Being handed a helmet and leathers by The Crazy Frog
OK, I had my hair cut. I think it must have gone well because no one seems able to detect any change. The split ends are no more and it’s a lot less tangled though, so victory is mine. I didn’t embarrass myself either and apart from getting fooled into buying two primary-coloured dispensers of delicious-smelling gunk, no financial errors were made. Thanks for all your kind words, my social ineptitude is gradually eroding and I am become a part of your Earth society.
Right, the other day I was told to come to the offices of John Noel Management, of whom I am a client (as are Russell and Trevor) because there was a surprise there for me. I was a bit apprehensive as I thought this could be a trick, such things have happened in the past. ‘It’s in here’ said Nik, opening a door. For some reason I was expecting to see a new desk, a transparent attempt to get me to work in the office instead of at home, like buying a glittering potty to get a toddler to ditch their nappies. But no, instead of a desk there were… 10 brand new motorbikes. ‘One of them’s yours mate’ Nik beamed proudly. John Noel had holidayed around India on one of these Enfield Bullets and liked it so much he shipped a load of them over to dish out, what a generous fellow!
They’re brand new bikes but built to a 60 year old design so they look very cool, all matt black and chrome. They arrived in bits and they had to be put together,. Now, any fears I had about their construction being safe were allayed by the knowledge that they were bolted together by television’s Matthew Wright, from the Wright Stuff... Hang on, what? I wondered if I’d fallen through some wormhole into a waking dream, like I was about to be handed a helmet and leathers by The Crazy Frog and shoved off to ride over a rainbow straight into mental health care. No, this wasn’t the beginning of mania. Matthew Wright is also a client of John Noel and for some reason he got involved with the preparation of this fleet of iron horses, fair enough. So I wasn’t going mad but I was still a bit scared. I’ve only ever been a passenger on motorbikes, but now I realised, I’d have to learn to ride one.
The office bristled with macho danger- the stench of petrol and leather was dizzying. Now, faced with such a challenge you can go one of two ways: You can leap into the breach and take the bull by both handlebars or you can melt into a little wisp and just offer to be in charge of polishing the shiny bits and making the picnics, so I suppose I’ll have to step up to face the challenge. Now what’s surprising about all this is that when Russell found out there were shiny new motorbikes being doled out, he instinctively demanded one. He’d only been excluded because he doesn’t have a driving license and also HE IS RUSSELL. The idea of him on a motorbike is preposterous.
The only time I’ve seen him near one is perched camply on one for a photo-shoot for one of the glossies, and he probably counts that as one of the most dangerous stunts he’s ever done. Actually he did occasionally get on ‘taxi-bikes’ where you ride pillion to get delivered somewhere in a hurry, but he stopped taking these because of what the helmet did to his hair, not exactly a Hell’s Angel is he? I now mainly want to learn to ride just for the spectacle of Mr Brand in an Eval Knieval cape teetering round some cones’ and then storming off crying. It’s cycling proficiency all over again, I’ll keep you posted.
Haha, I like how this Nik person acted as though he was the one who had done the good deed. "Here Matt, from the bottom of my heart..."
Maybe the connotations of a motorbike are incorrect. After all, the actions involved could resemble the very epitome of anti-macho activity. (That was nice and vague and inexplicit for bbc.co.uk.) Either way, you could still polish the shiny bits and make picnics if you wanted to.
I feel for Russell a bit. Even if people had assumed he wouldn't ride on it, he may still want it for looking all swish and sexy clad in leather. Which I'm sure all of you would relish.
Best of luck you lot, in your biking proficiency.
-x-
Russell probably has no intention what-so-ever of actually driving the bike, unless you become a super-pro, just realised its Kurt Kobains birthday today after seeing a bulletin with conspiricies theories on them, being such a fan of him Matt, when courtney came into the studio, were you ever tempted to ask her about some of the conspiracies theories surrounding his death?
Love to you all
xxxxxxxx
Free motor bikes? Jeez, all I've got for free is a cold. And even then the tissues cost money... Now I'd like to see Russell on a motorbike. Didn't a kiss-and-tell on him last summer say that he "kept riding past" a window on "his" motorbike?
Free motor bikes? Jeez, all I've got for free is a cold. And even then the tissues cost money... Now I'd like to see Russell on a motorbike. Didn't a kiss-and-tell on him last summer say that he "kept riding past" a window on "his" motorbike?
Aww! Your new motorbike has stolen all of the thunder of your little mountain bike! After you spent so much effort decorating it all nice and everything!
Don't you think that maybe John Noel is taking maybe too big a cut of his clients earnings if he can just decide to buy 10 motorbikes for just a small proportion of his clients just because he rode around on one for a bit and quite liked it?!
And congratulations with your non-disasterous hair cut! I was terribly worried that all your lovely hair would be taken away so I'm glad it looks practically the same still :)
Love Jojo
Aww! Your new motorbike has stolen all of the thunder of your little mountain bike! After you spent so much effort decorating it all nice and everything!
Don't you think that maybe John Noel is taking maybe too big a cut of his clients earnings if he can just decide to buy 10 motorbikes for just a small proportion of his clients just because he rode around on one for a bit and quite liked it?!
And congratulations with your non-disasterous hair cut! I was terribly worried that all your lovely hair would be taken away so I'm glad it looks practically the same still :)
Love Jojo
Oh Matt, riding a conventional bike such as Smokey may serve its purpose, gets you from A to B, but you often wonder why you bothered, especially considering all the muck you can pick up riding through London – when you reach your destination, you just feel dirty, grubby, and left wondering if you didn’t just pick up some nasty virus along the way – horrible business, and over rated.
Being presented with the real deal must have frightened the life out you and no wonder you felt apprehensive, who wouldn’t, does seem like the stuff of dreams, so when life unexpectedly presents you with something so magical, you do stand there stunned, waiting for someone to wake you up, then question your own sanity when you rub your eyes and find you weren’t dreaming after all.
I urge you to mount that Dream Machine without further delay and ride off into the glorious sunset that awaits you, and who knows what joys that journey holds for you along the way, but only one way to find out! Do it I say and urge Russell to do the same.
Loving your show by the way, only one complaint, stop bitching about the Holy ones underpants! I love those crispy white pants with a passion, and the sweaty jewels contained within them dangling around the Radio 2 studio are the stuff of my dreams - allow me those won't you?
x
I wish I got a message to 'come to the office' and have a shiny new motor waiting for me! Most I usually get is a slice if cake if I'm lucky!
Bless Russell, no bike for him! I can imagine if you were all given Barbie dolls and pink fluffy slippers-russell would still want it. Mind you I actually think pink slippers and a Barbie doll would fit nicely into Russell's lifestyle!
You ride that Bike Matt like there's no tomorrow, if its a token of your hard work you deserve it!
I wonder if trevor also recieved a motor bike?!? You should get a little neckechief like Trev and wear it with your leather jacket! ooh maybe if you, trev and russ had a bike you could create your own biking gang (i know there's a special name for that, but as im not part of one not too sure) Riding up to the Radio 2 studios would be fun...ah...the thought is making me laugh!
Good on yer Matt anyway...look forward to the next blog! xx
Hehe - I love it. My visual imagination is in overdrive. This blog made me laugh soo much.
I imagine you at the head of the triangle formation of 'Hairy angels', your bike inappropriately 'pimped' with shiny gadgets, your hair flying out behind you from under your helmet as you speed along, humming unintelligible and aggressive Maggot Army tracks...laughing occasionally in maniacal glee.
Behind you chug Russ and Trev...Russell's helmet perched high atop the backcombed barnet, pointy boots scrabbling at the clutch a high pitched scream of terror and tight trousered outrage issuing from his lips…
……as Trev completes the two wheeled parade, his oversized helmet rammed onto his head, white knuckles gripping the handlebars, a natty pink tie flowing over his shoulder and a look of grim determination and confusion on his little face.
-How about you put this together on a race track instead of the ice cream van malarkey….I’d come and watch…..It’d be like Top Gear only a lot slower, with less sharp commentary and with more girly screaming.
xxx
And finally now to undermine all of the above: enjoy these bikes and have fun but please be careful guys! – put that down to hormones or something!
Good luck matt, how lovely. I'm learning to ride a motorcyle at the moment and it's a whole heap of fun. Hope you like it too xxx
How lucky are you?!!
Have you you named it yet? and what about poor Smokey?!
Yes Shell, my imagination has gone into overdrive too! - Maybe not in the same way though. Im hoping to see lots of photos of Matt in leathers on his bike! ;)
Matt your blogs are so brilliant and have me in fits of laughter every week! Cant wait for the next one!!!!
A motorcycle would have been a great present, but how about a retro ice cream van,. . that you can use to fulfil your promise of free ice cream for all listeners who placed you at the number 1 podcast?!! eh eh eh?!!!
Have fun on your motorcycle! Although to be honest as a car driver i HATE them. Thats right,. . more than cyclists. Don't ever become one of those motor bikists that end up manouvering in between cars at 60 mph, scaring us woman drivers with creepy glances, no sireeeee! I'm from B'ham, but do motorcylcists have to pay the congestion charges too?
Hey folks cop a load of the podcast on www.michaelmorgan.co.uk It features a hilarious into by ole Russ...the swine.
Matt I bloomin love you.
What about poor Smokey. Can I have him?
Matt, I can't believe you have traded Smokey in for a new model. I'd be careful if I were you, your new motorised form of transport carries a highly flammable liquid internally; know as petrol and I don't think they call Smokey 'Smokey' for nothing - my bet is he is a pyromaniac, and a jealous one at that...
Hi Russell Just wanted to say thanks for the great night out in Leeds last night (25/2/07). Saw you live at The Grand and you were everything and more of what I imagined. Enjoyed Trevor too!!
I'll be listening to you on Saturday....
Allie, Leeds