BBC Sportcricket

England made South Africa bat twice but slipped to a 10-wicket defeat on day four of the second Test at Headingley.

Stuart Broad, who hit a superb unbeaten 67, and Darren Pattinson shared 61 for the final wicket to help England narrowly avoid an innings defeat.

Resuming on 50-2, Alastair Cook batted well for 60, but Kevin Pietersen and Ian Bell fell cheaply as Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel made England suffer.

The tourists knocked off the nine runs they needed to take a 1-0 series lead.

606: DEBATE Discuss the match on 606

By Ben Dirs

SOUTH AFRICA SECOND INNINGS

"So, over the two England innings Jimmy has the highest average, Broad top scores, and Vaughan only manages to outscore Monty. What say we pick 10 of those bowler chappies for the next match?"
Roger Brown in the TMS inbox

"I appreciate Vaughan is an excellent captain but his consistent poor cricketing form must start to be a worry, as must the fact that Broady gave the rest of the English batsmen a lesson. Surely it's time to give KP the step up to captain and ask serious questions of the 'top' order."
Nick, London, in the TMS inbox

"If Bell, Vaughan and Pietersen had scored anything SA might have had to sweat a little. Don't care what his average says, Bell has to go and not come back till he's grown a set. Vaughan should be given one last chance and Strauss thrown out once and for all. Bring back Simon Jones and Harmison, let Luke Wright have a go - or Mascarenhas. This team lacks a lot, but most of all it lacks cojones."
Simon, getting cleaned up by his 5-year-old playing beach cricket in Florida, in the TMS inbox

1827 - 9-0 Pattinson - can he run through them? No, McKenzie drops the ball down in front of him and South Africa scamper one. That's a 10-wicket hammering with a day to spare, England were a load of old rubbish. What do England do now? Personally I'd drop Pietersen - it makes perfect sense to drop the only player in your side who could genuinely be called world-class...

1825 - 3-0 Players are out and it's Broad to take the new ball for England. Not even a side containing Bradman, Botham, Richards, Warne, Ponting, Grace and a load of other really determined cricketers could pull this off. Broad drops short and is cracked off the back foot for three - six required. Another short one from Broad and McKenzie clumps him through square-leg for four - two to win. One more for McKenzie and Smith has the opportunity to hit the winning runs... but he can only prod it into the off-side for none.

ENGLAND SECOND INNINGS

1816: Broad has given the England selectors a bit of a dilemma - he was on his way to being dropped before that innings, but now, I'm not so sure...

"Hello Ben, I'm not sure eight is enough of a lead in order for England to have much of a chance here. What do you think?"
Stuart Matthews in the TMS inbox

"Can't believe they're prolonging the torture! I'm going to the Oval too - will see my fellow cricket-loving girls there."
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox

1807 - 326-9 England now need just one run to make South Africa bat again - is Broad Botham? Is Pattinson Dilley? Wait a minute, Pattinson hasn't read the ruddy script! HE THINKS HE'S BOTHAM! TWO HEAVES FOR FOUR TO MID-WICKET AND THE SAFFERS HAVE TO BAT AGAIN! Get the 12th man out there and remind Pattinson that he's Botham, Broad's Dilley! It's the 27th anniversary of the Botham/Willis miracle at Headingley, in case you were wondering...

1801 - 318-9 Ntini gets one to rear up at Broad but England's number eight stands tall and flicks him through mid-wicket for another four. Ntini tries a slow one but it ends up being nothing more than a slow full-toss and Broad piles into it, sending it on a little vacation to the wide long-on fence. That's the 50 partnership, Pattinson has just five of those.

1758 - 309-9 Pattinson swats at a leg-side Harris delivery and the ball dribbles down to fine-leg for two leg-byes. Pattinson lunges and is beaten outside off-stump, but he's still there and England only need 10 runs to make South Africa bat again.

1755 - 307-9 Two more for Broad with a steer into the off-side but that's a snorter from Ntini that scythes Broad in two and just misses the top of middle. Broad gouges out a yorker from Ntini before whipping the South African bowling veteran to the mid-wicket fence for another four. Broad now 58, Pattinson 5. Fill your boots Broady, and make the rest of your team ashamed.

1747 - 290-9 Pattinson flashes and misses at a wide one from Kallis. Broad drops to one knee and dabs Harris over his shoulder once more for one and that brings Pattinson on to face the spinner. The England debutant sees out the over.

"Gina (see below) if you're a bit of a minger you could perhaps go as Boy George or Pete Burns?"
Gareth Pugh in the TMS inbox

1737 - 289-9 Pattinson pulls out the driver but mis-times the shot and the ball ends up in no man's land at deep extra-cover. Cheeky from Broad, who stoops and dabs the ball down to fine-leg for two. Broad waits on a Harris delivery and eases him into the covers for a couple.

