THIRD NPOWER TEST, OLD TRAFFORD, day four:
England 370 & 313 v West Indies 229 & 301-5 (stumps)Shivnarine Chanderpaul led a determined rearguard as West Indies unexpectedly took the third Test against England into the final day at Old Trafford.
Chanderpaul hit an unbeaten 81 in a total of 301-5, with 154 more runs needed on Monday to pull off what would be a record chase in Test cricket.
He was helped admirably by Runako Morton (54) and Dwayne Bravo (49).
For England, Monty Panesar took three of the four wickets to fall on a frustrating day for the home team.
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"Bad omen for England? The Windies' stands so far have been 4, 31, 53, 73 and 88. By rule of mathematical progression, the next wicket should fall at 350 and the Windies cruise on to win by 4 wickets sometime tomorrow!"
Graham in the TMS inbox
1814 - 301-5 Sidebottom takes the last ball of the day and a good bit of aggression first up, fielding off his own bowling and feigning a throw at the stumps with Chanderpaul well in his crease. Third ball he sends one centimetres past Chanderpaul's forward defensive with a touch of bounce, but it's as good as it gets and the Windies batsman leaves the last two alone. Great, dogged work from the tourists, who will think they are still very much in this game.
So that's it folks, thanks a million again for all your communiqu�s, you really are a stellar bunch! Mr Tom Fordyce is in this chair tomorrow so make sure to tune in - it should be a hell of a battle.
"Surely the words "Daphne from Scooby Doo" will end this talk of most attractive cartoon character?"
Mark, Hampshire in the TMS inbox
1809 - 299-5 A Chanderpaul single off Panesar's over brings up the 50 partnership from 107 balls. Massive appeal off the final ball of the over against Ramdin and it looked plum - but a tremendous decision yet again from Aleem Dar, with replays showing he got an inside edge. Superb umpiring.
"In answer to Gary P, she was married to a rabbit she wasn't a rabbit herself. You could be right though given that she was a cartoon. Do you think the phrase 'at it like rabbits' can be worked into this discussion..."
David C, Nottingham in the TMS inbox
1804 - 298-5 Michael Vaughan turns to Liam Plunkett to see if he can serve up a magic ball late in the day. His first delivery goes for four wides through slip, though, not a great start. And another onto Chanderpaul's pads brings another boundary. The Windies, with five wickets still in tact, now need only 157 to win.
"Re: getting dumped. It's never a good sign if your partner starts copying all of your CD's. Trust me."
Andy, Mallorca in the TMS inbox
1800 - 287-5 The chat's been upped around the bat with Monty deadly accurate again. Vaughany: "What a great time hey lads, let's get one now hey?". Prior: "They don't want to be six down do they?" Cookie "Let's get the extra half-hour, roll them over tonight". None of those are going to make sledge of the year are they?! Just a single from the over.
1757 - 286-5 I'd love to tell you more about Sidebottom's overs, I really would. But while they're almost entirely decent, on a good line and length, they're utterly bereft of incident and are going for two singles almost every time. Like it just has again now.
"Should a rabbit really have been allowed to enter the 'sexiest people' contest? Surely that's some form of cheating."
Gary P in the TMS inbox
1752 - 284-5 Monty and Co are definitely going to need a throat sweet or seven tonight. A huge shout for lbw with the ball clearly missing off is denied, but one that's a lot closer next ball draws a more lingered stare from Dar. Panesar is loving this, hopping about like a five-year-old high on fizzy pop, bouncing on a trampoline. Or something like that. Apologies, Dirsy's better at the similies than me...
1750 - 284-5 Sidebottom again gets through a decent over and just two runs come from it. A man sporting a Postman Pat outfit (don't get our footy Ed started on fancy dress cricket watchers by the way) does his best to get the crowd going before being asked to sit down by a steward in the crowd. Bit harsh that. The groundstaff are clearly afraid he will wake people from their post lunchtime-beer slumber. Boooo!
"For shame, no-one has mentioned Betty Boop."
Mike, Banbury in the TMS inbox
"How can everyone forget Judy Jetson? The only reason I used to watch TV as a kid. Much better than Jessica."
Martin, Martinique in the TMS inbox
1745 - 282-5 Panesar has a shout for lbw against Ramdin, but the ball pitched outside leg and was probably going down anyway. He gets excited again when he draws a false shot without success and it's another maiden - his ninth of the innings.
1742 - 282-5 Two singles from Sidebottom's over and it's all rather quiet at Old Trafford.
"Re Robert Whitehead's enquiry (below), the drop of a hat is a sporting phrase originally. To start an event, the official would raise the hat to warn competitors to get ready, then drop it for the "off". Boxing and horseracing used this method. By the way Sam, for street-cred, you could try moving to a city made for you."
Tim, Lyon, France in the TMS inbox
1737 - 280-5 Monty returns and he almost gleams the edge of Ramdin's bat first ball, zipping it high out of the rough. Another appeal when Ramdin kicks away is turned down - which reminds me of Shane Warne who, when denied an lbw decision with the batsman not playing a shot, would often ask the umpire "So you can't pick my straight one either?". A maiden.
"Did you know that Kathleen Turner (voice of Jessica Rabbit) got 2 entries in the world's 100 sexiest people the year 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' came out (1989 I think?). One as herself, one as the voice of Mrs Rabbit. First and only time this has happened."
