First Test, Lord's (day three):
England 377 and 32-0 bt West Indies 152 and 256 by 10 wickets
England secured their first Test win in nine months with a 10-wicket thumping over West Indies at Lord's. Needing just 32 runs for victory after dismissing the West Indies for 256, England wrapped up the match after 6.1 overs inside three days. The tourists had a 143-run stand between Brendan Nash (81) and Denesh Ramdin (61) to thank to take them past England's first innings score of 377. Stuart Broad (3-64) and Graeme Swann (3-39) were England's best bowlers. LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES BST)  | 606: DEBATE |
e-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Tom Fordyce' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606 . (Not all contributions can be used) ENGLAND WIN BY 10 WICKETS 1806: Eng 32-0
Crackeroo - full and wide from Edwards, and Strauss slaps it to the extra cover fence for the four that wins the match. Roars from the grandstands, and Strauss beams happily as Cook comes down the pitch to shake gloves. Comprehensive win for England - their first Test win since August last year, and the ideal start to this Ashes summer. Hats off for the email chat - apologies if I couldn't use yours. No reflection on the quality, merely the quantity. Like a biblical deluge, it was. This from Strauss before we go: "The guys stood up when they needed to. The bowlers got stuck in and they worked hard. I'm delighted with our performance and very happy to win." See you next Thurs morning for the start of Test II from the Riverside... 1803: Eng 28-0
There we go - short and harmless from Taylor, and Cook will have them all day - he leans back and crashes it through square leg for four. A fuller one then gets pushed back past the non-striker for four more - followed by a repeat for two more. Four needed... From Anthony Milner, TMS inbox: "Ark Cricket - giraffe at long leg, hyena at silly mid on & tortoise or daschund at short leg?" 1758: Eng 18-0
Cook, the brow of his helmet low over his eyes in the manner of Fred, pushes his hands at Fidel's sliders. Struggling a bit with his technique, Cookie - he's edging further and further back into his crease. That's a little better - a push through cover for two. 14 needed. 1753: Eng 14-0
Short-armed pull from Strauss for two. The skipper aims a cut at a slower one and misses before a ripper slid across him leaves him groping like a man dressing in the dark. 1745: Eng 12-0
Fidel again, zipping in with cartoon menace as the shadows lengthen. Strauss creams a drive back down the ground, only for the ball to clatter into the non-striker's stumps and roll run-free. A rapid bouncer is called a no-ball, a short one jabbed into the covers and two more singles taken as Edwards keeps it spicy. 20 needed. From Neil Bizley, TMS inbox: "Ark Cricket - penguins would be great leg spinners with the flipper as their key variation ball." 1741: Eng 7-0
Jerome Taylor canters in - over-pitched, and Strauss belts that to the cover fence. Roars from the sozzled sections. From Ant Myers, TMS inbox: "Technically weather on the ark should have been pretty good for cricket. There was only 40 days and night of rain, after there was about a year of glorious sunshine to get rid of the water before Noah escaped the Ark." 1735: Eng 2-0
Fidel to start us off, and England have entered into the spirit of the occasion and gone for an opening pair of Swann and Broad. As if - it's Strauss and Cook. Shame, really. Fidel pings in and bounces Strauss, who chuckles with patrician amusement after swaying from the line. on the England balcony, a shot of a bored-looking Kevin Pietersen. That's only the second time he's been mentioned all day - a new record by some margin. WEST INDIES SECOND INNINGS 1722: WICKET Nash c Cook b Broad 81, WI 256 all out
Short one from Broad, slap upwards from Nash, and Cook keeps his eyes in the prize to bag a swirler on the fence at deep backward point. England need 32 to win, with the weather set fair. Surely... From Dave Rudd, TMS inbox: "Just come into this late due to work - deck cricket on the Ark? Wouldn't rain have stopped play?" 1720: WI 256-9
Swann floats a tempter into Baker's eyeline but the tail-ender stays watchful. Does he heck - that mow could been seen from space. He misses. 1716: WI 255-9