"In reply to Rachel and finding girls to go to Test matches with - I love my cricket and so do all my mates (girls obviously). We've got tickets for the fourth day of the fourth Test at the Oval. We are out there...perhaps you're not looking in the right place!"
Heather, London, in the TMS inbox

1732 - 283-9 Bumper from Steyn to Pattinson and the Notts seamer plays it well. Pattinson picks up a single before Broad displays Rolex timing, dabbing Steyn through mid-wicket for four with little or no effort. Steyn, in his haste to finish England off, is losing his line and Broad chips him away to long-leg for two more. A swing and a miss for Broad, but he's still there on 36.

"My (ex) girlfriend and I were having a quiet pint on a sunny day when we were suddenly accosted by a troupe of Morris Dancers who proceeded to spoil a quiet balmy afternoon. One of them waggled an empty pint pot at my girlfriend with the words, 'if you don't contribute, this will all die out', to which my ex drily replied, 'One can only hope'. Ouch."
Carl in the TMS inbox

1728 - 276-9 Kallis is back on and Broad punches him through mid-wicket for four to move to 26. Good shot that. And another from Broad, thrashing Kallis through the covers. Good, beery, late-afternoon entertainment.

"Actually, Einstein (see 1633) was working a mundane job in a patent office when he did most of the brain work for his big discoveries (e=mc2 etc). As an admin assistant in a pretty mundane job myself, I expect to formulate the theory of time travel fairly soon. Think my first port of call would be to travel to a time when England were the best cricket team in the world. Or am I just being ridiculous?"
Harry Rousham in the TMS inbox

1715 - 265-8 Broad twirls airily at a wide one from Morkel and is beaten. Morkel serves up a half-volley and is steered through the covers for two. One more for Broad to point,the Notts 'all-rounder' showing plenty of fight. Drinks...

1710 - 258-8 Gorgeous touch from Monty, squeezing Steyn to square-leg for two. England trail by 61 runs. Steyn offers some width and Panesar wafts at it like a man dusting his mantelpiece and is beaten.

1705 - 254-8 Morkel to Monty and Monty eases the rangy paceman down the ground for two. Panesar follows up with an elegant flip off his pads for one. That's another authentic shot from Broad, standing on tippy-toes and crashing Morkel wristily through backward-point to bring up England's 250. And that's another crackerjack shot from Broad, making the most of his height again and flashing Morkel to the long-off fence.

1700 - 242-8 Broad rocks back and flips Steyn through point for his first four. Sorry about the update delays, a few technical hitches. My nan would have called Dale Steyn "a nasty little tyke", and probably started waving her fist at the screen, as he tests out Broad with a spot of chin music. Steyn repeats the trick, with Broad simultaneously jumping and ducking into the ball.

1653 - 237-7 Boucher now has nine catches in this match, which is only two behind the world record of 11 by Jack Russell in Johannesburg in 1995. OOOOH! goes the BBC Sport website office as Flintoff smears Steyn through the covers for four, that was brutal. Flintoff pulls a short one from Steyn for two and he picks up one more with a clip to mid-wicket. Broad nurdles a single to square-leg. BOOOOF! Right in the slot from Steyn, and Flintoff puts some serious manners on that, hammering Steyn to the long-off fence before spinning round as if to make for a neutral corner. Flintoff blocks the next one and Steyn trots down to have a chat. Freddie gives no quarter... throw them some gloves and stick them in a ring, that would be one tasty match-up...

1650 - 225-7 Broad tucks Morkel off his hip for one before Flintoff picks Morkel off his toes and Ntini makes a good stop at mid-on to limit Freddie to one run.

"Come on guys, you haven't helped poor Gina (see below) very much, it is getting a little serious on the KP front. To keep it realistic pick someone you look like. If you have a 'large frame' - Alison Moyet; 'small frame' - Kylie Minogue (teenage version); weird staring eyes - Annie Lennox; hairy armpits - Nena, covered with 99 red balloons!"
Bored, Enfield, in the TMS inbox

1637 - 220-6 Ntini drops short and Flintoff climbs into that, marmalising the ball over the mid-wicket fence for six. That's not so convincing from Flintoff, driving uppishly through extra-cover for four. Freddie now has 26 from 82, Ambrose 36 from 89. This pair are highly unlikely to save this match, but all of a sudden it's a damned sight more interesting.

"A troupe of Morris dancers turned up at the pub on Christmas morning a few years ago, skipped around a bit clattering their sticks and then everybody bought them a pint. One of them told me it was their fourth pub of the morning, two more to go, and none of them had bought a drink yet! I could look like a wally for that, particularly as I get older... less interested in what others think, and much keener on generally having a laugh. Up yours to the style/image police, pass me that hanky, silly hat and bells! Let's get smashed!"
Doug Litt in the TMS inbox

1633 - 212-6 Hear hear Anon! (see below) I couldn't agree more. Although I'm not sure about your Einstein comment, he was probably discovering wormholes or something when all his mates were doing their O-Levels. Ambrose shows the maker's name and Steyn, stooping like an old lady picking up a piece of litter, lets it through for three. The new ball is coming off the bat nicely, England at least providing a few thrills since tea.

