An American Tale
Speaking of America, and we were. I shall recount to you a tale of when I myself was over the pond (I don’t like that expression, with its twee miniaturisation of the Atlantic. Also the word ‘pond’ makes me think of those pond-skater insects, I think they’re called ‘water boatmen’. What a misleading name, you expect to see a little man in a boat but what you actually see is a snidey mosquito-type character who struts about on water, and not in an impressive ‘Jesus’ way, oh no. This guy’s legs are just so pathetically thin they can’t even penetrate water, what a little jerk. ‘Boat’ is a lie and ‘men’ is a lie, only ‘water’ has any truth in it; who named these things? The same person who named ‘Sea-monkeys’? which are effectively just germs floating about in a glass which bear no resemblance to monkeys at all and don’t even live in seawater. More lies.)
Right so anyway, when I was over in New York last winter I was at this club and I met this girl and we were standing next to the dance floor holding our coats and she said to me in her broad Brooklyn accent ‘Hey, you wanna go over there and throw our shit down?’
Like an idiot I thought this was New Yorker parlance for ‘hey, you wanna go over there and dance?’ So I replied:
‘No, I’m not drunk enough to dance yet’.
She looked at me like I was mad because she just meant ‘Hey, you wanna go over there and put our coats down?’
It was embarrassing but I still managed to end the night back at her place, which kind of looked like a cave made out of jumble-sales. She clearly had a policy of just throwing her shit down willy-nilly. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, I blame those bloody ‘Water Boatmen’ they’ve made me start rambling. You know, I’d have some respect for them if one or more of them walked all the way across the sea to America. That I’d like to see, in fact I think there’s a Pixar movie in that idea. I’ll call Russell in L.A., get him to pitch it to some big-wigs.
LOL that reminds me of when I was in the States a few years ago. I went out for a meal with some friends, and after we had finished, one of the men I had met that evening asked if I wanted to go and shag with him! I responded, politely, that I wasn't that kind of girl thankyouverymuch. After much confusion we established that in North Carolina a 'shag' is a dance. And no, there was no shagging of EITHER variety that night!
Matt, I also dislike water boatmen. I have been told that they eat their fellow pond-dwellers. I remember a science teacher telling me that he'd recreated a pond scene in a fishtank- and that his two water boatmen had proceeded to eat all of the water bugs and what have you, before one of the boatmen- let's call him Andy, devoured the other boatman. They are evil and not to be trusted. If Pixar were to make a film about one, it would have to be a HORROR film..
we're going to lose russell to America!
He's a rarity in England!
Send him to America and he'll soon turn into a perfect-teethed, annoying 10 a penny clone!
He's already fragile enough!
We need the child catcher of britain to stay!
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i have noticed that these blogs of yours, have turned into a place to outlet your crazed ramblings and nonsensicle outrages, yet i continue to be enthrawled by the 'crazy goings on of matt morgan'
anyway, completely off-topic, being a 16 year old lad, which i am, i get peed off when some little rapscallion starts throwing snowballs at my shiny new windows, so i thought (as a laugh) it would be fun to fight fire with fire. obviously, this was naive.
no sooner as a snowball had left one of my hands, a giant muclebound hunk by the name of gerald williams (aka the oldest man to win mr universe) chased me and my terrified brother to the confines of our house, we locked the door and sat in the passage, lights off, backs pressed up against the door, die hard style.
to say the least i am a little shaken from that experience and i was wondering what you think we could do to redeem ourselves to this brute.
sorry for randomly writing this comment but i just wanted your advice.
by the by, i love seamonkeys, once having a seamonkey watch, i know more than most of the joy that they can bring, although feeding them was almost impossible without the use of a hammer.
this is gerald by the way notice his oily abs..
https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/4080015.stm
Sea Monkeys!!! OMG I had forgotten about Sea Monkeys (not that I particularly needed to be reminded of them you understand). I once gave a Sea Monkey kit to a friend’s 7-year-old son. He proudly grew those sweet little guys and fed them the 'Sea Monkey Food' and nurtured them until they were big enough to see. He gave them all names and invented personalities for them too. He loved those Sea Monkeys.
This is where the story turns sour. What I failed to mention is his mother thought that a good place to keep Sea Monkeys was on the windowsill above the kitchen sink. Oh yes, you know where this is going!