Nash dabs Broad into the covers and dashes for one. Baker, four slips awaiting, fends a short one behind square and hares through for two. Broad slides one past his outside edge and then does the same again. Cheers from the crowd as a half-deflated silver balloon drifts across the outfield and eludes two leaden-footed stewards. 1713: WI 252-9
Swann to Nash - paddled single. Four men round the bat for Baker, but he slants his bat forward, loosens his grip and deads the ball away. Lead to 27. 1710: WI 251-9
Howls from all corners as a succession of short brutes from Broad thud into Baker's gloves and just fall safe. Broad switches to round the wicket and Baker jabs with wide eyes down into the ground and into the slips. From Annabel Mason, TMS inbox: "Do you think on the Ark when playing cricket they had a real-life duck that walked across the 'pitch' as and when required?" 1706: WI 250-9
Nash to 77 with a stroked drive to deep extra cover. Swann now has two balls at Baker - turn and bounce from the first but left alone, ell bee yell to the second - turned down because of the woody noise that thunked simultaneously with pad. From Phil Chanin, TMS inbox: "How long have elephants & hippos been in Unison? I always thought they were in GMB." 1657: WICKET - Edwards c Bresnan b Broad 2, WI 249-9
Ooo-wer - Nash pokes with feet nailed at Broad and gets a rapid edge down to third man. Fidel now on strike, and there's nothing revolutionary about that - an old-fashioned bouncer to the tail-ender that nearly Castroates him. Same treatment again next ball - a lifter at the throat, and Fidel can only fend it to gully where Brezza takes a fine tumbling snagger to his left. 1652: WICKET Benn b Swann 0, WI 248-8
And another! Swanny's foxed him completely, sending a flatter one in one the arm and sliding it under Sulieman's sorry slap. Lead of 21, just Fiddy Edwards and the smooth soul sound of Lionel Baker to come. From Laurens Rogier, TMS inbox: "Since rhinos do not float and cannot swim, I wonder how big the life jackets on board of Noah's Arch would have been. I think it must have scared the poor rhinos quite a lot once the elephants and hippos agreed to run from port to starboard railings in unison, just for the fun of it." 1646: WI 246-7
Broad steams in at new man Sulieman Benn, who's at least had time to get dressed properly this time. That's a frightening lifter first off, and the long-limbed unit waves out of the way like a sapling in a storm. Broad tries another - called as a no-ball. Four slips in now, and Benn does the old leave-alone dance at pace. 1642: WICKET Taylor lbw Swann 15, WI 243-7
Biggup reth'pect to Pran. And guess what? The change does the trick - I've barely slidded back into my seat when Taylor aims a mighty heave-ho at a Swanny drifter, is beaten all ends up in the flight and trapped bang in front. The lead is just 18 - surely the end is nigh, no? 1640: WI 237-6
Stuart Broad takes up the slack from the Pavilion End and immediately sniffs the edge of Taylor's bat, although the fast bowler's riposte is a joy to watch - he jumps on to his tippy-toes and caresses a dreamy back-foot drive through the covers towards the boundary, where Kaypee dives to prevent a fourth run. The last ball of the over is spanked over Broad's head for four. Lusty strike - batter up as our cousins across the pond might say. Back to Sir Tom of Fordyceshire. I bid you adieu. 1634: WI 230-6
Graeme Swann opens up from the Nursery End and his third ball is scythed through midwicket for a single by Jerome Taylor, a stroke so ugly it could curdle yoghurt, let alone milk. That single means England will have to bat again. Nash addresses the aesthetic imbalance with a lovely on drive for four. 1629: Umpires Asoka de Silva and Tom Henning Ovre...I mean Steve Davis wander out on to the immaculate Lord's turf, closely followed by 13 men dressed in white, two of them carrying strategically carved bits of wood in their hands. Matt, TMS inbox: "Just wanted to say happy Motorhead day. 'The 8th of May, the 8th of May.' "I've heard of this flu before. As in Swann flu over the Cuckoo's nest."
Butch, Didcot, text 81111 Don't forget TMS for some teatime entertainment - or alternatively indulge in some caption fun.