"I bet these same people who want KP dropped also never rated Gazza or criticise Ronnie O'Sullivan. These blokes are a dying breed and their genius should be rewarded not hammered the odd occasion they mess it up! At the end of the day even Einstein didn't get 100% in his GCSE maths test (Or O Levels or whatever all you oldies boring me about Boycott did back then!). Long Live KP!"
Anon in the TMS inbox

1627 - 208-6 Snorter from Ntini, getting one to lift and leave Ambrose and beat his outside edge. But that's a good comeback from Ambrose, square-driving for four to bring up the 50 partnership from 146 balls. Ambrose then gets a bit of luck, another attempted drive slicing between gully and slips and racing away for another four. Ntini changes to around the wicket and Ambrose tugs him round the corner to nick the strike.

1622 - 201-6 An ugly, skewed drive from Flintoff and he's beaten on the inside by Steyn. Flintoff forces Steyn into the off-side for a couple before finally unfurling his first boundary, a square-drive for four. That's England's 200 and Freddie is doing what he has to do. Good comeback from Steyn, beating Flintoff's outside edge.

1617 - 195-6 Ntini back into the attack. Flintoff stays back and prods the bowler into the off-side for a single. Ntini angles one into Ambrose's pads and is flicked through mid-wicket for four. That's a jaffer of a ball from Ntini and Ambrose plays at it before pulling his bat away with the ball already past him.

"Anyone remember 'Greavsie's Gaff'? An informal chat-show in the 80s, based in a studio done up to look like the kitchen of England goal-scoring legend Jimmy Greaves? They don't make TV like that anymore."
Dan Partridge, Farnborough, in the TMS inbox

1613 - 190-6 You can start emailing again now. South Africa take the new ball and Dale Steyn will have first bung with it. A crooked forward defensive from Ambrose and Steyn finds the gate. Ambrose drives airily at an away-swinging ball from Steyn and the ball takes the edge and flies over the man at gully and races to the third man fence. Streakier than a bag of Frazzles.

"'Gaff' meaning place of residence orginates from the Romany word meaning 'town'."
Tom, Amman, Jordan in the TMS inbox

1607 - 186-6 Ambrose picks up a couple with a drive for two. Ambrose drives on the up, but Amla makes a fine stop to limit him to two. It's Flintoff v Harris again, and how long can Freddie resist?

1604 - 184-6 Players are out after tea. Harris fizzes his first ball past Freddie's off stump and Flintoff can hang around no longer, the Big Man striding down the track and going for the big heave-ho over long-off... he mis-times the shot but the ball lands safely over Graeme Smith's head at deep extra-cover. You can't really blame Freddie, all this blocking of Harris must be agony for him, like Jack Nicholson rocking up to a Playboy pool party only to discover he hasn't brought his swimming cozzy. Flintoff runs two. Harris finds some rare turn with his final delivery and a lunging Flintoff is beaten all ends up.

"Re: the etymology of the word 'gaff'. My understanding is that it's short for the rhyming slang 'gaffer's mouse', meaning 'house'. The phrase is a throwback to the time when the boss of a workhouse would carry a mouse around to eat the cheese ration of any child worker who hadn't been pulling his weight. I could, of course, be talking complete gibberish."
Iain Kings in the TMS inbox

"We weren't having this debate last week when Pietersen scored a brilliant big hundred. Pietersen is a class player and one of the very few genuine match winners in the England side. The repeated failures of the likes of Strauss and Vaughan are a much bigger cause for concern than those of Pietersen."
Christopher Lamb in the TMS inbox

"My lasting memory of Peter Reid is him flying through the air in the 1985 FA Cup Final when Kevin Moran became the first player sent off in an FA Cup Final, very nearly breaking my eight-year-old heart. The big Jessie. PS Drop Pietersen? Are folk mad?"
Derrie, Gloucester, in the TMS inbox

"'gaff - slang for house or place. e.g. 'I'll meet you round my gaff in 10 minutes' and 'He was all over the gaff' (all over the place). Originates from the 19th century when a 'gaff' was a slang term for a fairground or place of cheap entertainment.'"
Nick, Henley-on-Thames, in the TMS inbox

1540 - 182-6 Morkel tests Ambrose out with a bumper, and the England wicket-keeper doesn't play it that well, the ball angled across and lifting sharply. Morkel drops short again and this time Ambrose is on it, swivelling and crashing the bowler to the backward square-leg fence. And that's tea time... 52 runs in that session, it's grim up in Headingley...STOP EMAILING FOR A BIT!

"Did someone mention Morris Dancing? I play in a punk/surf band and last week we were told to hurry up at a festival as the Morris Dancers would be on at 1630. I thought it was a Spinal Tap moment but no, the Morris Dancers arrived and we were told 'one more song' and then ushered off."
Paul, Project Aurora, in the TMS inbox

1535 - 176-6 Harris has a short leg, a silly mid-on and a short point in for Ambrose, it looks like a sticky dog in Brisbane... but only until Harris actually bowls... nice control, but no turn again and Ambrose sees off his six deliveries...

1531 - 176-6 Testing first delivery from Morkel, a bit of reverse swing and plenty of bounce and Ambrose looks slightly startled. Ambrose tries to fetch Morkel from outside off but doesn't make contact but he does get Morkel's last ball away, crashing him through point for four to move to 12 from 53 balls.

