By Chris Charles

Take me back to dear old Blighty

"I feel OK. The only difference is in training you have the press - and they want to come back home and sleep with you. They are just always there."
Barcelona striker Thierry Henry on his intimate relationship with the Spanish hacks.

"I would have choked him! They are fine now...I think.''
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on the handbags between Gabriel Agbonlahor and Marlon Harewood during the Everton game, after Agbonlahor chose not to pass to his strike partner.

"It doesn't matter whether it's cricket, rugby union, rugby league - we all hate England.''
Australian rugby union chief executive John O'Neill shows his tactful side when asked about their World Cup quarter-final opponents.

"I was just awful. I didn't contribute anything. I've been bigging myself up, saying I'm ready and obviously I'm not. I'm honest with myself in every performance and that was rubbish - I looked like a pub team player."
Curtis Davies on his proposed move from Villa to the Dog and Duck.

"The tee box on the ninth was safe, I think. I don't want to be handing out too many more bottles of nice red wine to the European Tour staff for their Christmas party!"
Ian Poulter, fined twice this season for smashing tee markers in frustration, declines to make another contribution to the kitty at The Belfry.

"Whoever does the surgery cannot say whether he needs a hernia or not until they have seen him, unless they are magic and they can see over here from Germany and peer into his stomach.''
Sam Allardyce scoffs at reports Michael Owen was set for hernia surgery - before seeing a specialist.

Never see 'em in the same room

"If we're talking lookalikes he's Toad of Toad Hall, isn't he?"
Ian Holloway finds a lookie-likey for Avram Grant in his BBC Column.

"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."
Holloway on punk.

"The All Blacks are a myth. We need to demystify all this. We're not going to the abattoir."
France coach Bernard Laporte ahead of their World Cup quarter-final with New Zealand.

"Not sure what Mr Gold is after other than publicity. When you get down in the mud and wrestle with a pig, the pig loves it...and you get muddy."
Aston Villa director Charles Krulak is pig-sick at Birmingham chairman David Gold's call to cut ticket prices by 20%.

"My first thought was 'jeez, don't be a sook; there's no use crying about it, man, it's over'.''
Ex-New Zealand captain Tana Umaga poo-poos Brian O'Driscoll's reaction to the infamous spear tackle that ended his Lions tour two years ago.

"It was like kissing your sister - and no-one wants that to happen."
Canada coach Ric Suggitt keeps it in the family to describe his side's 12-12 draw with Japan in the Rugby World Cup. Answers on a postcard.

"Not Chelsea or Milan. I want to stay with Barcelona - that is my wish, that is the wish of Ronaldinho."
Ronaldinho proving that even the world's best footballer talks about himself in the third person.(Simon Griffin, UK).

"Any team can beat any other in this league and just to prove it there were seven draws yesterday."
The genius that is Don Goodman commentating during the West Brom v QPR game. (David Powell, Ireland).

If you're happy and you know it...

"I'm not someone to fear things. They say in Holland 'have no fear, Jolly is here'!"
Martin Jol manages to laugh things off. (Dave Finch, England).

"I think there was just a little change today and I started to smell that things were improving a little bit."
David Moyes's post-match comments after Everton's win over Middlesbrough. Is he Mourinho in disguise?(Balaan Singh, India).

"It gets a bit sweet after the seventh bottle."
Former All Black Murray Mexted commenting on the wine which shares the same name as Portugal twins Diego and David Matteus. (Phil, England).

"I don't miss that nut-wrenching feeling you get on a Saturday morning before a match."
Neil Warnock on MOTD2 when asked if he was missing being a manager. (Paul Laycock, Ireland).

"It's just typical that when nothing's going your way, all your chances fall to Salomon Kalou."
Harsh words from Mark Lawrenson. Still, could be worse - they could fall to Shevchenko. (Rob, England).

"Oooh no. That's just rude!"
James Allen as Kubica knocks Hamilton off the track in Japan. (Leila M, UK).

"The fans certainly didn't expect to see 10 goals scored."
BBC commentator on the Portsmouth-Reading game. Surely 7-4 equals 11 goals?! (Rachel Hooper, England).

"I'm running out of fingers."
Sky Sports reporter Ian Darke as the 11th goal goes in at Fratton Park...just how many fingers does Ian have? (David Tayler, Norwich).

No flies on Rafa

"I've learned that you have to score goals to win games."
Rafa Benitez after being asked what he'd learned from the Reading-Liverpool game. (Ross Douglas, Scotland).