David C, Nottingham in the TMS inbox
1734 - 280-5 Harmison almost finds Ramdin's edge with a riser off a length to start the over, but Ramdin replies with a sumptuous cut off the next delivery for four. The wicketkeeper then gets another streaky boundary, edging to third man, before Harmison finishes with a jaffa, squaring Chanderpaul up and sending one just past his outside edge.
1729 - 270-5 Sidebottom again starts his over a little wide of Chanderpaul's off stump, but The Shiv latches onto the third ball, driving it square of the wicket all along the floor for four. Once again, the man from Guyana is proving a thorn in England's side as he negotiates the rest of the over without alarm.
1725 - 265-5 Harmison continues and Ramdin hooks one dangerously over midwicket, but it drops safe for two. It was a similar shot to the one that got him out in the first innings and he berates himself a touch. Doesn't stop him flailing at a wide one from Harmison later in the over, which brings renewed admonishment from the West Indian.
"Amy's boyfriend is not weird, he is in fact correct. Cartoon or not, Jessica Rabbit was one of the sexiest creatures ever to have graced the screen."
About 327 of you in the TMS inbox
1718 - 262-5 Maiden from Sidebottom to Chanderpaul but it was all a bit wide of off stump and the batsman never looked in trouble.
"Sam, on Facebook I noticed that you are mates with Tom Fordyce, but not Ben Dirs...Are the two of you arch enemies or something?"
Dave in the TMS inbox
1714 - 262-5 Harmison, who is still sending the odd delivery down leg, does look an entirely different prospect with the ball from Friday. He gets a few to come in steeply at Ramdin but the wicket-keeper negotiates the over well, just one from it.
"Cartoon crushes? There was only one for me ? Ulysses! He had that whole single parent thing going on which made him so attractive despite the dubious hairstyle."
Rachel, Lincoln in the TMS inbox
"What about yesterday Robert? Pietersen's wicket fell at the drop of a hat!"
Lucy in the TMS inbox
1709 - 261-5 Sidebottom will share the new ball with Harmison and he raps Chanderpaul on the pads first ball, but it just didn't do enough to come back in. Having said that, Hawkeye suggests it would have rattled leg stump halfway up. Interesting, it didn't look out live. Ramdin then gets the slightest of edges on a leg side delivery but Prior can't take a difficult chance diving to his left and it goes for four. Eventful over.
"Discussions taking place now in our house on cartoon crushes, which has been a very revealing experience. Me: Optimus Prime from the Transformers (followed closely by Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Turtles). Boyfriend: Jessica Rabbit! Weird!"
Amy, Belgium in the TMS inbox
"Incidentally, Stephen must have the flu or something - such a violently deluded exaggeration of Sam's funniness, not to mention handsomeness, could only have been brought on by delirium. Someone fetch that man a lemsip."
Seb Clare in the TMS inbox
"Sam, there are far too many Sam Lyon's out there, you clearly lack originality. I vote for a name change to something more exciting.
a. Sam Sidebottom - Appropriate gesture to a bowler in form and great alliteration.
b. Samuel L. Lyon - It works for Samuel L. Jackson, he's super cool.
C. DJ Sammy - Go on, you know you're jealous of his name, steal it and be done with him!
Tom Rodriguez, Zimbabwe in the TMS inbox
1701 - 254-5 Indeed Harmison does take the new ball, after a loosener with the old goes for a single. Five accurate, but nothing too dangerous, deliveries follow. I'm sure Grievous is just warming up, though. We'll have some drinks, brew anyone?
"Where in the world/universe do things happen at the 'drop of a hat'. I've just dropped mine and...nothing."
Robert Whitehead in the TMS inbox
"I was at an Essex wedding the other day and the DJ played "Everyday I love you less and less" by the Kaiser Chiefs. I'm not sure if the bride was amused."
Andrew, London in the TMS inbox
1656 - 253-5 Panesar serves Denesh Ramdin up a full toss first ball, and the wicket-keeper batsman does not miss out, smashing it through the covers first ball. Monty recovers his line and length thereafter, though, and follows up with five dot balls. The new ball is now available and, with Harmison striding purposefully across the outfield, it would appear the new ball will be taken next over.
1653 - 249-5 Maiden from Pietersen, who's looking the part in these couple of overs.
"The best way to get rid of a woman is to start up the "who you can date and it not count as cheating" conversation over dinner. Your better half is bound to go for the likes of Brad Pitt, George Clooney etc? so when she finally ekes your answer out as her sister? it's the single life for you!"
Paul, Derby in the TMS inbox
1647 - WICKET! Bravo c Cook b Panesar 49, WI 249-5
Chanderpaul sweeps away for three and Bravo jumps on a Panesar long hop by smashing the spinner over midwicket for a one-bounce four. But Panesar has his revenge next ball! MP gets another to bounce a bit, finds Bravo's glove and the ball loops up to Alastair Cook at short leg to see Bravo fall one short of his half-century. Timely breakthrough with the new ball due in a couple of overs. 1645 - 241-4 Kevin Pietersen returns, with the new ball three overs away, and the part-time off-spinner finds some good areas to Chanderpaul, bowling out a maiden.
"If I had one superpower, I'd like it to be that I was as side-splittingly funny and devilishly handsome as Sam Lyon."
Stephen in the TMS inbox
1642 - 241-4 Bravo may be enjoying himself against the seamers, but Panesar continues to have him in all sorts of trouble. It's a maiden and Panesar's bounce twice has Bravo fending off fortunately short or wide of a fielder.