1529 - 171-6 Decent lbw appeal by Harris against Ambrose, but that was missing leg. Good control from Harris, but no real turn. Time for Morkel to return to the attack.

1526 - 168-6 Steyn over-pitches and Ambrose drives him through the covers for three welcome runs. Flintoff attempts a full-blooded cover-drive but doesn't quite get it, the ball dribbling to just short of the cover boundary for three. Steyn digs one in short to Ambrose and the little man drags him away for one.

"Re cat ' nine tails - When Sir Geoff was out at Headingley after scoring 265 against India, myself and a few other friends of his were straight out with him, at his request, on to the practice nets, bowling as best we could the similar ball he was out to. Dedication and practice is what made him one of the best batsman we have ever produced."
James, Yorkshireman exiled in Cornwall, in the TMS inbox

1520 - 161-6 Freddie against the spinner Harris now, and this could be interesting - I've never been convinced Flintoff knows what he's doing against the slow stuff. Flintoff smothers the over, and it's difficult to know how painful this must be for the Big Man.

1517 - 161-6 Steyn digs one in and Flintoff jerks underneath it rather creekily, like an elderly gentleman ducking under a boundary fence. Another short one from Steyn and this time Flintoff sways back and drops his hands. Steyn then serves one up on Freddie's pads and that's blessed relief, Flintoff clipping him away for a single, his first run for more than 30 minutes. Ambrose eases Steyn in the covers for one before Flintoff makes it 4-4 with an inside edge into the leg-side.

"About origin of 'gaff', meaning house - it's not Indian but theatrical. In the 19th Century it was used to describe a cheap and nasty temporary theatre. Early 20th century it also began to be used to describe a home. Cheers!"
Bill the Brit in the TMS inbox

1514 - 158-6 Harris is back on and Ambrose only just gets a slither of bat on his first delivery - Harris puffs out his cheeks, he thought Ambrose was going to miss that one. Harris has another couple of half-enquiries, but Ambrose sees him. Everyone waiting for the new ball now, which should come after tea.

"If the Red Baron sliced through the Belgian Air Force with 50 kills, then retired with a dented wing after a dust-up with the RAF over Hamburg, I'd question his dedication as well..."
Chris, Vermont, in the TMS inbox

1507 - 158-6 Flintoff stays back and to Steyn and gets a scratchy inside edge. I'm not sure I've ever seen Freddie this watchful, after refusing to play for the rest of that over he's scored two from 28 balls. Ntini bowling from wide of the crease and Ambrose turns him away for a single, and that's the first run from the bat for several overs. Flintoff stonewalls the rest of the over and this is cricket for the purists only...

1501 - 157-6 Ntini gets one to rear off a length and take Ambrose by surprise - it thuds into his gloves, but it was a no-ball. Vaughan, Strauss and KP have a bit of a chuckle up on the balcony. Not sure you'd ever have found Boycott laughing on the balcony in a situation like this, he probably would have been back in the dressing room flogging the back of his own thighs with a cat o' nine tails.

1457 - 156-6 There's Peter Reid up in the stands, having a little chuckle to himself. "At his peak, Reid was the finest midfield enforcer in Europe," roars Reid's wikipedia entry. Funny that, my lasting memory of Reidy is of him jogging next to Maradona as he waltzed past half the England team at the '86 World Cup. That's another maiden from Steyn, not much to report at the moment, Flintoff still happy to block.

"Pietersen at the Oval in 2005 was brilliant, and performances like that come hand in hand with occasional mistakes like today's performance. Fact is you need a team that balances out though, and if Pietersen is going to play like that the 'stayers' of the team need to stay a little longer."
Michael Wilton in the TMS inbox

1452 - 156-6 Good-looking shot that from Ambrose, but his square-drive is dealt with by the fielder at point. Ambrose gets on the front foot to Ntini but cracks the ball straight to a cover fieldsman. The ball finding the middle of Ambrose's bat, but he can't find any gaps in the field at the moment.

1448 - 156-6 Ambrose is finally off the mark with a clip into the leg-side for one and Freddie drags Kallis away for a single. Ambrose pushes Kallis into the off-side and scampers another easy single.

1444 - 153-6 Flintoff refusing to be drawn by Ntini's tempters outside off-stump and players take drinks. I'd wager, R (see below), that 'gaff' has its origins in India, as with a lot of London slang.

"This is all getting to you is it not, Master Dirs, and quite frankly you have a breathtaking nerve comparing Kevin Pietersen to Von Richtofen. VR was an aristocrat; educated; a man of honour and immensely courageous. I hardly think you could apply any of these adjectives to The Underbiter. I would go beyond dropping Pietersen, and revoke his eligibility. These Ersatz Englishmen are becoming immensely tiresome and do little more than make a great many people extremely angry."
Alan Orpin in the TMS inbox

"OK, Ben Dirs. Might as well get something from this abysmal day. Do you, or any of your cricketing correspondents, know the etymology of the slang term 'gaff', meaning a place of residence, please?"
Yer old inquisitor, R, in the TMS inbox

1441 - Flintoff almost gets tempted by an Ntini delivery just outside off but pulls his bat out of the way at the last second. Thick edge from Flintoff Nick (see below), of course you're right, Jim Davidson is a ruddy legend. Why the beastly BBC don't allow him to do his hilarious Chalky impression on TV any more is an absolute travesty.