Photo caption joy BBC Sport's Oliver Brett at Lord's
"Scenes of unbridled excitement in the media centre as it's just been announced that the West Indies wives and girlfriends are about to arrive up here for a quick tour during the tea interval." Mark Airey, Rochdale, TMS inbox
"Had a huge wait in Phnom Penge (see 1525) airport last time I was there - had to survive purely on packets of Angkor Wotsits." TEA: WEST INDIES 225-6 1610: WI 225-6
Nasty bouncer from Broad, who thumps Jerome Taylor, playing a hopeless hook, flush on the helmet, which loops into the hands of Kevin Pietersen at third slip. The England players celebrate, but Asoka de Silva signals one bouncer for the over, indicating there was no willow involved. Stuart Broad needs to be careful with his appealing, he didn't look back at the umpire until he was past the batsmen. Taylor summons for a new helmet and his next delivery spits viciously off a length and flies past where a short leg would have gulped a regulation catch. Time for cha. See you in 20. 1604: WI 224-6
They're sniffing something here, England look a completely different team after Ramdin's dismissal. Swann is suddenly whooping after every delivery, as if he was about a millimetre away from adding a seventh wicket. Which he wasn't. Maiden over. 1559: WICKET Ramdin b Broad 61, WI 222-6
Nash thumps another long-hop through point for a boundary off Broad, but success! Broad gets one to nip back off the seam to find the gap between Ramdin's bat and back pad, ending a 143-run sixth-wicket partnership. Out comes Jerome "I've gotta Test ton dontchya know" Taylor. WI 224-6 Neil, South Yorkshire, TMS inbox
"Sorry to hear you are ill, Tom.... assuming Pranav means it in the health sense rather than in the street slang sense? You haven't got Swann Flu have you?"
1554: WI 217-5
Double change as Graeme Swann comes back for a twirl, but his presence has little effect on the Windies duo, nurdle, prod and dab with vigour. Swanny looks likea man who has just seen his prized Les Paul cutaway guitar turned into firewood. 1551: WI 209-5
A quick change of your ship's captain as Tommy F, quite possibly the illest man I have sat next to on a Friday in May in 2009, takes a well-earned snooze on his keyboard. Brendan Nash - that man is like Cornflake remnants stuck to a breakfast bowl left out a little too long in the kitchen - just impossible to remove. Nash effortlessly transfers his weight on to his front foot and eases the recalled Stuart Broad through the covers for 11th boundary before following that up with his 12th - belting a rank long-hop outside off stump through backward point. Bit subdued around Lord's, like someone's just announced they've run out of the budget cava option. 1544: WI 201-5
Ramdin's enjoying this now. He drives with grace and power back down the ground for four and then thick-edges through the vacant third slip slot for four more. Consternation on English faces. 1540: WI 193-5
And there's Nash's half-ton too, brought up with a cavalier cover drive off Swann for a four that no-one bothers chasing. Still half an hour to go till tea, after that hour we lost to rain at the start of play, and not even a sniff of a breakthrough for England. From David Bridge, TMS inbox: "On Ark Karaoke - 'Just The Two Of Us' was quite popular." 1535: WI 189-5
Swann twirls unproductively before Onions returns - just two slips in now, with mid-on, square leg and fine leg for Nash. There's a dasher of a single and then Ramdin cuts high over point for his 11th four - that's his 50, too. Windies now just 36 runs behind... From Andy Johns, TMS inbox: "Ark deck cricket would certainly need strong umpires. With their assured demeanour and unassuming gravitas, I can see badgers performing well here, providing they weren't tempted away from their position with some milk soaked bread." 1530: WI 183-5
Hmm. This session hasn't quite worked out how England expected. Ramdin drives a full one from Onions down the ground, clouts a short one through point for four to bring up the 100 partnership and then watches Matt Prior fail to hold one down leg - four byes. In the middle, Ramdin pokes a leading edge back down the track, only for Onions to miss the chance entirely. Groans and hands on heads all around. 1525: WI 171-5
Swann to Nash, and a quicker one down leg is tucked away fine for four more. In the stands, a glimpse of England rugby supremo Rob Andrew. I've used the word 'supremo' in lieu of an actual job description. And is that actor Richard Wilson behind those shades or Greg Dyke? Or the bloke in Nuts In May with Allison Steadman? From James Cameron, TMS inbox: "Café Khmer Rouge? Is that the one that sells Pol Pot Noodles?" 1520: WI 167-5
