Lights, Camera, Action!
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today, within the private and intimate surroundings of the world wide web, to pay our lasting and sincere respects to the aquatic legend: Christophe the Goldfish. Now much has been documented about Christophe's stellar rise from the tough streets of Birmingham to finding his place amongst the nation's heart. We are also all-too-familiar with the tales of his excessive demands, wild erratic behaviour and (let us not forget) the countless "kiss-and-tell" groupie stories that have since emerged from his underwater lair.
But behind all the hype, the glitz and the glamour, Christophe was indeed an original, a one-off who brought much joy to the people wherever he went. So large was the outpouring of grief when the news broke, that calls have been made for there to be a national day of mourning and for books of condolences to be made available at all good aquariums. You see, Christophe proved to us all that even a little malnourished goldfish with a runny tummy, can make it out of the hood with just a dream and become a star.
However, there have been rumours circulating the events that led up to his tragic passing. Some say that he had deep underworld shark connections from which he couldn't truly escape from. Others say that he was involved in a secret rivalry with Russell's cat Morrissey in a bitter competition for attention. In fact during this past week (while we've been using Tim Westwood's studios at Radio 1 to record) we received an exclusive track featuring Christophe's distinct vocals ominously rapping about his own demise......curiouser and curiouser(!)
Russell was in a much more of an upbeat mood this week (despite this sorrowful news) and seems to be settling in abroad. Our Man in Hawaii has been talking to all sorts of movie moguls and has now decided that he wants to produce a film...... the only problem is that he doesn't have a script (a minor detail in Russell's eyes!) or any footage. Now I have seen some of Russell's earlier home-made movie efforts (from many years ago) and honestly, I can't conceive his ideas ever making it past the film-censors (in ANY country!).
Personally, I think that he should re-enact the scene when he went on stage and danced at one of Westwood's gigs last year. I was there that night alongside thousands of other Hip Hop/Reggae fans and it was truly a sight to behold! It has to be said, that Russell's rendition of the "Crazy Frog" was one of the most moving displays of choreography that the history of dance has ever witnessed (trust me, there wasn't a dry eye in the house!).
So what other ideas for titles, scenes and scripts do you think that Russell should try and pitch to these moguls? My suggestion for "The Return of Christophe: the Killer Vampire-Fish" has already been panned!
Let's Go Video
If they were to shoot a movie of your life,To whom would you assign the limelight?
Or the soundtrack for the main actors...
...as you shout "Lights, Camera, Action!"
The saga begins...shhh... the audience listens in,
Awaiting for the start of your drama to begin.
Take 1:Surf-God breaks off unrequited love,
Christophe's whisked-off to the heavens above,
Sun-burnt bruises, horse prostitution,
On Heat's "Spotted" page, with a dodgy constitution!
Take 2:As ball-cupping Russell gets into tune,
Screaming "30 seconds Gee" and Westwood's pimp'd porridge is due,
So can a video camera aperture, ever truly recapture,
the cinematic banter of the talkative two?
That's Entertainment
As most of you are probably aware by now, Russell Brand has indeed left the building. Yes at this precise moment, as your eyes peruse through this very page, somewhere on a small tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean; a rather tall Essex boy with long dark hair is prancing around vigorously practicing his "Sexy Dancing" for hours and hours on end. Hawaii is most certainly the place and ol' Russ has recently been hob-nobbing with Hollywood moguls, film stars and hopefuls on the set of his latest movie.
And what of the rest of us? (I hear you cry.... er...perhaps not...). Well, Mr Nibs is in training, executing special manoeuvres in preparation for his next mission. Mikey (our engineer) has been busy tending to his ever-increasing (ahem) female fan-base. Matt's been settling into his new flat and is thoroughly engrossed in writing TV scripts and inventing stuff. Christophe's behaviour has however been getting stranger and stranger; he's apparently taken to wearing dark shades and a protective mask and has made a bid to buy the Elephant Man's skeleton!
As for myself, I went to East Africa for a few days to help with a charity project that aims to bring electricity to a remote village. Actually, I only arrived back in London late last Thursday evening. No sooner had I stepped off the plane, I was warmly greeted by a welcoming text from the lovable Mikey, "Hey Gee, can you be in the studio to record a show at 5:30 tomorrow morning?". I rolled my eyes to heaven and had to call back to double check. It seemed that apparently Russell had been out riding his horse along the beach and suddenly declared to the world that he wished to record a show in a few hours!
