The Haircut
I am going to get my hair cut. Sorry to sound girly but: my split-ends are terrible, apparently. This is on the authority of women who know about things like this. When they asked me how long ago I got my hair cut and I said ‘August’ they were horrified. But I thought that was the whole reason behind having long hair, you don’t need to go the hairdressers. Apparently not, but it’s made me realise that I have been avoiding the barbers because I have a mild phobia of the places. I think its because of all the embarrassing things that have happened to me in these awkward hellholes.
Once I went to a decent salon-type place and made a booking. The lady asked me who normally cut my hair, I replied ‘my Mum’s friend Mandy’. She actually wanted to know which of their stylists I usually had. It was pretty embarrassing; she went red with suppressed laughter.
Another time I went to Mr Topper’s where every haircut is £5. ‘Can’t go wrong’ I thought. But when the girl cutting my hair asked me what I did for a job I got embarrassed. I worked at MTV and I kind of became aware that I didn’t want to sound flash, so I mumbled that I worked at MTV and then immediately turned the tables on her. ‘What do you do?’ I enquired.
‘I’m a hairdresser’ she replied.
‘Oh yeah’. Damn, what an idiot.
And the final mortifying thing that happened to me at the hairdressers…. Once I was getting my hair cut, everything was going well. It was to cost £40 because when the girl at the front said ‘we only have our head-stylist available, do you want him to cut your hair?’ I thought:
‘Yes of course, head-stylist? That’s good isn’t it? Wow, the head-stylist doing my hair, oh the joy’ obviously what I didn’t realise was that it costs loads more money for this haircut-magician to get involved with your barnet. I found this out in the conversation with him, I was a bit gutted but I thought well I’m here now so I resigned myself to the fact. Anyway, after a bit he told me I would look really good with a bit of colour in my hair. ‘Really?’ I swooned. Well, he was the ‘head-stylist’ I’d trust him to know what’ll suit me. Ah, but I wasn’t gonna fall for the old money trick again. ‘How much will it be to have colour?’
‘Not much- £50’ he assured me.
Now for some reason at this point I thought ‘£50? Well that’s only £10 more- why not?’ What a fool I was. Obviously he meant ‘an additional £50’. £90 for a haircut? Not in my name mate. So as he was doing some weird stuff with foil and foul smelling stuff which took ages, I sat there awkwardly until I risked the question ‘ You do mean £50 in total don’t you?’. He looked at me with pure hate as if I was mocking his very livelihood. The foil and chemicals went in the bin. I had upset the ‘head-stylist’. I felt so ashamed.
I think the worst thing about these cringe-worthy incidents is that unlike anywhere else that you embarrass yourself, in the hairdressers you have to sit and look at your stupid reflection. You are forced to look yourself in the eye and think ‘Look at you, you idiot, what were you thinking?’ So off I go to get me split-ends seen to, there’ll probably be a bishop-stylist visiting from the Vatican of hairdressing and I’ll get him and it’ll cost me £900 and I’ll accidentally eat some hair-fudge or something. Bye.
Ooh, I look forward to seeing pictures of the result! (I trust you will be showing us, yes?)
Be very careful what you ask for. I once went into a hairdresser’s and asked for a graduated bob. It was a bad, bad day for me! Clearly I had read a few hair magazines, seen that term somewhere and, in a bid to sound knowledgeable, used it. To my horror, when she 'showed me the back' what I saw was not the clear image that I had in my minds eye.
I looked like a flippin' mushroom! Apparently what I should have asked for was a 'blended bob', silly me eh?
Fortunately the hairdresser took pity on me after I had burst into tears and started hyperventilating and agreed to 'blend' it for me so it all ended well.
Good luck!!!
Happy Hairdressing =)
just stare at your shoes i always do that.
Hey Matt
Hope the haircut went well and was not too traumatic. Was it just a trim or a radical new look? Haircuts, or I should say bad haircuts, kinda remind me of childbirth in that at the time, whilst looking at ones hideous reflection after a particularly bad cut you swear you will never have anything but a trim, but 6 months down the line, sitting in a swinging chair, you hear yourself utter those dangerous words - i fancy a change...
One particular bad experience i remember was taking in a picture of Meg Ryan, now i was fully aware i would not look exactly the same, just wanted that 'messy/just got out of bed' look, but did not expect to leave the salon looking like a spikey badger!