"Trevor, nope not at all. Cheetara from Thundercats was seriously HOT! Half cat, half woman, running round beating bad guys in nothing more that a skimpy leotard? Nice."
Andy, Guildford in the TMS inbox
1639 - 241-4 Another expensive over from Plunkett, who might just be given a breather now. Bravo pinching two runs square of the wicket and then smashing yet another four on the pull off a dreadfully short delivery - that's his seventh boundary of the innings.
1635 - 234-4 Panesar continues over the wicket, bowling into the footholes, and Bravo does not look like he's enjoying it. Apparently, Ashley Giles is a big believer in bowling over the wicket to Bravo. Just a single, off a sweep, from the final ball of the over.
By the way, there appear to be a few of you out there who disapprove of the T-shirt I'm wearing in my Facebook pic. It reads "Van Driver" on it - a quite hilarious, if you ask me, pun on the "Von Dutch" brand, for those who haven't seen it. I can honestly say I have never failed to pull in it, so there. Ahem...honest.
1631 - 233-4 After a decent few overs, Plunkett starts to struggle with his line and Chanderpaul cracks a couple of short, wide deliveries away square of the wicket for four. The Windies are over half way towards their target now, and have been known to chase down some huge scores in the past. Surely England can't throw this away?
1628 - 225-4 Good line of attack from Panesar to Bravo, pitching outside leg and spinning over off, and the all-rounder's attacking instincts are curbed as he is forced to fend away deliveries full of bounce and spin. Just two from the over.
Song suggestions for Gerald's wedding band:
It's the End of the World As We Know It - REM (Stuart Cameron) Can't Buy Me Love - Beatles (Chris Ray) Glad I crashed the wedding - Busted (Suren Patel) Time Is Running Out - Muse (Ollie Woods) 1625 - 223-4 With Bravo flailing away at one end, Chanderpaul is shutting up shop at the other. Plunkett gets through a maiden without much alarm.
"Me and my mates were discussing yesterday the perils of being dumped by people who tell you "It's not you, it's the Lord!" I have to say though, if it takes an act of God to get rid of you, that could be oddly complimentary..."
Peter J in the TMS inbox
1621 - 223-4 Monty continues and Bravo continues to play his shots. One lovely drive back over the bowler's head goes for four and then a wristy flick goes for two. The hits just keep on coming from Bravo, who cuts away for another boundary next ball, but he misses with a wild swipe final ball of the innings. Had it all that over.
1617 - 213-4 Neat Plunkett over and just a leg bye coming from it.
"Sellotape-eye man - very much in demand at Christmas I'd say. How about having the ability to morph into a kitchen utensil at the drop of a hat."
Zoe in the TMS inbox
1613 - 212-4 With Collingwood and Vaughan both making enquiries about the 'not out' decision still, Monty takes up the ball. A fine piece of Colly fielding almost runs out Chanderpaul going back, and then Monty gets one to go the other way and Prior misses a stumping chance - though it looked nearly impossible turning out of the foothole. A maiden.
1610 - 212-4 It'll be an all Durham attack, with Plunkett coming in from the other end. Bravo is living a touch dangerously, but he brings up the 50 partnership (from a mere 57 balls) with a flash through short midwicket for four. And controversy! Bravo flashes again and edges to slip, Collingwood, one handed and on the dive, claims the catch just above the ground and England celebrate. Aleem Dar and Billy Bowden come together, though, and after some deliberation give it not out without referring it to the TV replays. The replays are inconclusive, but Collingwood et al are dismayed. Hhmmm...
1603 - 208-4 Harmison takes the first over after tea - and starts by sending one towards Bravo's pads that the all-rounder clips away for four. Two balls later and Bravo edges a streaky four between gully and the slip cordon for another four. Another single to end the over and not the greatest of starts from Harmy.
"We've discussed getting a woman (or a man), surely now we have to hear how to get rid of one... Anyone got anything better than the old avoiding all contact and changing your phone number technique?"
Tim, London in the TMS inbox
"If you would like some rubbish to talk about, me and a few buddies are setting up a band to play at weddings and are arguing over what songs we should play...?"
Gerald in the TMS inbox
"We could talk about our schoolboy/girl crushes. Does anyone find it a little strange that I had a thing for Destiny Angel from 'Captain Scarlet'?"
Trevor in the TMS inbox
"If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Answers must be unusual and completely improbable. I'd like the ability to fire Sellotape out of my eyes."
Alistair in the TMS inbox
1540 - 199-4 It's Monty with the last over before tea, and Chanderpaul is keen to get into the break unscathed. Six dot balls later and the players will take a break. Word is that Aggers has not brought a clean shirt for tomorrow and Mike Selvey has already checked out of his hotel - they'll be hoping for a productive evening session for England then! I'm off to make new friends in cyberspace - all the cool kids are doing it. See you in 20!
"Good luck with heterosexual Shane mate haha." Ben Lyon in the TMS inbox
"Call it typical English pessimism, but does anyone else feel that in Chanderpaul and Bravo there are both proven and potential match-winners currently at the crease, and that if they stick together for a bit they might give us a little scare?"
Stu, Exeter in the TMS inbox
1535 - 199-4 Chanderpaul, dropped on 18 by the Montster, blasts two boundaries to bring up his second 50 of the match. The first is cut square and then he hooks a no-ball to continue his fine record against England in style. Another no-ball and a single to end the over and Harmison is not quite loose again yet. We hope. "I would feel shame about only lasting 12 hours. Dirsy has been known to last well into the 83rd hour. Lightweight."