1435 - 152-6Steve Eyre makes an interesting point via email - can anyone in the England dressing room handle Pietersen's ego? Can anyone in England handle Pietersen's ego? If only Brian Clough were still alive, he probably would have just punched him in the nuts when he got back to the dressing room and said nothing more about it. Ntini bowls out a maiden over, Ambrose wafting slightly at his last delivery. I'd only have less confidence of England saving this Test match if Bill Wyman and Eric Clapton were out in the middle.

"Long live Sir James Davidson, and God save us from the right-on PC BBC..." Nick, Derby, in the TMS inbox

1427 - WICKET - Cook c Amla b Kallis 60, Eng 152-6
That's Cook gone, attempting to turn Kallis off his legs and only succeeding in spooning a catch to Amla at cover. He doesn't take too many wickets any more Kallis, but he pitches in with his fair share of big ones. Freddie up next, you can start packing away your sangers... Flintoff blocks out the over. All we can hope for now is a big of crash, bang, wallop from the Big Man...

1420 - 152-5 A bizarre break in play as a couple of stewards are sent into the crowd to tell some chap wearing a pair of Ray-Ban Aviators to stop wiggling them, Eric Morecambe style, and deflecting the sun onto the pitch. I must apologise for my Tommy Cooper comment earlier on - it wasn't clever or funny. In mitigation, I can only say these things happen very occasionally when you're scrabbling around for a metaphor with wickets clattering all around you. I have now replaced the comment with something about Jim Davidson. No-one reading this likes him... do they?

"Suggestion for Not Foodle the musical: 'She'll be Chow Mein Round the Mountain When She Comes'."
Tom Wheeler, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox

"For Gina from Gloucester, how about moving on a decade, dressing up as a horse, and going as Gina Gee Gee?"
Colin Allcars, Newport, in the TMS inbox

1418 - 150-5 Cook stays back to Kallis and cracks him through cover point for four. That was begging to hit, but it was still a crackerjack shot. Cook now on 60 - no real pressure now, he might as well fill his boots here and play himself into some form.

1410 - 146-5 Kallis drops short and Cook is onto it in a flash, rolling his wrists and lacing him away for four. Just seen a few replays of that catch, you cannot overstate its brilliance. Morkel goes around the wicket to Cook and the Essex man goes to pull before aborting mid-shot. Umpire Bowden has a little chat with Morkel at the end of his over, presumably for running on the pitch.

1400 - 140-4 Still the emails flood in calling for Pietersen's head. I can't quite get my head round it to be honest. Presumably if they had been in charge of the German Luftwaffe during the First World War, they would have called the Red Baron down from the skies, told him to stop mucking about so much and demoted him to the canteen. Kallis bowls an uneventful maiden.

1356 - 140-4 Bell punches Morkel to mid-wicket and runs up a couple. Morkel digs one in outside Bell's off-stump and the Warwickshire man drops his hands.

"Pietersen is an irresponsible show pony and his unwillingness to bat for the team will cost England not just this game, but many more to come unless England either curb his tendencies or compensate by picking more resilient batters than Strauss, Vaughan, Ambrose and Flintoff whose combined contributions to this innings will fall a long way short of what is required."
Ian Gray in the TMS inbox

"What about replacing 'Voulez Vous' (by Abba) with 'Pot Noddle'? It does work and the structure adds to the flexibility: 'Pot Noo-dle...Ah-ha! Just add boiling water...Ah-ha! And the flavour sachet...Ah-ha! Always tasty...no regrets!' I am actually very busy at work."
Ben, Swindon, in the TMS inbox

1353 - 137-4 Bit too straight from Kallis and he's whipped away to square-leg for one by Bell... Boycott's turned his guns on the BBC now...

"Dale Steyn said something interesting after the first day - 'you just have to play on Pietersen's ego'..."
Neil Manthorp on TMS

1348 - 136-4 Cook moves to his fifty with a neat clip through point for four. Took 148 deliveries, good knock that. Boycs laying into modern cricket writers now, and he just said a rude word. Wide from Morkel, the ball ballooning high over Cook's head.

"Ben Dirs, oh, dear, oh, dear. Your excruciating commentary is now becoming irritating in the extreme. Where did you learn your cricket, from the back pages of the Daily Cliche? 'Pouching the feather?' What is that, some kind of perverse sexual practice, or are you trying to convey something to do with the cricket? For crying out loud man, just report the action, and try to avoid the kind of witless prose best left to lesser so-called journalists. What you are purporting to serve up as commentary is simply sad - it's not clever and it's not funny. How did you get into the BBC? Did you climb in through an open window?"
Yours, wondering just how my licence fee really is spent, in the TMS inbox

1344 - 135-4: Right, players are back out after lunch and we'll have play in a couple of minutes. It's Pietersen slayer Kallis to continue, Cook will face his first delivery. Cook nurdles one for a single, and there's a bit of inswing there. Some extraordinary emails coming in, some, including one from Stephen Hirst, calling for Pietersen to be dropped. Extraordionary stuff. Just one from Kallis's over.