Interviewer: "Avram, a good team performance and 4-0, it couldn't have gone any better for you could it?"
Grant: "Well, it could have been five!"
Avram Grant is the 'Witty One'.(George Quin, England).

"Come the end of the season we are very confident we will pick up the necessary wins to keep us where we are."
Derby's Billy Davies is optimistic about his team staying bottom of the table. (Alan MacLean, United Kingdom).

"At the end of the day, he scored three goals. Other than that, I kept him pretty quiet."
Reading defender Michael Duberry on Fernando Torres. And no, he wasn't being ironic. (Steffan John, Cardiff).

Eamonn Dunphy: "Look back at the Liverpool of old, the team that Graeme played for...Graeme's won four Champions League titles."
Graeme Souness: "Actually, three, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "He's won four English league titles, then!"
Graeme: "Five, Eamonn."
Eamonn: "Whatever! It's not bloody Mastermind!!"
Eamonn Dunphy and Graeme Souness indulge in a bit of banter on RTE. (Token Singh, Scotland).

"A man down, they have everything to play for."
BBC pundit Mark Bright is not writing off the American ladies, especially when they've got some blokes playing for them. (Adrian Cooper, Bristol).

May the force be with you

"But other than that, she's had safe hands, Solo..."
The commentator in the England-USA game. Hilariously his co-commentator seemed completely oblivious to the blatant Star Wars reference! (Matthew Clark, UK).

"Keeper Richard Kingson went off groggier than a young tennis starlet after a night on the razz."
Charlie Henderson's summary of the Birmingham keeper's injury on the BBC website. (Paul Gorrie, England).

"Ian Taylor needs to go into the back four."
Steve Claridge at the Premier League All Stars match between Villa and Sunderland - a SIX-A-SIDE tournament! (David Bedlow, England).

"It's definitely a case of a Spaniard in the works for Reading."
The commentator after Fernando Torres scored his hat-trick goal against Reading.(Adrian Doolan, Ireland).

"It's been an 'annus horribilis' week for Chelsea."
TV commentator during Man Utd v Chelsea.(Russell, Australia).

"Fernando Torres...he kills defenders."
Rafa Benitez after the Reading game, talking about his 'lethal' striker! (Dan, Wigan).

Interfere? Moi?

"Here is the official pronunciation of Chelsea's new manager. It is Avram-ovitch."
BBC commentator on 5live before the Man Utd-Chelsea game. (Kevin Holland, Norway).

"0-0 at the Emirates - or Dubai-bury as my Arsenal friend calls it."
5live commentator during Arsenal v Newcastle.(Mariam, England).

"He's clearly not the player we saw playing for Inter Milan a few years ago."
Alan Shearer on Andriy Shevchenko...that's because he played for AC Milan! (Tisaru, England).

"We want Mourinho!"
Mansfield supporters after going 1-0 down at Accrington Stanley. (Josh, Mansfield).

"Happy Birthday to you!"
Aston Villa fans after Tottenham went 4-1 down to Villa on their 125th anniversary. " (Josh, Chorleywood).

"Easy, Easy!"
Reading fans show some gallows humour as they reduce the deficit to 7-4 against Pompey.(Bruce, London).

"Wenger's the special one."
Arsenal supporters against Newcastle in the Carling Cup. (Becca, UK).

Derby fans: "England, England, England!"
Arsenal fans: "Are you Scotland in disguise!"
Banter during Arsenal's 5-0 win. (David Bedlow, England).

Come on you Springboks!

"You've got Y-fronts on your flag!"
England rugby fans to the South African fans. (Chris Jackson, England).

"You are my Kandol, my Tresor Kandol,
You signed from Barnet, on deadline day,
We did not notice that you could score goals,
Until that day at Tranmere away."
Leeds fans to their new hero (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine). (Sealy, England).

"Your ground's too big for you!"
Charlton fans singing to Coventry about the fact the ground was half-empty. (Marc Deruelle, UK).

"Who are ya?"
Sung by Coventry's large travelling support to United's second-string team in the Carling Cup. (Geoff Taylor, UK).

"We buy your misfits."
West Ham fans to Newcastle supporters. (Warren, England).

"What time's your minibus?"
Spurs fans to the handful of Boro supporters who came to the match. (James Maine, Chelmsford).

"Shoes off if you love Morecambe!"
Sung by most of the Morecambe fans while holding shoes aloft at Sheffield Utd v Morecambe in the Carling Cup. Soon followed by "Shoe are ya?" (Leanne Sunter, England).

"You're Getting Sacked in the Morning."
West Brom fans to John Gregory after they beat QPR 5-1. That's John Gregory who was...sacked in the morning. (James, UK).