Onions again, and he's pushed a fly slip back for Nash, obviously hoping for another of those uppish cuts. Instead he gets one of the more common square cuts, all the way to the cover fence. From Richard King, TMS inbox: "I heard that karaoke was a big ark favourite too. The highlight was when the monkeys and the beetles got together and produced a rip-roaring version of 'I will survive'. Sadly the evening ended a bit early when someone piped up with 'Three Lions' which was considered in bad taste." 1515: WI 160-5
Swann goes over the wicket to Ramdin in an over devoid of drama, thrill or note. From Kevin in Ottowa, TMS inbox: "Unfortunately, the platypus race never even got started, as one of the participants was struck by lightning - he got the first electric bill in history." 1512: WI 159-5
What else has Strauss got up his buttoned-down sleeves? Onions, that's what, and he nearly has his reward first ball as an outside edge from Ramdin flies just short of gully - streaky four. Ramdin takes a breath and hammers the next one through the covers - shot of the day, and four more. Onions then over-corrects down leg and is tipped fine for four more. Murmurs of discontent from the galleries. From Alistair McKail, TMS inbox: "I should imagine the pirates would be partial to the hook shot." 1508: WI 147-5
Bresnan's been told to take a blow - 0-17 off seven for the big shouldered bustler. Swann returns, and the settling Nash cuts and tickles busily. 1505: WI 143-5
Ravi to continue, with Nash on 31 and Ramdin 26. Little menace there, and a man in the crowd watches on with a pair of binoculars that are the same size and shape as one of those View-Master toys. 1501: WI 142-5
Skipper Strauss stands at slip with shades perched atop his cap, hands behind his back and teeth nibbling lower lip. Nash clambers into a wide from Brezza to cream a four through extra cover, and then leans back to upper-cut a lifter way over Prior's head for four more. England struggling a touch for the first time all day. 1454: WI 132-5
Strauss, in search of the breakthrough, signals for Ravi B to loosen his shoulders. Not an instant success, that decision - Nash slashes a four past gully after Ramdin tickles a leggish one fine for four more. Drinks. From John White, TMS inbox: "Regarding Robert Walker's comments on deck cricket between navies and pirates, wouldn't the pirates run the risk of being out wooden leg before wicket?" 1450: WI 122-5
Brezza's settling into his groove here. He's bowling quite wide of the crease, just back of a length, and an inch or two outside off. Will the Aussies be scared? Seeing that Phillip Hughes has just hit 195 for Middlesex, making it 517 runs in four championship innings for the Aussie wunderkind, I'm not quite sure. From Chris Read, TMS inbox: "With regards to all these drawn animal races at least the anteater race finished with a result - it was won by a nose. 1445: WI 122-5
Crack - Broad's snorter traps Nash's bottom hand against the handle. Wouldn't have fancied that. Another lifter follows, and this time Nash gets everything underneath it. Decent partnership now - 43 runs and 17 overs. with the sun high in the sky, some of the wobble has gone out of the ball. 1441: WI 122-5
Brezza, Brezza, Brezza - how did Ramdin not get an edge to that? Super over from the underused Yorkie seamer, and he takes sympathetic pats on his broad shoulders from Strauss, Colly and Bopara. From Peter Ungphakorn, TMS inbox: "Phnom Penge is where you will find the first and only branch of Café Khmer Rouge." 1436: WI 121-5
Change of bowling - Broad to replace Swann. A yunning corker - I beg your pardon, a cunning yorker - almost fools Nash first up, but an attempt at the same ends up us the juiciest of half volleys and is battered through cover for four. After a cheeky single Ramdin leans onto another full one and dispatches it to the boundary sorting-office. Nine off the over. From Neil Bizley, TMS inbox: "Re Ark's Got Talent - surely this would have been long preceded by a never-ending episode of Animals do the Funniest Things (God help us). You only need one of the monkeys to carelessly drop a banana skin and there's scope for Noah to have been in stitches for weeks." 1432: WI 112-5
If you've not seen Brezza before, he's got the sort of build that makes him bustle rather than sprint. If he stopped exercising regularly you'd have worries about him popping the odd button on his pyjamas. Ramdin defends doughtily. From Robert Walker, TMS inbox: "Re Deck cricket - what a fantastic way to solve the Horn of Africa piracy problem. Sponsored deck cricket tournaments between navies and pirates." 1428: WI 112-5
Swann's twirling with menace here. Nash pokes and prods and then slaps a sweep straight into the ankles of Cook at short leg. Ouch. Maiden. Again. 1425: WI 112-5