One day his mother was doing the washing up and as she reached for the dishcloth which was also kept on that fateful windowsill, she 'accidentally' knocked over the Sea Monkeys into the scolding hot soapy death tank that is the kitchen sink. Oh the humanity.
I don't think her son will ever truly get over the tragedy you know!
Matt, I think Lewis Carroll also has issues with insects that have misleading names. There are many examples of this through his mockery of said insects in 'Through the Looking Glass', perhaps the most memorable of which being 'Bread-and-butterflies'. Why are they called Butterflies? Where is the butter? Personally, I fail to understand the reasoning behind the naming of Horse-flies and Crickets. Where is the logic? Perhaps the only sensible insect among us is the Grasshopper. I like the fact that the clue is in the title. Anyway, ttfn x
In my part of the Southern US people call those water-walking insects 'Jesus bugs'. But then, I have heard these same people say 'freedom fries' without irony, so clearly they can't be trusted.
Here is a so called vid of a 'rat monkey!' pretty darn cute but a stupid name.
https://my.opera.com/brianj/blog/show.dml/181777
Matt,
What you are describing are pond skaters, water boatmen operate below the surface with a set of elongated legs which look like oars.
Sorry to be so nerdy.
Matt, I blimmin' love you
hey matt dunno if you will read this, but i hear your a big leonard cohen fan?
didnt know there was another one out there! (cheeky)
was wondering what your favourite song is? mine has to be waitiing for the miracle... somwhat morbidly my favs of him are during his depression years...hopefully not that true a reflection on my life....then again
was wondering wat your fav LC track was so i can understand your personallity more.
oh, why not play some on the radio show, that will cheer ol trev and russ up,
anyways gotta dash, reply here or in show please, cheers
Coom
Hey guys! I was on the same flight to the USA as Russ and saw him at LAX as we both waited in line at Customs. It was quite a shock seeing this modern ICON stood just a few feet from me! I was visiting my girlfriend in Park City, Utah. She's British too and we both listen to the podcast every week. It's been one of the little things that we share when apart, which is often cos I live in Bristol. Anyway, I sent her a text from the queue telling her that I was actually looking at ol' Russ and she replied 'Go tell him he's on my list, I have big boobs and I like to cuddle! Invite him to Utah!'. Unfortunately Russ sauntered off before I could ask him for a photo to make her truly sick cos she loves him. Buit hey, she was more excited about Russ than seeing me for the first time in 2 months! Should I dump her, especially as she's no closer to setting me up with Angelina Jolie, who's on my celeb sh*g list. HEEEEELP! Neil.
Aaaah thats better. You know yuo,r right. Its gonna be alright. SUMMERS COMIN YEAH!! Now what I fawt Mathew, me lickl sausage was this....You an the bowys, cud customise the ice cream van.ey.....pimp my van stylee. Make it into a calm love nest were you cud talk with people solving all their animal primate and zooalogical dilemmas. Meanwhile you could have a varied menyata of delectable ices to choose from. Russells Rum an Raisins to relish: Matties Minty Monsterous Chocky chippie: Trevs Tantalising Tangy Tanngerine........Russells Rasping Rippley...Brandeys Big banana cream split.............whoops! you know..an get the gist. Book up Bournemouth seafront wi the local council and do a little PRERECORDING.. No arm is there, the clubs in Bournemouth R supposed to be OK. The women are a new crop for you bowiys to oggle at. I do like Russels idea of wearin nowt but a whisp of an apron. An of course in his own proverbial words "no trousers and pants." I think you should try to get a pilot for a show on TV, like your radio show but on telly. Im sure it would work. Russ bieng himself with you and Trevor to bounce orf. It could encorporate the best bits of shows like Friday night prodj. Doin little sketches. Im sure you could do it The format could be carefully considered to make it so you could all continue larkin about in a farmiliar non threatening environment. Chris Evans had a couple of shows. Jonny Ross. You woulldnt be short of guests. Well got to bog off now.. Love you loads my little sweethearts. Ps felt all lonely knowin Russell was Mary land. But hope E gets a big movie part. Ps. Litlun listened to the little video by Russ an I ad to ripp the eadphones off is ead as jst in time before Brandstein went into detail about is Jacksey!..............WUV OOO XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX