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Keeping the Wolves from the door

The Plymouth manager gives his inimitable views on football and life in general in his weekly column.

This week he talks about great wins for Celtic and Rangers, Dida's dramatic collapse and John Gregory's sacking.

He also reveals how he holds court in training and gives views on Anne Robinson's divorce and the original Star Trek.

We got out of jail against Wolves, who ripped us to shreds in the first half. How we managed to draw 1-1, I don't know.

But the lads deserved to beat Palace and get our first home win in the league. We've actually played seven games at home, won three and drawn four, so that's not bad - although two of those wins came in the Cup.

People have been saying we're playing some decent stuff, which is nice, but we want to win. That's the very essence of footballers - when they were kids they were nasty, they wanted to win everything - even tiddlywinks.

It's no good playing a nice game and losing - it doesn't make you feel good. It's lovely what people say, but I don't like pats on the back. It's the same as punches on the chin - sometimes they can knock you out if you're not winning.

But we're back to winning ways, so onwards and upwards.

For Rangers to go to Lyon and win 3-0 was fantastic and the same for Celtic against AC Milan. Two good teams and they're neck and neck at the top of the SPL so it should be an exciting season.

Scottish football - unbelievable

Scottish football is having a bit of a renaissance. For years Alan Hansen was moaning about them having no talent coming through, and now they have, which is nice to see.

Three of my grandparents were Scottish. I've been trying to sign one of William Wallace's ancestors for years, that would be fantastic. Bloody English - I think what we were doing up there was disgusting, I'm ashamed of it.

One of my daughters has got ginger hair. All she needs is a kilt and I tell you what, if she ran down waving a mallet at you, you'd be scared stiff.

Well done to that fan because he didn't half get away sharpish. I tell you what, if Dida wants to get hold of you he's going to do some damage because he's massive, isn't he? That fan is definitely braver than I would have been.

But Dida's reaction after that was a bit stupid. What was he doing? Because the bloke didn't really hurt him, did he? He let the side down a bit there. It was pathetic, like an old silent movie, a bit of slapstick.

Quick, more dry ice

We don't want to see any of that, but then we don't want to see fans on the pitch hitting players either.

I had that a few years ago with QPR at Stoke. One bloke tried to beat up my goalie, they ended up rolling about in the net - and we ended up getting fined! I couldn't believe it.

It's madness. It's a merry-go-round in the Championship, I'm afraid, because some chairmen have got no patience.

They don't realise how tight it is in that division - Roy Keane took Sunderland from the bottom to the top last year, Iain Dowie did it a few years before that.

It's very difficult to be consistent because everybody's much of a muchness - unlike the Premier League where you can more or less predict who's going to finish in the top four already. At least our division's got a bit of interest, but the downside is that people are losing their jobs left right and centre.

I've only been gone from QPR for 16 months and they've had three different managers since then. That's stability, isn't it?

In fairness they have got a new board with some big money people coming in and they probably want their own man. John would have known that, but I thought he did a really good job to keep them up last season and I told him that.

We all go into this job waiting for the axe to fall on the back of our necks.

How's she going to find another man? Everybody's terrified of her! One look from her and you're cut to pieces so I'm not sure she's going to have too much luck.

Who fancies being my weakest link?

One of the papers said she used to get her husband to inspect hotel toilets for her to make sure they were good enough for her to use. Well she wouldn't like some of the toilets I've been in.

If she's that fussy about her toilets, God help any man she ends up with. But it's really sad for any marriage to break down after 27 years.

She's apparently been joking that she wants a younger man but I reckon I look older than her, so I'm safe!

Dicaniolover: "Ian, you must get on with some players better than others. Is it difficult to keep your emotions in check when deciding which players you pick?"

I try and form relationships with all of my players but what you can't do as a manager is pick your team because you like someone.

You can get very attached to people but I'm responsible for signing all my players, from the youth team upwards. So I keep reminding my staff that I've got no favourites, all of them are my babies and I treat them all the same. I've got four kids at home and I've got no favourites there, either.

But I have some banter with them and try to make the daily routine interesting. Last year we had the Joey Barton shorts for the worst trainer and this year we have a court case every Friday, with me as the judge.

You have to bring a case against someone and you have to have a witness. I call the witness but if they suddenly refuse to testify, the person who brought the case is automatically fined two pounds. So you can have some right stitch-ups going on.

Are you Ollie in disguise?

The other day my assistant, Tim Breacker, tried to volley a ball into the goal from two yards away and completely missed - it came off the outside corner of his foot and shot off to the left. So he got angry and tried to do it again - and did exactly the same thing!

It's what's known in the trade as a 'shank', so I called the case 'Bill', as in Shank-ly. A few lads witnessed it and we found him guilty. If he ever does it again, that fine will double.

Anyone who has three misdemeanours in one week has to do a forfeit. It happened to one lad who can't stand hair gel, so his forfeit was to travel all the way up to our game on the Friday - and then go out to dinner - covered in the stuff. We got loads of photos and he hated it.

I can have banter with the players like that, but I haven't got any favourites. It's impossible. In life you get on with some people and don't get on with others but in football it's all about what's best for the team.

Green Matbor: "Hey Ollie, I sat behind you at the Wolves game and noticed the sheets with the substitute details are delivered by (goalkeeping coach) Geoff Crudgington and not you. Why is this? Is it because Geoff is a lot bigger than you and more imposing?"

Ha ha! No it's because he's got to do something. The last thing I want to worry about is where the cards are and have to start filling them out.

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All I do is tell him the numbers, let him deal with it and carry on watching the game. I'm very imposing - I'm only a little bloke but by God you wouldn't want to get me angry.

Cokniodicanio: "Mate, credit to you and your team at Upton Park last Wednesday. Neat, tidy, incisive and with a good tempo - it was a pleasure to watch. Your midfield bossed the show from start to finish. If you get promoted you'd be a welcome addition to the Premiership. Oh, and I loved the robotics!"

That's very nice, particularly coming from someone who supports West Ham where they've got a great footballing tradition.

We worked very hard. They passed it and moved it, and every time one of their players received the ball, we put them under pressure, which doesn't happen in the Premier League.

Yap, yap, bunny, jabber

It almost got us something and when Dean Ashton scored that quality goal in the last minute it was like we'd had our heart ripped out and stamped on.

The robotics he's talking about happened when one of their fans was giving me a bit of stick. He called me 'baldy'. Can you believe that? That's so original, isn't it?

So I went back at him saying: "Have we got Chas and Dave in the ground? Bit of bunny, bit of rabbit, you've got more front than Sainsbury's, mate!"

Then I did a bit of the old robotic dancing and he shut up completely. At Millwall they carry on regardless, but this bloke never said another word and the people around him were laughing and "Well done, son!" to me.

Hosethedaddy: "Which is your favourite Thunderbird vehicle and why?"

I was never into Thunderbirds - sorry, mate. That's shut him up, hasn't it?

I was actually into Star Trek. Scotty was my favourite - "She's gonna blow, she's gonna blow, Captain!"

More than a woman

I thought Spock was different class as well - and Chekov. "Hey Cip-tin, Ciptin Kirk." It made him sound like an old bed - I've just kipped in Kirk.

And Lieutenant Uhuru was something else, to be fair. I had a massive crush on her when I was little - I think we all did. She was built to last!"
Ian Holloway was talking to Chris Charles.