Marc, Lufbra in the TMS inbox
1531 - 186-4 Who did we decide Sidebottom looked like again? Roger Daltrey was it? Or Eric Idle? I can't remember. Aggers is particularly amused by his hair I must say, and who can blame him. It is almost as if he's kept the style for so long to prove a point. What that point is, I'm not sure, other than the "it's my hair and I can look like a dipstick if I want" point. Anyway, Bravo flicks one off his hips behind square for four before Sidebottom sends one just over his off stumps with an outswinger.
"Off goes Sidebottom into bowl, hair all over his face and I'm not sure he's even seen where that's pitched."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS
1525 - 182-4 A Monty delivery keeps low and rushes past Prior to the boundary - that makes it 141 extras in the match, the third highest in a Test ever. Chanderpaul goes on the attack last ball, sweeping Panesar powerfully for four.
1523 - 172-4 More uneven bounce from Sidebottom, the ball zipping under Bravo's bat and just past the stumps. Just the single from the over and he's doing a good turn without a huge amount of swing Mr Sidebottom. After nearly 12 hours of clockwatching this weekend, I feel no shame in admitting I'm running out of rubbish to talk about. Clearly this will please the likes of Peter M who just want the cricket, but if you've got any suggestions for topics, questions etc...let me know!
1518 - 171-4 Dwayne Bravo looks sure to play his shots here, thrashing Panesar over midwicket for two first ball. Monty gets him defending on the front foot on off next two, but Bravo drives the fourth through the covers for three, Harmison stopping the boundary with a good dive on the ropes. Chanderpaul pushes for two square of the wicket and, after Plunkett throws down the wicket for an attempted run out, the TV umpire spares Bravo's blushes. Eight from the over.
1514 - 163-4 Sidebottom continues to Chanderpaul and it's a maiden.
"As a heterosexual male, I would have to say you have the upper hand over your brother."
Shane...erm...anonymous in the TMS inbox
1510 - 163-4 Two singles to finish the over and that could prove a crucial breakthrough.
1505 - WICKET! Morton lbw Panesar 54, WI 161-4
Morton's gone! It looks a generous decision to my eye, though. Panesar, bowling round the wicket, loops one in towards his legs and it raps Morton on the pads on the turn. It looked like it was spinning just past off, but Aleem Dar raises his finger to end a dogged knock. Morton is Mr Angry of Furiousville, Livid-land - and that's an understatement. Watch out for the china in the dressing room. 1504 - 161-3 Sidebottom is proving unerringly accurate here, and one goes past Morton's inside edge with the hint of a noise and flies through to Matt Prior. The England fielders erupt, but Billy Bowden shakes his head. There was a definite noise but TV replays are inconclusive, so probably a good call from the umpire.
1459 - 160-3 Bit of spit from Monty that crashes into Chanderpaul's gloves, but the West Indian does well to keep it down and it falls safe. Chanderpaul then takes a swipe with an attempted sweep but the ball bounces over his bat and to safety. Something to think about for the tourist as overcast conditions sweep over Old Trafford.
1455 - 157-3 More tidy work from Sidebottom, who has found a good length on this pitch and bowls out another maiden.
"Sam, just checked out Facebook. Your brother has 264 friends and you have 217. As he seems to be more popular, I wouldn't move in."
Simon in the TMS inbox
"I've just been checking you out on Facebook and I have to say I like what I see?you are the fit blonde graduating from Illinois university in 2010 aren't you?"
Stephen in the TMS inbox
Haha, erm, no Stephen I'm not.
1451 - 157-3 Morton brings up what has been a valuable, dogged 50 with a flick off his pads for two. That's his third Test half century and, having scored a 100 and 200 in warm-up matches, he will be looking to press on. Panesar tries a few over the wicket, pitching on and outside leg, but Morton pads up and there's little danger. 1448 - 155-3 Ryan Sidebottom is brought back into the attack and he gets the odd one to bounce off a length and keep Chanderpaul honest. A maiden.
It would appear I have opened something of a can of worms with my comments below. So, to clear things up, here are Ben and I in all our glory, myself on the left... "Aha, after much frantic myspacing/facebooking in the last five minutes I've happened upon a picture of both yourself and your brother!! I think the answer depends on whether 'the ladies' prefer brunettes or blonds."
Sarah, Bucks in the TMS inbox
1440 - 155-3 Monty returns in place of Pietersen and it's tidy enough, just the single from it. Not enough for Morton to drive, though, to induce anything risky and I reckon Panesar needs to get a bit more loop and flight in here.
"If KP is now being referred to as Action Man, is anyone brave enough to check if he is anatomically correct?"
Ian, Sharjah in the TMS inbox
1437 - 154-3 Harmison continues but runs are coming easily now. Morton thrashes one through midwicket for three and Chanderpaul then digs one out from under his feet square of the wicket for four. This is an ominous partnership from England's point of view, and there some suggestions the ball has gone a bit soft.
1433 - 144-3 Third over from KP - nice enough, one from it, but the batsman are untroubled. Michael Vaughan immediately signals a change at the end of the over and the experiment ends there.
"From what I can make out from TV what you need is to become the Alfa male... this involves having a longer shinier mane (Plunkers can help you there), a louder roar (like a Monty appeal) and catching the most Gazelles will impress the ladies!"
Dave Crawford in the TMS inbox
1430 - 143-3 Great shot from Chanderpaul, flicking past square leg for four. Just that from the over and the match is a touch subdued at the moment, prompting the crowd to entertain themselves with one of those loathsome Mexican waves...how very 1980s.
1427 - 139-3 KP continues but the experiment won't last long, I'm sure. Morton nudges down to third man for four and then bludgeons the part-timer back down the ground for another boundary. Pietersen got a hand to the return catch but it would've taken a pearler to stick. Eleven from the over, though, and that's the 50 partnership between Chanderpaul and Morton.
"Sam, I reckon you ought to put up a pic of you and a pic of your bro up and let the discerning ladies of your audience decide who is better looking - and therefore whether you should live together or not... Are you brave enough?"
Mano, London in the TMS inbox
I'm not sure that's a wise manoeuvre. Although both myself and my brother Ben are on those myspace, facebook things. Anyone on there can check us out and I will post the most complimentary ones!
1421 - 128-3 Agony for Panesar and England! Harmison draws the leading edge off Chanderpaul towards midwicket, but Monty spills the catch diving forward - it should've been taken. Another fine over from Harmison, though, and that bodes well for the rest of the match and the series, you hope.
"Having just finished sharing a house with my brother for the past 5 years, I can offer the following advice:
Remote Control - always take the TV as opposed to SKY/Cable, it offers OVERALL control
Always ensure you have space for beer and/or wine in the fridge.
Girls - if like me, you are inestimably better looking than your sibling, this will not be an issue.
If in dispute, your mother is the tie breaker.
Iain Brown in the TMS inbox1418 - 127-3 Wahey - Action Man is on. Pietersen gets a chance to throw down his gentle off-spinners and gets a decent bit of turn. Morton almost plays one onto his stumps fourth ball and then he sends one through midwicket for four. It was a loose shot, no control in the effort, and Morton was fortunate to split the field.
"The easiest way to monopolise control of the remote control is to keep it down your pants at every opportunity. Whether you want to apply that rule to girls is a tough call."
Chris Coyne in the TMS inbox
1415 - 121-3 Harmison is brought back and, after sending one down leg, brings a false shot from Morton that drops inches short of Bell at gully. So close to a third wicket that. Just a single from a half decent over.
"Is it me or does Plunkers look like he is from the Pat Sharp school of hair dos? Somewhere in that mop is a little man controlling him like in Inner Space."
Glenn, Bedford in the TMS inbox
1410 - 120-3 Change of tack mid-over from Panesar, switching to round the wicket with Chanderpaul continuing to kick the ball away. Good one first up, but a fine flick off a straight one through the on side brings Chanderpaul four.
"If your brother is better looking than you, don't do it..."
Sarah, Canterbury in the TMS inbox
That's what I tell him Sarah...
1407 - 116-3 With Steve Harmison off the field for some reason, enjoying some banter with the supporters in the stands enjoying a pint, Plunkett is taking the chance to build some confidence. A sharp yorker has Morton desperately digging the ball out from under his feet and the West Indian is playing an innings full of maturity here. Just the single from a neat over.
"So that would be a Lyons' den."
Robert Rea in the TMS inbox
1403 - 115-3 Matty Prior is screaming like a teenage banshee let loose on Brannigans, Romford on a Friday night but Aleem Dar is having none of it. Chanderpaul continues to offer no shot to Panesar, who is spinning it out of the rough time and again, and Prior et al continue to call for lbw. One shout in particular looked good, Hawkeye suggesting it would have hit the top of off, but Dar can not be blamed for turning it down. Dangerous game from Shiv, though.
1400 - 114-3 Yet another big shout from England, Plunkett bringing one back into Morton's pads, but umpire Bowden turns it down. Looked a touch high and it's a good call. Morton responds by thumping Plunkett through midwicket for four, prompting some rare old verbals between the pair.
Right - my next conundrum. I'm about to move into a house with my brother for the first time, having each lived alone before that. Any advice? How do I ensure I get first dibs on girls, the TV remote and the steaks for example? What pitfalls should I steel myself against? Should I stack up on toilet freshener? All help would be welcome...
1356 - 110-3 Another fabulous decision from umpire Aleem Dar - who has not missed a trick, under severe pressure at times from the England, all day. Morton pads up to a Monty floater but it was missing off. He pinches a single to mid-off but it's another tight Monty over.
1352 - 109-3 Plunkett continues, striving for accuracy, and to be fair he's not far off getting it right. Morton punches down the ground for a single but Chanderpaul is settling himself in for a typically stoic innings it would seem.
1347 - 108-3 Panesar is on and Chanderpaul might just face a difficult afternoon with the ball ripping out of the footholes as it is. The number five edges a boundary past slip, though, and then pads up to one that almost bounces up into Prior's face behind the stumps.
"The "grapes - if nice" question is the easiest shopping list item of all. "Sorry dear, the grapes were of insufficient quality", gets you recognition as an expert shopper for soft fruit, with the bonus that you didn't have to buy any grapes." John in the TMS inbox
"A (very drunk) friend of mine went into a tattoo parlour just off Broadway in New York and requested "Sherwood Massive" be inked onto his shoulder (He is from Sherwood and Ali G was quite popular at the time). Of course the tattooist misunderstood the slurred Nottingham accent and my friend now has sports a homage to Shirley Bassey."
Fergus, Surrey in the TMS inbox
"That necklace type thing that adorns Kevin Pietersen's neck makes his head look detachable in an Action Man kind of way."