Brezza again, and that's more like it - a jagger from middle-and-off past Ramdin's retreating gloves. Warm applause from the Lord's patrons, including a patrician chap in the hospitality slots sipping on a flute of sparking wine/champagne. 1422: WI 112-5
Swann it is, twirling into the breeze from the Nursery End, and he's getting some decent drift into leftie Nash. Pad and bat are resolute and it's another maiden. From Mart in Phnom Penge, TMS inbox: "Regarding the silk worms, something very similar happened with the giraffe race - they were neck and neck at the finish." More to the point, where's Phnom Penge - on the border between Cambodia and Bromley? 1418: WI 112-5
At long last, it's time for Beefcake Bresnan. Hmmm. Might have wished he hadn't bothered - Nash flays his first one through point for a fetch-that four. After a single from the same man he straightens up. Is that Swanny to the fray at the other end? From Graham in Wellington: "Deck cricket was great. 1968/69 on MV Rangitoto (21,000 tonnes, 500 passengers, 230 crew) en route between UK and NZ, officers played passengers. I was onboard for its last two voyages and we, the officers, never lost. You could hit the ball anywhere on the ship or up into the funnel for six, but over the side was six and out. Balls were made of wood with a rope mesh round the outside. Hard as.. One passenger received a broken kneecap fielding at silly mid deck." 1413: WI 107-5
My giddy aunts - how did that miss? Onions slices Nash in half with a fullish in-dipper that somehow circumvents both blade and bail. After a sprinted single there's a push down the ground from Ramdin for two, and a strange top-spin forehand hook just past the reaching Cook at square leg for four more. That's more like it, however, a slower short one which is smashed to the same spot with wristy relish. 1409: WI 96-5
Anderson, his floppy hair Mohicaning in the stiff breeze, tears in to Ramdin and fires one past the off-stump. Maiden with menace. From Steve in the City, TMS inbox: "Re: 12.31 - The snatterjack racing might not have been up to much but the silk worm race was amazing - it ended in a tie." 1405: WI 96-5
That's got to be close - Onions bends one in to Nash, the ball slams into front pad then back - but Umpo Davis keeps his finger holstered. Hmmm. A sudden gust of wind gets up and dislodges Nash's off-bail as he rubs the sore spot several inches above the actual one. 1400: WI 96-5
Aarghh - Anderson finds Nash's outside edge, but Swann can't lay a finger on the chance at third slip. Anguish for Anderson - England have been taking those sort of snags all match. Went at it right-handed, but clutched nothingness. Looks like Skipper Strauss is off the field for an over, so Alastair Cook is in temporary charge. From Ben in Birmingham, TMS inbox: "Seems a little unfair that only the animals get the chance to shine in 'Ark's Got Talent' when there could also be a whole crop of sea-faring human talent out there. Might I suggest Popeyedol?" 1356: WI 91-5
Anyone fancy Onions for a ten-wicket scoop on dayboo? He's bowling like a dream here, foxing Nash and Ramdin at will with his cunning loopers. He overstrains a fraction in search of a Waqar-like yorker and is turned through midwicket for four by a relieved Ramdin before reverting to a just-outside-off line. 1352: WI 86-5
Three slips, gully and point in for Jimmy. Ramdin's batting with all the confidence of a man with a piece of wet spaghetti for a bat, and he waves it vaguely at the ball with minimum impact. 1348: WI 85-5
Onions it is from the Nursery End, and he wobbles one past Ramdin's terrified edge. And another, too - fine delivery, with the in-dipper in between to monkey with the batsman's brain. That one's too short, though, and Ramdin can rock back and clout that through midwicket for a soothing four. From Andrew Burrill, TMS inbox: "If you overindulged in the after-show parties on the Ark you had to make do with Ibuprofen - there was no Asprin on the Ark cos the Parrots eat 'em all." 1342: WI 81-5
Wipes crumbs off chin, stuffs last bit of biscuit into maw. Awfttggh? Sorry - never type with your mouth full. All good? Jimmy tears in from the Pavilion End, the sunshine now cutting sharp shadows across the crisp green outfield, and tempts new man Nash into an airy push outside off. From Andrew McQueen, TMS inbox: "Presumably the 'Ark's Got Talent' show would be compered by Ant on Deck?" LUNCH 1300: WI 80-5
Ramdin survives the remainder, and we'll break there - what an (abridged) morning. If you've got tickets for Saturday's action, you might want to start making alternative plans. See you after a leg-freshener. Don't forget TMS for some lunchtime entertainment - or how about showing of your caption writing skills.
