cruised down St Albans Road, I got the headphones tangled up with my office security tag that dangles round my neck. It was getting rather tight around my neck, and I began to panic. The more I panicked the tighter it became and I started to think how unfair it was that I might be strangled by my own headphones just because the hands free kit wasn't working properly. Somewhere between the church and the dry cleaners, I gulped some air, let go of the wheel (swerving just enough to scare myself but miraculously my police escort didn't notice) and managed to disentangle myself from the mobile wire hell I was stuck in. Relief
The relief was indescribable. Glad to be alive I postponed giving up smoking and lunged for the cigarette lighter. But of course it wasn't there anymore, it had been replaced by a larger bulbous attachment that now filled the entire dashboard. By now I was getting very cross. This hands free thing had nearly cost me my life, twice if you count the headlights being off, and now it was encroaching on my human right to light up. 'Cross' soon led to 'defiant' so I decided to reach over to my handbag to get my lighter. Unfortunately the bag had fallen into the passenger footwell during my struggle to release myself from the deathgrip, and I very nearly drove into a lamppost reaching over to retrieve it. Defeated I pulled over and ripped out the hands free kit. I put my lighter back where it should be, and switched the mobile off. Fiddley
As I reflected on my journey I realised that mobile phones in cars are very dangerous things. Period. And a hands free kit just makes them even more dangerous, especially as it made me want to smoke! Seriously though, it's fiddley dialing the number, it's fiddley answering it, and it's extremely fiddley talking into a mike that's flopping around somewhere between the floor and the air freshener. | .... it's fiddley dialing the number, it's fiddley answering it, and it's extremely fiddley talking into a mike that's flopping around somewhere between the floor and the air freshener. | Julia Hames |
The good news it that I have finally got the hang of it and after two weeks of concentration and focus I am now able to use it without being too much of a hazard. The only slight problem is that in order for anyone to hear me I have to bellow at the top of my voice, which I can't help thinking defeats the whole purpose of having a mobile in the first place. Provided the recipient is in Hertfordshire they can probably hear me anyway
my advice? The best hands free kit is getting there safely and saying it in person! And if you really can't wait, go on an advanced mobile telecommunications operator's course. It's only a matter of time before they start flogging them!
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