Disability Bitch: Superhero

Readers, there's been a lot of noise this week about disabled superheroes.

First, there are the daring soldier types: Prince Harry has gone to Norway to train with some disabled veterans who are trekking to the North Pole in an attempt to raise money for other people in their position. Will they make it?

Second, some fictional examples: Jessica Thom has created a character called Touretteshero; a superpowered alter ego who shares her impairment. She'll be starting a new blog featuring her adventures soon.

The soldiers and our 'touretter' are hot on the heels of Silver Scorpion, the disabled Muslim superhero who can be found in a new comic book created collaboratively by children in Syria and the US (I didn't expect that alliance either, for what it's worth).

My most impressive 'power' is my uncanny ability to eat a dozen doughnuts in under a minute then vomit at the feet of particularly irritating Normals. You'll appreciate that - much as I have nothing against injured soldiers - my personal style is more akin to the patent blue-suited Touretteshero than it is to those marching through the Arctic. And by the way, didn't they stop making Beyond Boundaries years ago? Just askin'.

I do rather like the idea of disabled people performing incredible feats, but I don't think they necessarily need be superhuman ones. Readers, I think we should embrace the unique features of our impairments when creating our superhero identities. Do you suppose anyone anywhere in the world has ever written that sentence before?

Think of all the different ways Disableds could save the world. Take, for example, the aforementioned Tourette's star. Were she a real superhero and not a fictional blog character - and for obvious reasons I definitely don't dislike those - is it not possible that her super skill would be to surprise enemies into submission with her unexpected tics?

I, for one, would deploy my cerebral palsy startle reflex to temporarily disable my enemies. These sudden movements caused by sudden noises, have bruised the nether regions of many doctors in my time. No one knows they're coming, not even me. It's the power of the unexpected!

My other skill, one which has taken over three decades of being disabled to perfect, is ... falling over. I feel sure my ability to squash enemies by toppling on top of them after tripping on nothing more than an ever so slightly uneven pavement surface, will have my nemeses cowering in fear.

Then there's The Deaf. Please bear with me on this one. Everyone knows the greatest advantage of being unable to hear is that you can sit through the terrible trials of the Eurovision Song Contest without wishing you were deaf, if you're deaf. Hearing Impaired Boy would surely floor his opponents by blasting out previous compositions by UK entrants until they begged for mercy, yet remain utterly untouched and unphased by the audio onslaught.

I'm not directly having a go at the 2011 UK offering from the legends that are Blue, but I was listening to it as I fell asleep last night and woke up at 3am screaming in agony. They should count themselves lucky I'm not going to sue.

But who's this coming over the horizon? Hearing Impaired Boy should beware the powers of Deaf Blind Woman: a hero whose navigational skills are so advanced she's learnt to navigate the London Underground without constant reference to maps - well, the one I know has, anyway.

All Blue Badge holders know that our ability to park in priority spots around Europe gives us an unassailable advantage over our enemies, at least when it comes to getting tables in restaurants or being at the front of the queue when the sales begin.

Last night I was discussing these superhero ideas with a chum whose very special condition causes incontinence; I don't think I want to share what she said her super power would be.

The thing is, readers, I think we should stop thinking of our disabilities and disadvantages, and start thinking of the ways in which we can use our unique specialisms to save the world. You're beautiful, you know. Special, in fact. Don't forget it. Take it from me. You're not rubbish, well you're not UTTER rubbish. Well, when dosed up and after a good night's sleep you can occasionally cut the mustard if it's not too cold outside. Oh just make sure you annoy the Normals with whatever super power you adopt, OK?

This week on Twitter, I shared a few of my less successful dating experiences using the #disabilitydating hashtag, and gained dozens of devoted followers. I asked my social networking friends what superpowers they'd like, and one said he'd like his wheelchair to levitate. Hmm. Come and waste time with me on Facebook or Twitter. Double kudos if you inspire my next column.