You May Now Turn Over Your Papers

Welcome everybody, to the Radio 4 exam on exams. Write on one side of the paper only. If we catch you cheating you will be escorted out of the internet. If you need the lavatory raise your hand and we’ll pretend we can’t see you until you’re on the verge of exploding. Good luck.

Question 1

Answering as a volume, how much of the oxygen in the examination hall is taken up with the invigilator’s coffee breath?

Question 2

Translate the following into French: “I will still be having nightmares about this French grammar exam when I am 48 and I will dream I am doing it dressed only in my underpants.”

Question 3

Explain the following: 51% of boys and 49% of girls take A-levels. However, on results day, the front pages of every newspaper only features girls jumping up and down. Show your working.

Question 4

Illustrate the diagram of the human body with all major organs and rude words.

Question 5

Do you have the answers to this exam secreted

a) up your nose
b) on your cuff
c) in the pocket of your other trousers, unfortunately

Question 6

Show, as a range, the amount of revision you actually did, compared with the amount of revision you told your friends you did. This should be at least 70% less than you told your parents you did.

Question 7

What unit is used to measure the noise from the stomach of the girl sitting next to you?

Question 8

Pick a scene from one of Shakespeare’s comedies. Get it hopelessly muddled with Game of Thrones. Cry.

Question 9

‘Everyone in this examination hall has asked for more paper. Five people have already finished. Why does this make you feel quite so inadequate? Discuss.’

Pens down, please. Leave the hall quietly and assemble on the steps, to scream.