1. The Vague View
When I eat I like to eat steak, really bloody rare steak that gives me a blood lust and makes me want to growl.

Well I would equate playing on the Nokia N-Gage on FIFA 2004 very much like feeling that lust, but in a hand eye, not a foot mouth kind of a way. Tape worms aside, although FIFA 2004 is the best thing since sliced bovine, the rest of the games seem like quorn topped with tofu with a bit of sliced radish on the side.

Splinter Cell and Rayman (although Utility assures me that Rayman is great) are a pile of cack.

Splinter Cell allows you to do exactly what Jet Set Willy used to do back in '83, only now you have bullets and like to play hide and seek, pretty difficult when your bullets are bigger than you are.

When I bought a Game Gear a few years ago and finished Shinobi, this sort of thing felt like fun but I've been spoilt since then and anything less than 3D just won't do. I am dying to get my hands on Doom.

The Ed and myself recently visited the nation's capital for the launch of the new N-Gage. It was in Leicester Square, great name for an area and an absolutely great event with dry ice, star trek seats and really fit birds all over the place. They had some really good new games on show, the most notable of which was Ashen. There was a Paul Hogan look-alike among the dry ice guiding me through the game. It was quite enjoyable doom style action but then I looked across the room and clocked a couple of blonde beauties directing people through Tiger Woods 2004, so I soon grew tired of Ashen and ran over to Tiger Woods. This is great fun for a while until they've finished showing me how to do it.

I've been using the N-Gage as an everyday phone for a few weeks now and as you would imagine, everybody wants to play with it either at work or out socialising and the general consensus is that it is a very valid gaming platform but it's a little bit embarrassing making phone calls as you look like a Ferenghi with one ear.

This system is worth owning for FIFA 2004 alone and although other titles have failed to impress, Nokia are really serious about making this phone work, and they are very quick to respond to criticism.

I'd rather like to keep mine.

Dave Vague

2. The Utility Report
I remember when this came out it got absolutely slated in the press. The mobile phone lot (or weirdoes as they will here after be referred) complained that it wasn't a phone. The games lot complained just the reverse - that it was only a phone with a games console thrown in as an after thought. Which just goes to show you - you can't please all the people etc.

I'm sure you'll have read Vagues take on the N-Gage as a console but it's so much more than this. I think it's fair to sum up the N-Gage with the following statement;

It's a computer in your hand.

It's not the best or most powerful of these devices. I know this because the Kid is obsessed with his mobile and has told me he has 'The best available on the market' (yes he really does say things like that). Unfortunately his mobile looks like a particularly unattractive silver clamshell brick and it smells - which the N-Gage most certainly does not. You may look stupid when you talk on it but for all other applications I think it looks rather swish.

There are so many features on this thing that it's fair to say I've only used about 10% of them. You can get your email on it, play MP3's (whatever they are) M-Pegs etc etc. Judging from what I have used (and having previously had what can only be described as a 'budget mobile') I can say that it's a great texting machine, the radio works very well and as a games machine it's not as god as the GBA. It's undeniably more powerful but the games just aren't up to the standard of Nintendo's best and the screen is tiny.

However, and you may find this controversial, I think this makes more sense than the GBA. Why? Well how often do you leave the house without your phone? I'll tell you when - when you forget to pick it up that's when! The GBA on the other hand you have to make the effort to pick up before you leave leading to mass frustration if you're as absent minded as me.

Which just leaves me with one question - why do people keep ringing me on my games console? - Idiots!!

Phil Utility