Big Blue Riding Hood
By Thomas Jordan, age 12, from Harpole
Once upon a time there was a very little girl called Big Blue Riding Hood, but her friends called her Big Blue. She had a chubby face with dimples when she smiled. She usually wore a mini skirt and her hippy top with swirls. Many a day, she would go out to pick flowers for her Grandma because in return she normally gets a slice of chocolate gateau and a sip of Grandma's extra strong Fire Whiskey.
One day when Big Blue was picking her favourite flowers, she came across a wolf disguised as a postal worker.
"What are you doing here?" said Wolf from the darkness of a gnarled oak tree. "It's awfully dangerous around here."
The sunlight glistened on the stream that passed between them. On Wolf's side there were trees that were black and twisted with only toads, rats and cockroaches living there. On the other side, Big Blue was the picture of perfection, with leaves that were green, rich grass and furry little critters running along everywhere.
Big Blue smiled a chubby smile." Why, I'm going to Grandma's house to visit."
Wolf got an idea. He could get to grandma's house before Big Blue did, and eat them both. He hadn't eaten for simply days.
"Well little one, run off now," said wolf and as quick as a fox he took the shortcut to grandma's house (which was actually longer than her way there).
When Wolf finally arrived, he realised he didn't have enough time to barbecue Grandma. So, after inviting himself in, he kicked her out in the kindest way possible.
"Get the heck out of here," barked Wolf as he kicked her out. He threw her suitcase at her, just clipping her around the ear. "And stay out!"
Grandma looked flabbergasted, which was quickly replaced, by burning hot rage. She picked herself off her gravel path and cursed under her breath.
"One of these days, one of these days, BAM, ZOOM, right in the kisser," she said as she motioned with her good fist. She stalked off to get a job as a bus driver.
Wolf acquainted himself around the house as he changed into grandma's dressing gown. He found out that she mostly owned Victorian period things as well as: an electric guitar, lava lamp, the three leading game consoles and a flat screen telly (with inbuilt pizza-maker).
Just as he put on Grandma's pink fluffy slippers (Wolf was tempted to bite the rabbits heads off) Big Blue knocked at the door.
"Come in." Wolf cleared his throat and put on his woman's voice "come in" said Wolf again in a ridiculously high voice. He then realised he was playing an old person. "Come in," he repeated in a voice that sounded like a throat full of drawing pins. Only Wolf and a near extinct type of blowfish off the Australian coast could do that and blowfish can't talk. Very much.
Big Blue came in and put the flowers in a vase she got on an Antique Road Show special. She looked at wolf.
She realised there was something wrong so she asked him some questions. How she didn't notice a wolf in a pink silk nightgown beats me.
"Why Grandma, what funny glasses you have," she said. "I told you should have gone to Specsavers!"
"Why Grandma, what a hairy face you've got," Big Blue asked inquiringly. "Why didn't you use those Mach 3s I gave you? It will be the closest shave you ever have!"
"Why Grandma, what smelly breath you have," Big Blue asked, "Why didn't you use that new Colgate I gave you?"
Then finally
"Why Grandma what a sharp teeth you've got!" She said to the wolf
"All the better to stuff you in there, my sweet!" All of a sudden he ripped off his clothes and leaped off the bed. He waited.
"This is the part where you run away from me," to a still standing Big Blue, who had no idea what she was meant to be doing.
So they ran and they ran and they ran, just like out of a Benny Hill sketch. It also helped that Big Blue trod on the remote and turned on the Television (with in built pizza-maker) to Benny Hill. They broke the kitchen table in addition to breaking the loudspeakers while running near the microphone; smashed the glowing orb: spilt Grandmas special beer not counting the burning of her secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
After a bit more pointless running, Big Blue hid in Grandma's extreme sports closet. In there she found Grandma's boxing gloves. She slipped them on and leapt into battle with Wolf the only way she knew how. She used a mix of WWF moves, Matrix style moves (including bullet time) and Batman captions. Wolf did the best he could but he was no match for a six year-old girl. Finally she gave him one last biff out the door.
Wolf was so afraid that he ran to the nearest bus stop that went to the city of Anywhere But Here. He showed his bus pass to the original Grandma. She recognised the ugly mug staring at her. She distracted him for a while then got her other pair of boxing gloves out. Just as she promised he got a BAM, ZOOM, right in the kisser.
"I told him one of these days he'd get a BAM, ZOOM right in the kisser!"
That was the end of Wolf who flew south to Mexico to enjoy a life of peace and prosperity. So he lived happily ever after.
Grandma continued her job as a bus driver until she realised she could use the money she earned to buy a mansion. So she lived happily ever after.
But Big Blue disappeared until she resurfaced as Britney Spears and became rich. She bought the mansion Grandma lived in and made her pay rent. So she lived happily ever after. |
