My fiancé, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

So I choose to get married to my beautiful wife 15 years ago. We now share everything, I even showed her how to drive although kept complaining that the car wouldn’t start in the bottom of the lake.

We eat out at least twice a week. She goes Tuesdays I go Thursdays.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

I said to my wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

She then placed an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

After all that we had a son he grew up fast and started asking those awkward questions, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" so I replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I learned quickly in that if you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

My wife is always claiming equality I say women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

She told me I should be more affectionate but complained when I got two girlfriends.

Marriage is still the most expensive way to way to get your washing, cooking ironing and cleaning done for free.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Alas man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.