"I just searched for songs with the word 'noodle' in the title and all that came up was 'Shanghai Noodle Factory' by Traffic. Anyone else got any songs for inclusion in Pot Noodle: The Musical?"
Neil, Slough, in the TMS inbox

"Ben - Thanks to your publication of my email earlier, I now have two offers of a ticket at Edgbaston next Friday, one with the corporates, the other with some girlfriends who unexpectedly have a spare. They are going as 80's pop stars!? Which one should I go for?"
Gina, Gloucestershire, in the TMS inbox

1317: Stop sending! Off for some lunch, during which I will dwell upon whether KP is a ruddy idiot who should have got his nut down and knuckled down for 10 minutes or whether, as England's only player who ever seems to do anything much, he is beyond reproach...

"Re Dan's query about who gets to pour boiling water over the cast of Pot Noodle: The Musical - surely this is simply the traditional role of the scathing theatre critic, lamenting the usual West End dross. Although I'd like to imagine this particular production will simply be too lyrically sophisticated and emotionally powerful to allow for anything other than wonder and delight from such journos."
Greg, Southwark, in the TMS inbox

"I used to work at the Institute of Cancer Research in South Kensington, and when I started was informed that if I must smoke, could I please not lean on the sign/logo outside the front entrance. Apparently it was bad for their image."
Jay, Cardiff, in the TMS inbox

"Can anyone explain why don't they make mouse flavoured cat food?"
Wilf, France, in the TMS inbox

"With KP's testosterone-filled cameo now done and dusted, and Ian Bell not likely to get a hundred as only Cook is left to get one before him (Belly only scores one when someone else does first), Ambrose a sitting duck and Flintoff only just back in, I'd say it's done and dusted for the Saffas. I'll just get me coat."
Joss, Paris, in the TMS inbox

1258 - 130-4 Ian Bell is the new man and he's got the weight of a nation on his narrow shoulders. He sees out the rest of Kallis's over. Bell is off the mark with a clip off his legs for one. Cook snatches a quick single after a fend to short fine-leg and there are four leg-byes off Bell's left thigh. That's luncheon - Cook 46, Bell 1, England still 189 behind and staring down the barrel, frankly they're toast... STOP EMAILING FOR 40 MINUTES, I CAN'T KEEP UP!

"That's why KP isn't a top class Test match batsmen (a la Ricky Ponting or Brian Lara), because he bats for himself and not the team or situation."
Nick Ellis in the TMS inbox

"Morris Dancing is seriously underrated both as a spectacle and an enjoyable past-time. It represents one of many good things about England. It is often derided by people who prefer to spend their bank holidays in their local D.I.Y store or in a traffic jam."
Anon, Essex, in the TMS inbox

1247 - 119-3 Steyn serves up a lollipop to Pietersen first ball, and KP turns it round the corner for four. Sweet. And that's a rank half-bunger from Steyn next ball and Pietersen just leans into his shot and the ball races through wide mid-on for four. This could be a tasty little period of cricket - if I was Steyn, I don't think I'd like Pietersen very much.

"Joe Cocker would eat Placido Domingo for breakfast, literally."
Tom, Dublin, in the TMS inbox

1243 - 105-2 Cook turns Harris off his legs to fine-leg for two - England's 100 and the 50 partnership. Cook rocks back and carves Harris through the covers for three and Anderson picks up one to square-leg.

1237 - 99-2 Anderson is staying out there, and although it's not quite up there with Douglas Bader battling the Luftwaffe with no legs, it's pretty heroic nonetheless. He gets right in behind Steyn's next delivery and does the same with the next. But that's a classic ball from Steyn, beating Anderson all ends up with a yorker, only for the ball to miss the stumps. A 12 -minute over, and that's some mean bowling from Steyn... and I like it a lot: Test match cricket without a nasty fast bowler is like pantomime without a villain...

"Agree with you about modern Britain - only yesterday I took my four-year-old to a 'teddy bears picnic', which consisted of story telling and hunt the teddy bear, all accompanied by the child-friendly tones of Amy Winehouse. Pillar of the community in modern Britain apparently..."
John, Chester, in the TMS inbox

1234 - 99-2 A five minute break as Anderson is treated and when they restart, Steyn dredges up an absolute horror story delivery that rears up off a length, ducks back and strikes Anderson in the cheek. He's obviously protected by a grill, but that probably hurt a bit. Anderson hits the deck and there's real concern here, but he looks to be OK after some treatment from the England medical staff. He can move his cheek, but he should probably go off to be honest. Steyn really has a head of steam up, he's Headingley's angriest man. Just seen the slo-mo reply of that delivery - the way Anderson ducked away from that ball, it was like seeing a boxer turning away from a vicious uppercut.

1230 - 99-2 Anderson has a flay at a widish one from Steyn and he's furious with himself there, either because he should have put manners on it or because he should have ignored it completely. Steyn's got the hump now, Anderson is obviously irritating him, and he digs in a nasty bumper which strikes Anderson on the left wrist. Anderson hurt there, on comes the physio...