Now I don't know what spiritual vision or flash of inspiration had crossed his equestrian mind, but I do know that countless commands were barked across the oceans as a result of it. The next thing I knew, I found myself alongside Matt and Mikey at an ungodly hour in the morning in the radio studio that Tim Westwood normally uses. We were not a pretty sight to behold: looking tired, broke and busted with big happy shopper bags under our eyes, we all trundled in to do the show. Sadly we're no longer top of the podcast charts anymore (we've been beaten by The Apprentice). This is a shame, as I had hoped that Westwood was going to "Pimp out" the ice cream van that we were ordering to celebrate being No 1.
Speaking to Russell long-distance though was different matter. Before he'd flown out he'd been all hyped-up and excited about going off to shoot the movie, but now he was sounding a little bit forlorn and homesick. Even the torrential outburst of Westwood's notorious gunshot and siren sound effects seemed to somehow add to his longing and reminiscing. It's strange what you find yourself missing about home when you're away isn't it? Matt was once out in Australia and heard the Jam's "That's Entertainment" playing on the radio, he then got instantly nostalgic for the U.K. I once spent some time in Brazil and I remember getting all excited when I found a small bottle of Worcester Sauce in some tiny restaurant!
So in order to make Russell feel a little closer to home, send him your well wishes and a little memory of Blighty to comfort him. It could be pictures of your home town, lyrics to a Chas 'N' Dave song, even a story about living abroad and missing Jammy Dodgers... anything!
Straight Coasting
Coast to Coast, Pacific to Atlantic,
London calling Hawaii, transmission glitches are gigantic,
Delays in transit, explaining movie studio antics,
Sporting Rash-Tops and Thongs, horse riding's looking frantic!
Russell seems to be homesick, hoping to get home quick,
Finding solace in a Westwood jingle, wishing he could own it,
Alone with the No 2 spot on the podcast charts?
Download quick before the ice cream trip takes place on an ice cream cart!Please have a heart ;)
Coast to Coast, Atlantic to Pacific,
Hawaii calling London, Russ to Matt to be specific,
Noel sounding off, but sometimes fame "lost" can mean freedom gained,
Unless dropping all those bombs lands us in Guantanamo Bay(!)
Resolve can be difficult to restore
Easter is in our midst, and without fail the high street shops are now awash with an abundance of Egg and Rabbit paraphernalia. This festive season can however pose some serious temptations for myself and many others like me: for my name is Mr Gee and I am a chocaholic! Yes, during this time I tentatively negotiate through countless aisles stacked high bearing Easter offerings in the form of cocoa solids wrapped in foil. They all cheer my name and celebrate my flaws, sometimes such applause can be difficult to ignore, as resolve can be difficult to restore.
It started off innocently enough; a few milkshakes here, some casual one-night muffins there but it soon escalated to the "hard stuff". Believe it or not, there was once a time when I actively shunned any chocolate bars that contained ingredients such as: raisins, nuts or further additions (such "pollutions" were deemed useless by me, for they took the place of valuable chocolate-space!). Usually, when we arrive at the studios to commence with the show, Russell tends to bring up some coffee for all of us. He then shares them out in his inimitable flamboyant manner, before perusing through the pile of e-mails sent in to the show. As he passes me my cup, he sometimes flashes a quick smile and quietly whispers "Don't worry Gee, I got you a hot chocolate....I fully understand".
Chocolate was mentioned in last week's show, as Russell and Matt debated the relevance of Dog-Chocolate and Gerbil-Chocolate. Sadly, no Fish-Chocolate has as yet been developed for poor little Christophe but Matt has said that once he's perfected his Vibro-Sock, then the area of "Sub-Aquatic Confectionery" is next on his "to-do" list. Christophe is fast becoming a major celebrity around here. A personal assistant was called in from the local pet-shop to attend to his ever increasing demands, and offers have been made to find him a wife. Personally I do hope that he settles down, because quite frankly his libido has been getting out of control. The other day Mikey found him scouring the Internet looking at pictures of Dolphins and Sea-Horses (hmmmm....kinky!). This culminated in Russell having to sit him down and have a long talk with him (man-to-fish) about the benefits of moderation!