Jonny Gray in the TMS inbox
1343 - 103-3 And the players emerge from what I hope was a better lunch than my own... Steve Harmison is leading the banter among his relaxed band of troops - that's got to bode well for a lively England fielding display this afternoon. Plunkett takes the first over and Chanderpaul clips him before square on the on side for three. Panesar throws down the stumps brilliantly off the last ball but Morton is well home. And Monty will continue his spell with the ball from before lunch...
"I know how you feel, David. I was in the supermarket once and glanced at the shopping list I had been given. One item read, "Green Things"! After a lot of head scratching I worked out that she meant pot scourers. Well, it's obvious isn't it?"
Mick, Worcs in the TMS inbox
Band names from England players:
The Harmisons (4 piece folk outfit from Somerset)
Plunkett's Brigade (alternative rock)
The KP Crew (funkadelic hip-hop)
Monty's Bat-pads (reggae)
Moin, Saudi Arabia in the TMS inbox1301 - 99-3 Monty P squeezes a last over in before lunch, but Morton survives, despite Panesar almost squeezing one behind his legs from over the wicket. Good, determined session from Morton that, but England will be happy enough with the two wickets - that's lunch.
1259 - 99-3 Plunkett to Chanderpaul, and the West Indian latches onto a wide full toss from the seamer and places it perfectly through extra cover for a four. Plunkett gets one to swing back into the left hander next ball, though, and raps Chanderpaul next ball. Umpire Billy Bowden immediately shakes his head but it looked good to me. Pitched in line, struck in line and the height looked. Fortunate escape for Shiv to my mind that.
"Re: Sarah's comments on the Beckhams' Chinese tattoos (see below) - I get the impression they would be just as vulnerable if it was written in English."
Andy, Mallorca in the TMS inbox
1254 - 95-3 New batsman Shiv Chanderpaul will face Monty P first up and the England boys give it a shout when he pads up to one turning out of the footholes. Was going over the top, though, and rightly turned down again by Aleem Dar. Morton flicks to the leg side for two to end another dangerous over.
1251 - 92-3 Plunkett arrows one into Morton's boots but the batsman does well to dig out the yorker. Morton recovers his scoring touch with a drive down the ground for four, and that's the only score from the over.
"Eurovision? No, Monty and the In-Fielders are a doo-wop outfit."
Simon, Edinburgh in the TMS inbox
1245 - WICKET! Smith c Cook b Panesar 42, WI 88-3
Monty strikes! Five dot balls and then a well deserved scalp that. Another ball grips in the footholes, bounces in towards the left-hander and Smith can only glove to Alastair Cook at short leg, bringing an end to the number three's decent innings. "I've just been presented with the lunch time shopping list. And against "grapes", the girlfriend has written the words - "If Nice". I must confess this has put the fear of god into me. A wrong move and it will be Eastenders for me this afternoon. With your endless experience of the ladies Sam, I was hoping you could provide me with guidance on what she means?"
David in the TMS inbox
David - tricky one this. Why don't you just buy a couple of bottles of wine - one red, one white - and claim ignorance?
1243 - 88-2 Plunkett also looks to be settling nicely into his rhythm and it almost bears fruit off the last ball of the over, Morton edging a drive towards Bell at gully but the ball falling a foot short.
"Makes you wonder what Posh & Becks' tattoos really say..."
Sarah, Canterbury in the TMS inbox
"'Monty and the in-fielders' would only ever work as a name of a Eurovision entry..."
Helen in the TMS inbox
1238 - 87-2 Monty Panesar looks to have cracked it pace-wise this over. More loop, more turn and Morton looks really uncomfortable again. Three go past the bat, two are left alone and that's a maiden.
1237 - 87-2 Morton sends one to the slips off Plunkett but it came off his elbow and the muted cries of 'howzat' are quickly silenced by Bowden. Just a single off the last delivery, though. Better from Plunkett.
"Tattoos on bloke are definitely out. Unless you're a Maori with lovely big thighs."
Tor, Glos in the TMS inbox
1231 - 86-2 Another big shout from Monty and the in-fielders (sounds like a decent name for a band that doesn't it) as Smith pads to Bell at silly point. England are convinced it brushed his glove on the way up but it looked impossible to tell and Dar is covering himself in glory with his decisions today.
"My mate Rob has a tattoo done on his upper arm that was meant to say something like 'strong leader' in Chinese characters - on returning to Uni, one of our Chinese friends asked "Why does your arm say 'Bunny'?" Still haven't stopped laughing, 6 years later."
Barney, Leeds in the TMS inbox
"Re: Charlie's warning at 1217, a friend of mine got a Chinese tattoo in Hawaii which he was told meant 'tranquillity'. He later had a Japanese girlfriend who nearly split her guts laughing and told him it meant 'cheap'. How funny."
Malcolm Kent in the TMS inbox
1229 - 85-2 Plunkett continues but he's struggling to replicate county team-mate Harmison's accuracy so far. A couple of leg byes kick off the over before the customary wide down the leg side. A somewhat wayward over ends with a Smith drive for four and the tourists are looking comfortable at the moment.
1225 - 77-2 A barrier to a swift England victory here, might just be Devon Smith who is looking in fine touch. He spanks a cover drive off Monty P for a four first ball, and then cuts away to the boundary to bring up his 6,000th run in first-class cricket. Panesar gets one to zip with the final delivery, but it bounces high down the leg side for four byes. Profitable over for the Windies.
"Hmm tattoos on blokes - only really works with a bit of muscle underneath and no... beer muscle doesn't count!"