1223 - 99-2 Anderson doing very well against Steyn, keeping in behind the ball nicely apart from on one occasion when the ball nibbled and he was beaten. Anderson has a go at a tempter from Harris but is beaten, but that's a doozy of a drive, the Lancashire man easing Harris through the covers for four to move to 24. He follows up with another pearling drive through the covers and that's his highest score in Tests. He surpasses it next ball with a flick off his pads for one, and this is a nuggety little effort from Anderson.

"Something to cut through the doom and gloom - English cricketers will be attempting a world record next April by playing a T20 match near Base Camp at Mt Everest and hoping to raise �250k for charity in the process. I'm sure you'll want to know more..."
Nick, London, in the TMS inbox

1218 - 89-2 That's a maiden over from Steyn and he looks to have found a nice rhythm this morning. That said, no great dramas for the England batsmen so far, although Cook is beaten by Steyn's final ball. Just one from Harris's over, a tuck into the leg-side by Anderson.

1209 - 88-2 Cook gets off strike from Harris's first ball, Anderson stays solid for the rest of the over. As a police siren goes off in the background, rather destroying the relative idyll within the ground, I am reminded of a fine snapshot of modern Britain I witnessed at the weekend. On Saturday I attended a village fete in Norfolk. Cakes for 50p, a tombola, bash the rat, and a children's dance troupe - dancing largely to tracks by Missy Elliott. Am I turning into Mary Whitehouse or was I right to feel slightly disturbed watching 10-year-old kids simulate sexual intercourse while their parents looked on and beamed? Saying that, what's the alternative, Morris Dancing? Now they look like proper wallies.

1206 - 87-2 Steyn follows down the pitch after serving up a bumper to Anderson and Anderson looks slightly startled, as if he's a dog and Steyn has just blown in his face. Anderson ducks under another Steyn bouncer before missing with an attempted cover-drive. Right in the slot that, Steyn giving Anderson the old one-two. Anderson does get Steyn away for a couple, but the South African paceman strikes back, getting one past the edge up Anderson's upright bat. Good over that. Vic Marks on TMS reckons Anderson bats a bit like David Gower, which is a bit like saying Joe Cocker sings a bit like Placido Domingo.

"Canada's most well-known anti-smoking activist? Barb Tarbox. You can't make this stuff up."
David Cumming, Llandeilo, in the TMS inbox

1159 - 85-2 Saffer skipper Smith sends in spinner Harris. Boycs reckons he "couldn't bowl a hoop down a hill", which isn't very nice. Anderson sweeps his first ball for one and Cook is watchful for the rest of the over. Not much turn from Harris, time for drinks.

"I'm looking forward to Pot Noodle: The Musical now. Who gets to pour boiling water over the cast?"
Dan, London, in the TMS inbox

1156 - 84-2 It's Steyn time... he begins around the wicket to Cook, with two slips and a gully. Cook turns him away for a couple. Steyn gets one to jag back sharply and there are strangled appeals for caught behind, but the ball flicked Cook's thighpad. Lively opening over from Steyn, Anderson won't fancy facing him.

"I would challenge your earlier definition of a nightwatchman there Ben. They serve a higher purpose. A nightwatchman to use a metaphoric example is the heroic lowly ranked officer who throws himself on top of a flung grenade in order to save and protect the generals and true brains of the conflict. However, seeing the way England have played in this game the generals (the England Batsmen) have all collective skill and ability of the proverbial General Melchett and Anderson is playing like Baldrick."
Umran S in the TMS inbox

1152 - 82-2 If you're up in Leeds today, get yourselves down to Headingley, it looks half empty. Even if England get splattered, you'll be able to tell your grandkids that you saw Darren Pattinson bat. Cook turns Kallis neatly off his pads for one to move to 35.

1148 - 81-2 Cook and Anderson exchange quick singles, and Cook fends to point and nicks another couple, including an overthrow. Risky stuff from this pair. One more from Cook courtesy of a nudge into the covers and this pair are ticking over nicely at the moment.

"This may be a bit brutal, but I'd drop five players permanently: Vaughan, Strauss, Collingwood, Ambrose and Anderson. The team are too comfortable and have been consistently poor with only the occasional big contribution saving them from the chop. But no-one has the nerve to do this so all the above five will be on the receiving end of a whitewash against the Aussies next summer..."
A despairing Alex in Manchester in the TMS inbox

1144 - 75-2 That's a creamy stroke from Anderson, Kallis offering width and the Lancashire man carving him through point for four. Two more for Anderson with a clip off his pads and he moves to 15.

1139 - 70-2 Cook turns Ntini off his hip for one. Ntini is really getting some lift off the Headingley deck as he gets a couple of deliveries to really take off and leave Anderson. Anderson pushes into the off-side and takes a quick single, and a direct throw from Steyn would have done for the Lancashire man. Fortunately for England, Steyn just misses and the ball races away for five runs.

1135 - 64-2 Kallis is thrown the ball early and that's a loose old opening over from the big man. Anderson chased his first delivery, which swung away slightly, but does pick up a couple with a deflection to gully.