Photo caption joy From Chris the drummer, TMS inbox: "A little known fact is that Noah did actually start building several arks for different sections of the animal kingdom . One being a split level number for all the fish - it was a multi-storey carp ark." From Des Turner, TMS inbox: "I don't see how deck cricket could have worked, what with the rains and waves lashing over the sides. Unless of course the lay-out of the Ark would allow for an indoor track below decks. But I suspect the light conditions, not to mention the smell, may have made that a seriously unpleasant option - a bit like the indoor nets at the old Hatfield Polytechnic." From Phil in Liverpool, TMS inbox: "Re Andy from London on 'Ark's Got Talent'. There would also be a ready-made judging panel on hand, comprised of Simon Owl, Panda Holden, and Cheryl Vole." 1256: WICKET Smith b Onions 41, WI 79-5
It's that Swann-Onions combo again - but enough of that sentence start, he's bowled him! Wonderful delivery from the Durham quickie - a hooping in-dipper that dives between bat and pad and boots the middle stump clean out of the ground. Four minutes to lunch, and England are tucking in with relish. 1251: WICKET Chanderpaul c Bopara b Swann 4, WI 75-4
Chanderpaul survives the king pair, and then the call of the Swann echoes round Lord's - time to some spin for Smith. The batsman tries to get his feet moving, a short leg, silly mid-off and slip all staring at him from inches away, and steals a single. Chanderpaul then props forward, there's a clear inside edge onto front pad and Ravi snaffles at s m-o - huge appeal, and that has to be out... From Stuart Bingley, TMS inbox: "I'm sorry to hear of the demise of the Snatterjack. I had no idea it had reached the end of the toad." 1244: WICKET Simmons c Cook b Onions 21, WI 70-3
He's done it again! Onions is running rings round them again (etc etc), but he needed Cook too - super catch off his toes at square leg. Slightly flamboyant shot, but England don't care - they have the breakthrough... From Neil Dobson, TMS inbox: "It seems likely to me that the beasts of Noah's maritime menagerie were kept full and sated by munching down on an otherworldly selection of mythical (nay extinct) beasts. One can only imagine the tigerous joy of the big cats as they ripped chunks out of Charlie the Unicorn and Des the Pheonix. Presumably, what with his sideline in rising from the ashes, they could eat Des on a regular basis as long as they bbq'd him well beforehand." 1241: WI 69-2
Good swing here from Jimmy to leftie Smith. He bends a few in and then slides one across him, the seam as upright as a parade-ground sergeant. A short leaper into the ribs completes the inquisition - second maiden on the bounce. 1236: WI 69-2
Onions it is, and that one spits up at Simmons like a piece of popcorn and slams him on the lid. Ouch. No short-term damage, but it sends him back into his shell for the rest of the over - maiden from Thursday's break-out star. From Andy in London, TMS inbox: "On the subject of entertainment on the Ark, perhaps Noah helped pass the time by arranging a contest called 'Ark's Got Talent'. Contestants included dancing bears, talking parrots, dogs jumping through flaming hoops and rabbits magically appearing from hats. The winner was a breakdancing chimp who had a difficult childhood." 1231: WI 69-2
Rain now ceased, sun now shining. Welcome to Britain. Simmons shuffles back and across his stumps and dinks Anderson through square leg for four more - he likes it there. Could that be Onions loosening his shoulders for his first joust of the day? From Mark in London, TMS inbox: "Snatterjack racing wasn't all it was cracked up to be…after all on Noah's ark it was a two snatterjack race." 1226: WI 62-2
This isn't good - more rain in the air again, and it's heavier this time. Broad tests Smith with a short one and is pulled away messily again for another four - over mid-on this time. Umbrellas sprout around the ground like poisonous funghi but we'll carry on for the time being. 1222: WI 58-2
Testing from Jim - a never-ending inswinger that clears Simmons' leg-peg and Prior's desperate left glove too to fly away for four byes. After a vicious snaker outside off Anderson then drops too short and is flayed off the back foot for four through the empty extra cover slot. Jim winces like a man who's accidentally bitten the inside of his own mouth. From Tom in Cirencester, TMS inbox: "Also, do you think the animals ever considered playing deck cricket like the teams used to do on their way back and forth to Australia? If so, which animals do you think would have made the best cricketers? If a cheetah could release the ball correctly they surely would have to be in the running for a top class strike bowler? And I bet an Orangutan could get stuck in and make a great opening batsman 1218: WI 50-2