Vics, Singapore in the TMS inbox
"Have you seen that guy wearing a Harmison mask bowling accurately this morning? Do you think the Windies will notice he's an imposter?"
Dave, Exeter in the TMS inbox
1221 - 65-2 Harmison is given a breather and is replaced on the field by his brother Ben - how sweet. Liam Plunkett, who is also desperately in need of an accurate spell after his recent troubles, takes on the ball. Smith works a single off his hips first ball but Plunkett otherwise throws down a decent, miserly over. Allan Donald looks on approvingly from the balcony.
1217 - 64-2 Panesar almost cleans Smith up with one that turns out of the footholes and keeps low, but the ball misses off stumps by a whisker. Monty P almost gets a seventh ball from the over but Dar is corrected by Bowden from square leg and it's just two singles from the over.
"For all those people, especially girls, who have Chinese symbols as tattoos - how can you be sure it says what you think it does?"
Charlie in the TMS inbox
1214 - 62-2 Harmison, in his eighth straight over this morning, sees Smith tuck one away for two first ball but then has a shout for lbw with a well-directed yorker. It pitched outside leg to Smith, though, and umpire Billy Bowden rightly shakes his head. Another short-pitched delivery forces Smith to duck out of the way well but two come off the final ball thanks to an overthrow from Bell.
"My vote: monochrome black tattoos on men are fantastic, providing they're "arty" - Celtic knots, dragon symbols and so forth. Coloured tattoos are a big no-no; they just look tacky. So do text tattoos. Worst are text tattoos of previous girlfriends' names."
Zoe Parkinson in the TMS inbox
"Tattoos on fellas? A definite nay."
Helen in the TMS inbox
1210 - 58-2 Big shout for lbw from Panesar against Smith, who is getting big spin out of the footholes into the left-hander. Hawkeye suggests it was just clipping leg, but it looked like it was doing too much to me so good decision from umpire Aleem Dar. Smith punches three through the covers off the last ball, but encouraging signs for Monty.
1207 - 55-2 You can practically see the confidence growing in Harmison. Morton does his best to leave well alone outside off, but the odd couple dart back in and almost scatter the stumps to keep the batsman on his toes. Another maiden.
Thanks to all of you that sent in completely unpublishable chat-up lines, which I'll be honest was the vast majority of replies I received. This, from Chris Oxley, was my favourite, but only because I am Sam Lyon and therefore can't use Dave's: "I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
My next dilemma is for the ladies - tattoos on fellas, 'yay' or 'nay'? And if you could let me know any design ideas too, that's be great...
"Dare I admit I fell for the following chat up line: 'I was trying to think of a witty chat up line but you're so beautiful, I can't think straight'. I went out with the bloke for nine months!"
Amanda, Lincoln in the TMS inbox
1201 - 55-2 Panesar starts off with a real loosener and Morton shows no mercy, punching it down the ground for four. Monty responds with a real beauty that Morton fends away off the back foot. Prior urges the spinner to "get it up and down, up and down Monty" which has got to be sounds advice for any bowler you'd think. A mis-field from Liam Plunkett allows Morton a single and a dot finishes the over. More indeterminable rubbish from Prior behind the stumps - lovely stuff - and that's drinks.
1157 - 50-2 Harmison is barely recognisable from the fella who was chucking pies down the leg side on Friday. There's a lot of talk about him delivering the ball from wide on the crease and it is paying dividends. A maiden for the Durham seamer...and cheers greet the end of the over with the news that Monty P is coming on to replace Sidey...
"As chat-up lines go, you can't really go wrong with 'Hi, I'm not Sam Lyon'"
Dave, Torquay in the TMS inbox
"Thanks for the advice Nicola. Do you think one day us men will evolve to the point where we realise chat-up lines don't work?"
Andy in the TMS inbox
1152 - 50-2 For all his accuracy, this might be Sidebottom's last over you feel. The odd delivery has swung but, with the sun shining through now in Manchester, the Notts seamer is struggling to trouble the Windies batsmen often enough. Still, it's just three singles from the over, with a confident-looking Smith bringing up the tourists' 50 with a neat pull off his hips.
1148 - 47-2 Morton faces up to Harmison and Vaughan responds to the West Indian's dodgy boundary of an over ago by putting a fly slip in place. Harmison continues to extract good pace and bounce and Morton is forced to fend a couple off his ribs. A well directed bumper ends the over.
1145 - 45-2 Sidebottom continues and it's another decent over.
"'Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money' is a good one."
Colin D in the TMS inbox
1139 - 43-2 Harmison is full of aggression and accuracy this morning and he has Morton bobbing and weaving all over the place in his crease. The number four finally gets bat on ball late in the over to fence another rising delivery away and it loops over the slip cordon and down to third man for four. Streaky.
1135 - 39-2 Another decent over from Sidebottom, who again goes agonisingly close to the stumps with an inswinger that Smith leaves alone. But Smith is certainly a fighter and he clips a boundary through mid-on off his pads to register his second four of the morning.
"Richard - probably the best way to "catch fillies", is to not refer to them as "fillies". Just a thought!"
Nicola in the TMS inbox
"In my experience, the best way of catching a filly is with a head collar, bucket of feed and a few carrots..."
Bernard, West Grinstead in the TMS inbox
1131 - 35-2 Harmison greets Runako Morton with a neat couple of deliveries on off-stump but the number four survives. Great stuff from Grievous.
1128 - WICKET! Gayle c Collingwood b Harmison 16, WI 35-2
Harmison sends the first couple a touch leg-side, and Sidebottom reflects England's sharpness in the field this morning with a brilliant stop on the boundary. Harmison sends the next one towards Gayle's ribs - and the opener's gone next ball! A beauty, cutting across him, has Gayle prodding and he can only edge to Collingwood at second slip. Just reward for Harmison and a splendid start for England. 1125 - 33-1 Sidebottom serves up a juicy half-volley first up that Smith dispatches to the boundary, but the Nottinghamshire seamer responds with a series of outswingers that Smith does well not to nick.
"Noting Toby from London's Tube chat-up line and yesterday's Dr Love-fest, I was wondering if anyone can offer top one-liners for the purpose of catching fillies."
Richard, Howden in the TMS inbox
1121 - 29-1 Harmison, who was out with Allan Donald practically all morning, is really firing - and he has Gayle in all sorts of problems. A couple zip past the opener's nose and the Jamaican then gets one bang on the left thumb to leave him in agony. The physio is called out - if it isn't broken, Gayle is extremely lucky - and treats it with a bit of spray. Yes, that should cure it, hhmmm. After a delay of a few minutes, Harmison backs it up with a fierce full delivery and Gayle defends well through the pain. Gayle ends the over with a cut for four but Harmison is looking in great shape.
1113 - 25-1 Another beautiful over - and a maiden - from Sidebottom. The seamer almost cleans Devon Smith up with the last ball, an inswinger missing the batsman's off pole by less than a coat of varnish. Excellent stuff, England look bang up for this.
"In response to Alan, my girlfriend is in the same room as me. That's MILES closer!"
Nik in the TMS inbox
1109 - 25-1 Harmison takes on the second over - and it's more than encouraging from the Durham boy. Pretty accurate bouncer to start, and two fly past Gayle outside off. Gayle fends off another couple of decent ones and it's a maiden to start. I can't shake Dirsy's comparison of Harmison to "an Indian deity running for a bus" every time I watch him bowl now. By the way, who had 1103 in the sweepstake for "time of the first grumbling email from Peter M"? Step forward, you're a winner...
"I was my girlfriend was 5261 miles away."
grrr bear in the TMS inbox
"The father of a friend of mine started to grow breasts in his mid-forties, bra and all, which I think you'll agree is far less manly than hay fever."
Simon, Bath in the TMS inbox
"I once ran all the way from Waterloo bridge to the train at Waterloo in the aim of catching a train. It was in the peak of summer and I was rather damp. I got on the train and this stunning young lady approached me asking me if I was ok, and if I would like some water. To which I replied "no thanks, I just sweat a lot". The best chat up line ever! Try it!"
Toby, London in the TMS inbox
1105 - 25-1 Chris Gayle and Devon Smith stride, or in the case of Gayle, stroll onto the field and it will be Ryan Sidebottom first up. His first delivery flies harmlessly, or should that be Harmisonly?, down the leg side and the second is clipped off his legs by Smith for the first run of the day. A full fourth ball raps Gayle on the pads but there's no appeal with it heading miles outside leg and Sidebottom serves up a swinging jaffa last ball to Smith. Decent start that.
"In response to Alan, my missus is on another planet..."
Neil, Notts in the TMS inbox
1057: A quick chat on the outfield with Dwayne Bravo - who's deep, monotone voice sounds like it should belong to someone far bigger and older - suggests the Windies are not totally resigned to defeat yet. "We like a challenge, so we'll see what we can do," he said - doesn't exude confidence does it?
1054: Talking of dates - I went for a few 'looseners' after work yesterday and bumped into a group of girls I used to know. Of the four that were out, I've already had relations with two of them (unbeknown to each other). What I want to know is - how do I go about mixing it with the other two?
"In response to Chris (1814 comment) on the text commentary yesterday, my girlfriend is 5261 miles away. (I'm in Derby, UK and she's in Pacifica which is near San Francisco). Anyone beat that?"
Alan in the TMS inbox
"I know today is all about you Mr Lyon but thought I'd let you know I did go to that wedding last night - got all dolled up, wore impossibly painful shoes, the whole nine yards. I may have done one or more of the following: fallen down some stairs; fallen asleep at some point during the proceedings; or get caught saying something inappropriate within earshot of a video camera."
Sarah, Bucks in the TMS inbox
1043: Anyway, once again I will be relying heavily on your emails to keep me entertained today, so get them coming in. The weather forecast suggests Old Trafford will enjoy its hottest day of the Test match so far, meaning it could be a good day for batting. I, however, suspect Monty and Harmy will run through them rather swiftly. Which, to my mind, means there's no excuse for you all not to forego any Sunday responsibilities, put your feet up and cheer on the boys.
"It's a great position we're in and the pitch is turning and bouncing nicely. I think Monty Panesar will have a big role to play today and Steve Harmison, who admittedly has been struggling, had a nice boost with a decent spell last night."
England coach Peter Moores
"The loss of their captain Ganga has put West Indies in a hopeless position from which they will surely lose the series today"
BBC cricket correspondent Jonathan Agnew
1039: Morning one and all. I've successfully negotiated a darling of a trip across central London into the office today, avoiding numerous track closures, a wealth of dawdling tourists and a heavy dose of hayfever. Is there a less masculine affliction in the world than hayfever? Sneezing, a runny nose and swollen eyes does not scream 'hard-nosed geezer' does it? It ruined my chances with a lovely young filly on the tube in, I tell you.