1131 - 62-2 Gina (see below), something to cheer you up? I've got something darkly comic from the weekend. I was standing at Liverpool Steet station and I noticed five midde-aged women wearing pink wigs and T-shirts bearing the legend Together We Can Beat Cancer. The only thing was, they were all smoking tabs. Remarkable. Ntini steaming in from around the wicket to Cook and he's really looking spritely today. Cook gets a thick outside edge to gully, but it was all along the ground. Cook does pick up a couple with a paddle to square-leg.

"My boss is grumpy today because he crashed his car at the weekend, my work colleague and cricket friend Jane is off sick, I broke one of my heels coming to work this morning, and the cricket looks gloomy. Oh, and it's Monday. Trying to think of something to cheer me up and struggling?! Please please please help!"
Gina, Gloucestershire, in the TMS inbox

1126 - 60-2 Anderson squirts Morkel to cover point for a single, and the crowd react as if he's just won England the Ashes back after a gap of 84 years. That's sweet timing from Cook, just showing the maker's name and easing Morkel through the covers for three. Harris was the fielder, and he did very well to hunt that ball down and drag it in.

1121 - 56-2Linda has asked me to explain the point of a nightwatchman. Basically Linda, it's when the top order batsmen in your team haven't got any spunk so they have to send one of their little mates out to fight the bullies instead. Just the one no-ball from Ntini, Cook solidly behind all seven balls.

1117 - 55-2 Morkel giving Anderson a bit of a working over, mining that line just outside off-stump and watching the batsman squirm. Anderson gets a juicy half-bunger to hit and his eyes light up like Blackpool Tower, but he misses with his leaden-footed swish. Anderson has a go at the next one and again finds thin air.

"RE Pot Noodle: The Musical, any suggestions as to who might play the Bombay Bad Boy?"
Richard in the TMS inbox

1108 - 54-2 Ntini back over the wicket to Anderson and he arcs his first two balls across the face of the fencing batsman. Ntini appears to have found his mojo, it was probably in Mike Gatting's lunch box. Anderson beaten again outside off and it seems to be just a matter of time before England are three down. Ntini goes round the wicket again and Anderson nicks the strike with a thick outside edge.

"Good grief, what a bunch of pessimistic so-and-sos. All we need to do is bat out today, get a couple of hundred ahead with our world-class middle order and Monty will do the rest. Oh, I see what you mean."
JP, Notts, in the TMS inbox

1104: England's first run of the day, a single from Cook, and they add a leg-bye off Anderson's thigh pad. Do you ever get that thing where you're reading something in the paper and have to check the date because you think it might be 1 April? I had that this morning when I read in the Metro that there are plans afoot to put Pot Noodle: The Musical on stage. Remarkable, although I reckon Michael Ball would make a very imposing sachet of soy sauce.

1100: That's a jaffer from Ntini, the ball launching off a length and leaving Anderson to prod tentatively at the ball. Ntini decides to have a go from round the wicket in an attempt to make Anderson play at the ball. Decent yorker from Ntini, he's making Anderson look like Mr Magoo in this first over. But the Lancashire paceman survives, job done as far as he's concerned.

1057: Here's Jerusalem! Let's all have a sing-song! We may as well, England are probably going to get slapped all over the Headingley turf today. Here come the players, it's Anderson the nightwatchman to face the first ball from Ntini, who seems to have found some form from somewhere.

"England had a poor first innings and have been under pressure in this match ever since. Write this match off and start again next Test." Kapnag on 606

"Call me a pessimist, but I can't help feeling it could be a very short day at the office for you, Mr Dirs. Still, at least the selectors' dropping of Collingwood (70-odd not out for Durham yesterday), and subsequent promotion of Ambrose to six hasn't completely back-fired. OK, you can call me a pessimist if you want."
Dan, North Yorks, in the TMS inbox

1052: My co-commentator Mark Mitchener apparently intimated that I might bring England luck today. He forgets that I covered England in Australia two winters ago and last year's World Cup. As far as England are concerned, I'm about as lucky as a dark alley strewn with dog mess.

"It's a colossal task, but can England do it?" says TMS's Henry Blofeld. "I doubt it," replies a brutally honest Vic Marks.

1045: One thing is for certain, England's selectors are going to lock themselves in a dark room and have a big think about the make-up of their side for the rest of this series and beyond. They are carrying too many passengers in my opinion, with half their batting order unable to buy a run, and this Pattinson chap doesn't look much cop to me. The good news for England's batters is that it's a peachy looking day up in Leeds, so they've got no excuses there.

"I think Vaughan's all over the place, especially with his feet. His confidence is very, very low and he's all over the place at the crease."
Former England batsman David Lloyd (nicked off of Sky... sorry, TMS hasn't started yet...)

1040: All right? Not going very well for England, is it? The home side are 50-2 in their second innings and still 269 runs behind, they've got a serious task on their hands even to survive the day. Pietersen won't be cowed, he's the sort of man who would attack a couple of tooled-up burglars in the buff with only a badminton racquet as a weapon.