Russell also tried to resolve the epic saga that resulted in agent Richard Hilgrove being dropped by his client Duncan Bannatyne. This occurred just after Richard's brief appearance on the show with Steven Segal a few weeks back. Now I know that we've all felt quite bad about this and anyone who has heard Russell's passionate rendition of Pato Banton's "Baby Come Back" (complete with "Biddy Bye-Byes") surely must've also been moved. So the stage was now set for an historic three-way call of conciliation between Russell, Duncan and Richard in order to broker some form of peace.
Duncan was very humourous over the whole affair and laughed about the voicemail messages that were left for him by Russell and Noel Gallagher. I can't lie, given his track record as a sailor, I half-expected the former sailor to burst into the radio studio and frog-march Russell down to the River Thames for a "quick dipping". In the end though, Duncan and Richard came together for an amicable truce (to the melodic sound of "Biddy-Bye-Byes") and all was forgiven. OK, maybe they didn't exactly ride off into the sunset together, but at least they gave each other that manly nod that usually occurs in Westerns just before the credits roll. A perfect way to spend an Easter......now where's my egg?
Space
Space... The Final Frontier,
As we reach the edge of madness that's transmitted right here,
Right where?.... Right HERE!!
On Radio 2 loud and clear,
These are the voyages of the Starship Brand as they appear,
To boldly go to where no man has gone before,
With tight pants restricting circulation causing blow-off's galore!
Set to explore, as we search for the "Bride of Christophe"
Our resident goldfish helping Matt to pitch his list of Vibro Socks...
...and puppet socks to Duncan, to see exactly what he thinks,
The last guy who tried that awhile ago got chucked into the drink!
With the Cowboy on the brink of a mental breakdown,
It's pistols drawn at dawn for the essential showdown,
Hopefully, after all of this we'll still have careers,
Selling ice-creams? lost in space?.... the Final Frontier!
The Currency of Change
It has oft been said that: "The only thing that you can be guaranteed to expect in life, is the basic fact that everything eventually changes". One minute even the most simplest of tasks can turn into a laborious uphill struggle. Then the next minute without warning, things can all magically fall back into place again (that is of course, until a fresh batch of "new and improved" uphill struggles are promptly delivered lovingly to your door!).
During last week's show, certain problems were resolved and certain new ones were made apparent:
Russell's visa finally came through (much to our relief), so now he's getting all ready and set to jet off to Hawaii!
A Cowboy got left high and dry by an ex-sailor (you really have to listen again to the show to get this one, it's waaay too complicated to explain!)
Matt's going through the annoyingly stressful process of moving house (I don't envy him one bit).
And Christophe (the goldfish we rescued), has gone from being on the brink of extermination in Birmingham, to hanging out with the likes of Wogan, Dermott and even Parky! (you could even say that:he's swimming with the "Big Fishes" now!.....eh?...eh?...*a lone tumbleweed slowly blows past and sighs*.....ok, moving right along!)
As people, we generally don't like change do we? It always takes us a little while to recalibrate our senses and adapt to something new. A few weeks ago, I was in my local market and I witnessed a glorious sight: there was this old market-trader (selling tupperware) who didn't want to accept the new £20 note from a customer because he thought that the new note "looked funny".
I watched him inquisitively from afar as he held the banknote up to the sky (sovereign rings glistening), dubiously examining it with equal derision and suspicion. Finally he shook his head and said, "Nah mate, I don't like the look of these new £20's.... they'll never catch on... people will riot! I mean just look at it, it's too flashy, too gawdy, it looks like bloody monopoly money! I'm sticking with the old £20's mate, mark my words these will be recalled soon!"
I just smiled quietly to myself, as I pondered over what other insightful pearls of wisdom could have passed from this man's lips over the years: "Mobile phones?....don't waste your money mate, they're just a flash in the pan. The internet?.......strictly for nerds and geeks, that fad'll be over before you know it. Radio show podcast charts?......(hah!)....well I wonder which bunch of fairies are gonna be stuck at the top of THAT christmas tree!?"
Speaking of trees... here's last week's poem:
Out of His Tree
From a seed to a sapling, it happened so fast and......branches stretch out, as does this broadcast,
From a sapling to a tree,
Have we reached maturity?
As we relieve a Cowboy agent of his client's celebrity,
Watch the winds of change blow through the leaves
Haunted by the Captain of the Seas,
In the land of "cashew-shaped" digits, afflicted fishes have been reprieved,
The Visa's finally been released, now Russell's free to star in his own Period drama,
"The World's Most Conscious Jogger" donning tennis-gear like body armour?
What more can you ask for? Any offence caused we sincerely refute,
His bark is worse than his bite, that's from his leaves to his roots!
Mr Nibs and Christophe
Hi Guys, Mr Nibs here. I can’t believe that I’m actually doing a bloggy wog for Radio 2. If you listened to last Saturday's show you probably know that I had quite a busy day that involved rescuing Christophe the goldfish. It was from a woman in Birmingham who’d phoned up the show to ask about ways of killing it.
My day began getting on the 8:01 train from Bangor to Birmingham New Street. The first problem I encountered was all the seats where full and I had nowhere to sit, luckily the train manager said there are plenty of seats in the first class carriage. So as I sat down in first class, it was funny to see the look on some of the people as some of them had probably paid around £100 to be there.
The arrangement was to meet Debra and Christophe on Platform 3 between 10:45 and 11:00 as my train pulled in at 10.42 - this meant I could catch the 11:00 train to London.
So I went over to platform 3, there were about 15 people there, and I thought Debra would be obvious carrying a goldfish in a see-through bag or a bowl. However there was no sign of her so I decided to go up to the ticket barriers in case she hadn’t been allowed through. Still I couldn’t see anyone with a goldfish and I even said to the ticket inspector “I know this might sound like a stupid question but have you seen a woman carrying a goldfish?” laughing he said hadn’t seen anyone so I resorted to phoning Mikey. He managed to get hold of Debra and told me she was on her way. This was around 11:05 and I’d missed the 11:00 train to London but was hopeful I’d be able to catch the 11:30 train. Waiting and waiting, I eventually got a phone call from Debra and we met by the ticket barriers. She’d suggested a coffee cup to put the fish in but I told her not to worry as I had a sandwich box. When I met her at the ticket barriers she pulled out a black dog poo bag from her handbag and transferred it into my sandwich box. Apparently, the other bag burst so God knows what happened to the poor little fish until the poo bag was acquired. Anyway it was now safe in my hands but it was 11.28 or something so I legged it to the platform and got on the train with about 30 seconds to spare.
On this journey I was getting quite a few strange looks, an old couple next to me said they’d just seen a guy go past with a snake and so I said to them “oh its like Noah’s Ark on here” which was a good line to say when Russell was to phone me.
Anyway as you know I got a phone call to see how myself and little Christophe where getting on. He had Debra on the other line who said that I was the one who didn’t turn up, the cheek of it- I’d get her back somehow!!
Russell tried phoning a few times but I couldn’t hear as there wasn’t much signal, I just remember shouting "I’ll be at Euston in 5 minutes."
I arrived in London at around 1:10 and hopped in the first cab I saw to the Radio 2 Studios. As I arrived I was given a pass and up I went to the studio. Russell was on the phone to Noel Gallagher and there was only 10 minuets of the show left so they decided to play a song, talk to me, and finish of the show with one of Mr Gee`s wonderful poems. I’d been thinking about what to say when Russell asked me about the day as I didn’t want to sound boring and just say “yeah it was ok”. Therefore, I decided use this time to have a pop at Debra for blaming me. I said “Debra showed me her fishnet stockings, asked me to get my bait out and she was going to give me a whale of a time” but I’d told her “I came to get the goldfish not to get crabs”…I thought it was funny anyway, even if Russ hadn’t appreciated the clever little puns.
That was my day basically, by this time I was knackered but at least Christophe the fish made the journey and is now in safe hands - well kind of.
I wonder what they will be getting me to do next week?
Fetch a Chinese man from Tibet? Fly one of Noel Gallagher’s Milk bottles to the Moon?
You never know, it’s all a matter of time, listen to next weeks show to find out.
Mr Nibs x
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