Broad pounds one into the turf and Smith hooks with eyes shut, in the style of Fred v Brett Lee '05 - fortuitous four through square leg. No sign of Onions warming up yet, but it's surely just a matter of time. From Laurie in Tonbridge, TMS inbox: "Amateur theatricals were a big part of on-Ark entertainment. A particular star was Noah's son Ham." 1214: WI 46-2
Anderson sprints in, and that's a beauty - zip, lift and away-dip, all in one ball. Simmons isn't daft - he keeps everything well out of the way. Is that rain in the air? Is is, but only a misting. And now the sun's out. If this stops play I may be forced to chunter. From Nigel Smith, TMS inbox: "I'm afraid Steve Bates is a little behind the times. Does he not read his National Geographic? Apparently in 2006 they found a whole colony of Chipping Nortons living in a cave in Ecuador. Blind as bats, but definitely the same species." 1210: WI 46-2
Ooof - what a ball that is from Broad, a rapid one angled in that then zips away at the last moment. Simmons pushes at thin air. Applause from Strauss and Colly in the slips as the next one goes straight on and has the batsman jabbing down desperately. One a fraction more leg-side is tipped away for a quick uno. From Gavin, TMS inbox: "I suspect the Arc saw a considerable amount of spread betting on the return of the dove. 5-1 no twigs, 10/11 dove returns within ten minutes complaining that the eagles never get asked, especially with their eye-sight etc." 1205: WI 45-2
Three slips and a gully in for Anderson as he dashes in from the Pavilion End. There are two hurried singles to dab-downs before Jim tempts Smith with an angled one across his bows - ooohs from the infield. From Neil in Lancashire, TMS inbox: "Let's not forget the parasites. Noah would also have had to ensure there was a brace of brice lice on board too." 1202: WI 43-2
Broad it is, and Simmons crashes his first ball - a leg-side loosener - to the fence at deep square leg. Broad then gets one to hold up a touch and Simmons nudges nervously at its slipstream. From Tim Joyce, TMS inbox: "I heard that quoits on the ark ended quite abruptly when the rhinos got hoopla'd just that one time too many. Mrs Noah said it'd end in tears from the start, bless her." 1158: Here come the players - Lendl Simmons and Devon Smith trotting down the pavilion steps. Looks like Stuart Broad to open the attack. From John Hutchinson, TMS inbox: "'Occasional night of live jazz'? Why occasional? It's not as if the musicians can go anywhere - you could have a could have a nightly set for those so inclined. Those with more 'robust' tastes could get their fun watching the lions splash around eating dead people." 1150: It's so sunny out there that I'm going to risk throwing another sunshine graphic in. Reckless, I know, but it's a Friday. From George in Spain, TMS inbox: "I imagine them betting on lions vs tigers, elephants vs rhinos and how long it takes giant ants to eat caterpillars. I´m backing tigers, elephants and less than a minute." 1146: It's positively balmy out there now. The West Indies batsmen are on their balcony, staring out at the readying pitch with unhappy reluctance all over their features. From Gary in Glasgow, TMS inbox: "I can say with quite some authentication that snatterjack racing was an extremely popular pastime, usually hosted by Noah himself." 1140: Heavens above - the sun's out. And here's Thursday's hero Graham Onions for a spot of fielding practice. That midday prediction is looking bang on. From Andrew Holgate, TMS inbox: "The reason why the wildebeest didn't get eaten is that some of Noah menagerie would breed like rabbits, such as rats, mice and rabbits (obviously). Therefore, there would have been a steady flow of fresh meat to feed the carnivores. The lions look so forlorn as they once used to dine on rat and rabbit kebabs on pitta with chilli sauce and no salad, but now its chewy wilderbeest." 1134: No news from the inspection yet. Just been told that Noah could apparently take seven of every clean animal and two of the unclean ones. Bad news for the monkeys, you'd think. Although having said that, they made it through, didn't they? From Steve Bates, TMS inbox: "Brice is a very small town in Albania. They might not have made it off the boat but it's touching that they named a part of the world after the poor creatures. They made a similar gesture to the now extinct Chipping Norton and the Walsall." 1129: Wonder what the entertainment was like on the ark. I imagine it to be a little like that on offer on the 1920s boats to Australia for the Ashes - plenty of quoits, the occasional night of live jazz, a little too much bridge. From Jamie in London, TMS inbox: "I would suggest, given the huge quantity of freshly drowned sinners and unfortunate beasts floating passed the Ark hourly, that the carnivores were well supplied with sodden flesh fished out of the unhappy waters. It's quite plausible that the lions were tethered to stout ropes and flung into the water to gather these meals themselves. Keeping them happy, exercised and well fed." 1127: Inspection imminent. I can see umpires buttoning up crisp blousons. From Rohan van Twest, TMS inbox: "That's why to this day, lions always look vaguely fed up when eating wildebeest for lunch. They know, deep in their collective memory, that they are getting second best, and things used to better before... Somehow." 1119: The final cover grumbles its way off the track. We'll have an inspection at 1130 with a view to possible start at midday. Tremendo. From Mikey in Macclesfield, TMS inbox: "When Noah put the two Albanian Brice on the Ark, did he refer to them as a 'Brace of Brice?' I'd find this information very helpful so as not to look a fool at my local pet shop." 1112: Covers update: two more have come off. Some superb siphoning going on out there. You've probably got time to pop out for a paper and grab-bag of wheat crunchies, and then we'll be off. From Rob in Wiltshire, TMS inbox: "Re: Noah's Ark. I know from years of watching David Attenborough that lions live mostly on wildebeest. If Noah only took two wildebeest into the ark how come the lions didn't scoff them thereby leaving the post-flood Earth bereft of these creatures? Ditto cats and mice. Did Noah therefore have to take more than two of some species as snacks for the carnivores?" You're looking at this slightly the wrong way round, Rob. Noah did indeed take animals that the carnivores might eat - and eat them they did. That's why none of us have ever heard of the snatterjack, the Albanian brice and the lesser-spotted whoopsy. They simply didn't make it off the boat. 1105: An anacondaesque tube is sucking water off the square. A young member of the groundstaff is strolling perilously close to its snout - if he's not careful, we could have some sort of Augustus Gloop-style accident on our hands. From Liam in Cambridge, TMS inbox: "Re: bringing crocodiles onto Noah's Ark, failure to do so would also rip a big hole in Jimmy Nail's CV (and a lesser one in Elton John's)." 1100: This is more like it - one of the long covers adjacent to the pitch is slowly being rolled up. Can it be furled? Either way, it's on its way back to the shed. From George in Gerrard's Cross, TMS inbox: "I can see from my office window that it has now stopped raining and brightened up considerably here. The weather appears to be going in the general direction of NW8, so I'd say Tuffers is spot-on; the covers should be off well within the next 45 minutes." 1052: Latest news/vague predictions from the middle: it'll take about 45 minutes to an hour to get the ground fit for play when it stops raining. Which it should shortly. So on that basis (carry the one, minus five) we'll have play around about midday. From Andy in Tooting, TMS inbox: "Tom, had a conversation on the way to work, due to the rain, regarding Noah's Ark and the impracticality of some of the animals he took - anyone understand why you would take any form of insects or reptile?" As I understand it, Andy, it's all to do with the fragile balance of the eco-system. Lose the ant, for example, and you've suddenly got mountains of slowly decaying leaf matter piling up everywhere. Lose the crocodile and Noah's financial backers would have to wear shoes and handbags made out of ordinary leather. Trouble everywhere you look. 1045: Phil Tufnell, who knows a bit about conditions at Lord's - not to mention feeling under the weather - reckons we'll start before lunch. He was talking about the cricket, wasn't he? 1038: Let's not be too downcast, however. The weather forecast isn't too shabby from about 11.30am. It's certainly not Speedos and beach balls, but it's not sandbags and rowing-boats either. From BBC Sport's Oliver Brett at Lord's: "I have been staring at the ground for 20 minutes and not seen a groundsman so much as wander towards the covers. It is raining, and a prompt start will probably not be on the agenda. The four members of the steel band have kept their instruments firmly under wraps and are taking refuge under the awning of a champagne tent which, it must be said, is not exactly doing a roaring trade." 1030: The rain in Spain might stay mainly on the plain, but the rain in the UK is staying mainly on the field of play. Yup, the covers are on at Lord's, raindrops are chasing each other down the commentary box windows and there's no-one visible except a brace of sou'westered groundsmen. Delayed start, I'd say.
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