By Scott Heinrich
BBC Sport |
 The Tigers may have to wear armour for their tour of Australia |
Even the Colosseum would have struggled to live up to the blood-thirsty cauldrons which Darwin and Cairns will become when Bangladesh's cricketers put their heads on the block next month.
Like lambs to the laughter, Bangladesh will be paraded around Australia's northern-most outposts for three weeks before being sent home badly beaten.
There is no getting away from reality. The toothless Tigers are doomed.
Whether Bangladesh will learn anything from being annihilated - which is the ICC's hope - is another matter altogether.
But the, erm, contests could well provide sadists of the statistical bent with a moment or two to savour.
It is not the Australian way to go easy on the new kid, not at a time when the world champions are advocating a two-tiered one-day championship so fixtures like these can be avoided.
John Buchanan's declaration of intent to be "aggressive as we can be" does not augur well for Bangladesh, and it could just be that the Aussies will try to prove a point at their expense.
 | ULTIMATE MISMATCH  We will put our opposition under as much pressure as we can, right from the word go Australia coach John Buchanan |
There have been many one-sided matches in cricket's 1647-Test history, but one has to go back to 1938 to recall the most comprehensive.
The scene was the fifth Test at the Oval, the occasion an English triumph to the tune of an innings and 579 runs over Australia.
Batting first, England called it a day on 903-7 with opener Len Hutton contributing a measly 364. Chuck Fleetwood-Smith (a perfectly acceptable name for a bowler back then) returned figures of 1-298.
Australia, down to nine men with Don Bradman and Jack Fingleton incapacitated, made 201 and 123 as England levelled the series 1-1.
But results like that are rare, almost freakish, and tend to be roughly spread among the established nations.
The key word in Bangladesh's defence would be 'established', and the Tigers are certainly far from that.
But, New Zealand apart, no side ever encountered struggles like theirs when ushered into the Test-playing world.
It took the Kiwis 45 Tests and 26 years to win a match, though their competitiveness was clearly underlined by 22 draws in that barren period.
West Indies, subjected to innings defeats by England in their first three Tests in 1928, beat those opponents by 289 runs 18 months later and never looked back.
In recent times, Sri Lanka took a little time to find their feet in the early 80s before beating India at their 14th attempt.
Even Zimbabwe, now wallowing almost 11 years after their debut Test, were competitive from the outset.
A draw on Zimbabwe's maiden outing, in which India survived the follow-on by one run, was followed by another before they tasted victory over Pakistan nine matches later.
Bangladesh, meanwhile, look as close to a Test victory as the ICC is to admitting defeat and stripping them of Test status.
It is not Bangladesh's fault they are short on quality, but nor will it be Australia's fault when Test cricket is made to look like a farcical Roman pantomime in the coming weeks.
MMIX
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