Great blogs- always make me smile, and sometimes inadvertantly snort... umm attractive.
Jo
Oooh, I hope its not too short! And colour...hmmm, sounds interesting!
I have long hair and probably only get it cut twice a year to keep in the layers it has! I couldnt afford more trips than that, even if she comes to my house and only charges 8 quid!
Having my hair cut is however always been a little fear I've had. I dont think this was helped by the mental torture associated with it! Whenever I wasn't good or did something wrong the words...'shall we go get your hair cut victoria' rung through the air! This was something I didnt want to happen and as a result i believe childhood naughtiness was kept to the minium!
However, as a result of no hair cuts when i was younger it grew really thin and whispy....not recommended! so it took, hundreds of 'trims' to thicken it up!
Its all good now, but I agree with the whole price thing...rip off...you dont even gain anything, you actually lose mass! My mobile hairdresser is worth while, so for your next hair cut, i'll pass on her details!
I went to have my hair cut the other day and didn't really know what I wanted them to do but then I remembered about when you said the thing to do is ask them to take the weight out of it, so I did - and it worked! possibly the best haircut I've ever had!
xx
Ha ha that was your funniest blog yet Matt. It was a a kind of hair-themed Rusty Shame routine.
Incidentally, I am wondering how much the divine one pays for a haircut - upwards of £250 I shouldn't wonder.
Now you are a big star Matt you will have to have a make up artiste, stylist, personal trainer and someone whose sole job it is to look after your hair. The nation demands nothing less.
Love
Linda X
Hehe I wish I knew what weight was so I could have it taken out of my hair. I do hope the sudden decision is not in any way connected to people telling you that you look bad with long hair...for this is simply a lie told by hairdressers who comment here trying to market themselves.
Remain a wild hairy Matt monster please.
Icecream van...
ha-ha I bloomin enjoy you. especially that "Bye." at the end. made me do a smile.
Sam
I went and got my hair cut yesterday.. decided to take a picture with me after lots of debating about what to have done to it.. After showing the picture she said yep fine, so I took off my glasses (lucky me.. such bad eyesight I don't have to look at myself) and off she went.
An hour later I put the specs back on and guess what.. it was pretty much the same as when I had gone in there, nothing like the picture at all. Moral of the story.. Don't do it.. Don't do it!!!! Theres nothing better than the caveman look!!!!
Hey Matt,
Perhaps you should try 'Off Your Head'... that is the name of one of my local barbers, no joke! I also know of two sisters who have recently taken to the hairdressing business and are contemplating naming the salon 'Scissor Sisters'! Genius! Hairdressers with a 'sense of humour', not a good combination for the customer I imagine?! All this in a town that has a restaurant called 'Belly Busters'! Tis a classy establishment I'll have you know! :)
I had my haircut last week :( always a horrible moment when you leave the fate of your locks in the hands of some over enthusiastic person who only seems to care "what are you doing this weekend?" EURGH! hate it hate it hate it!
And the mirror thing sucks too - i duck and dive to avoid the mirrors in the house and there i am forced to sit and look at my own reflection for the whole hour it takes for them to chop my hair! You always have it in your mind, if they screw up thats your whole image they're messing up ... damn those hair people!
I'm sure your hair looks lovely Mr Morgan and if you're not happy with it - remember ... HAIR GROWS!
Peace and love
Kimberley!
Do my eyes decieve me? Matt Morgan is having his hair cut? Say it's not so! It's a well known fact you have lovely hair.
Many times I've said something about you to people who have asked me who Matt Morgan is, and I've gone "He's the friend of Russell Brand with fabulous hair.' But I'm sure the end result will be just as good, and you'll have wonderful shiny new hair.
I had my hair cut recently, and the woman kept giving me funny looks, because she asked what I wanted doing, and I showed her the cover of the Mighty Boosh 2 DVD, and pointed at Noel Fieldings fabulous locks. Is it wrong for a teenage girl to want her hair cut like a 30 year-old man? I think not!
Can't wait to see your new hair, will you put pics on the site for us pretty please?
Alex
xxx
Ooo I hate looking at myself in the mirror, or worse is when they put you near a window and people walking past can see you looking stupid as well.
Hope it went well
Linda
I hope the haircut went / goes well – I can empathise with your anxiety about hairdressers... I have to admit, though, I’ve always harboured a secret ambition to team up with Claire Sweeney (or someone else with the surname Sweeney) and open a barber’s shop called ‘Sweeney Todd’s.’ I’m not actually a hairdresser; it’s the murderous aspect that interests me. (That was a joke) Oh I’ve revealed my surname now, which is weird because I hate it.
OMG Britney (Spears) just shaved her hair!
...
..
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So Matt, it could be worser.
Just out of interest how much does Russell pay for his haircuts? Even though it looks chaotic I imagine it costs a fortune and there's gold spun into that birds nest. I'd say it's worth it, rob him of his mad thatch and it just feels wrong, look at the old pics/videos of Russell with his lank locks, it's a shadow of today's exuberant snakery.
Love the blogs, they feel far more honest than most of the reactionary guff out there.
I want to avoid the hairdressers for as long as possible. I am one of those "weird" people who has hair down to the bottom of my back and I know if I ever step one toe inside a salon...well...I'll be attacked by scissors and people shouting "Split ends! Split ends!!! Get them!!"
I know I have a fair few of them...I just don't quite understand why they're forbidden.
Good luck the haircut, Matt. I had mine done on Thursday - waist length to shoulder length in a matter of minutes, scary! Luckily though our hairdresser comes to our house so I don't have to go through the torture of sitting in front of the mirror.
Hope you don't go too short, I love your hair!
Take care.
You are never as hideous as when you're looking back at yourself in that flippin hair dressers mirror. I only cut my hair when it is absolutley neccesary much to my mothers annoyance who has more than once told me that: "life is to short to be ugly".
OMG matt, I know how you feel about the haircuts. I had mine done on friday: I was so bored waiting for my hairdresser to finish with a previous client that when a little girl asked me if i wanted to play with her barbies i couldn't refuse. Then my old boyfriend by some freak coincidence chose that time and day to have his haircut and saw me playing with barbies. I was so embarrassed that i sat getting my hair cut in total silence (which is very unusual for me).
I never really contribute to blogs but i chose to because i've increasingly noticed in my watching and listening to Russell that you are so funny. Although i love Russell, i notice sometimes i can't keep my eyes and ears off you. You both seem to have a similar and intelligent sense of humour which makes you both together all the more funny. Russell stills rocks though!
hey Matt
I suppose getting a haircut is necessary for all girls, but theres nothing to be worried about. lol think how good your hair will look once you get it done!
And if you're that scared of salons/barbers etc, i suppose i could cut it for you, being a trained hairdresser and all
x x x x x
When I was small I was dragged to the hairdresser's... the crazy woman cut almost all of my hair off. It was only when my mum looked up from her magazine that the shouted STOP CUTTING!! I had to wear a hat outside for months- which was then stolen every break-time by a bully.
Matt, I understand your fear. Your comfort hat is at risk. Keep one eye open (or two) when you sleep from now on- my hat bully may come to get you.
You see I don't have to worry about these so called "embarrassing moments". I get my hair cut at a friends barber shop, I spend the whole time telling him his is a hair-dresser to my own amusement.
See for me this is a risk free exercise as I tend only to have my hair completely shaved off, whereas for you this would be folly.
When you're in the hairdressers having your hair washed, is it correct etiquette to keep your eyes open or closed?
you're lucky, my hairdresser is completely gorgeous so for me to see him means I have to go and spend £30 on a hair cut I don't even want!
but i get compliments during the haircut included in that price! whoo.
Personally, I adhere to the 'twice a year' rule. February and September, generally.
It gets cut by whichever 'salon' is able to do it without the need to make an 'appointment' and the instruction is, invariably, the simple, yet brilliant, "make it shorter again" - resulting in hair that will take six months to require another cut, and a 'style' that changes over the intervening months without 'stylist' interference.
This is not because of any fear of the embarrasment that can ensue in these horrific, heat-magazine infused buildings, filled with generic, vapid fashionistas, nor a sense of inherent shame in not knowing my hair wax from my shaping gel...
... no, it's for a much simpler reason.
I begrudge paying the equivalent of £60 an hour to people who failed their GCSE's.
The swines!
Aw!The second story made me laugh (:
I'm a girl but i hardly ever get my hair cut,hate salons and to be honest I'm not really bothered about split ends,though my friends also tell me mine are terrible (:
Hope the haircut went well!You'll always be an attractive beasty anyways,Maffoo (: