Russell becoming Jean Claude Van Damme?
Why doesn’t Russell ever write the blog? I hear you ask, or rather I read you asking from time to time on here. Well, as I’ve explained before, he’s a very busy man.
Now, I knew he had a packed schedule but I’ve just found out its not just work he’s busy with. As readers of his Guardian column may be aware, he has gone and got himself a personal trainer. I was on the phone to him earlier and he had to cut me off because his workout was about to begin. I imagined his personal trainer as a moustachioed Russian strongman in a stripy swimsuit with his hairy chest on display and I envisaged this slab of cold-hearted indifference, let’s call him Boris, turning Brandy into a man of iron. Unfortunately this dream was shattered in its infancy by Russell’s description of the routine he was about to launch into. He has dumbbells (so far so good) and (wait for it) he gets onto one of those big gym balls and does his whole workout perched on that like a confused starling sat on a huge egg it couldn’t possibly have laid.
The image of the butch personal trainer shrivels and re-blooms as a lycra-clad gym-bunny and I see Russell with a pink sweatband on his head bearing the legend ‘Get in Shape Girl’ and stripy leg warmers, going “1 and 2 and 1 and 2!” with that determined face that guests on the Jerry Springer show do when they say, "I am ALL that, sugar". A big gym-ball? So many questions, here are just a few I will want answered on next week’s show...
a) Does the personal trainer come to Russell’s door with the giant bauble under his arm?
b) Does Russell usher him in embarrassedly, and maybe suggest he puts a sheet over the gym-ball in public in future (perhaps draw a face on the sheet and pretend it is a person with a condition) i.e. is Russell ashamed of the gym-ball?
c) What does Russell wear in these encounters?
d) Do they workout to 2Unlimited?
e) What things does the trainer say to encourage Russell? (‘feel the burn’, ‘you go girl’, ‘OK, freestyle! Go nuts!’)
I shouldn’t mock - maybe he’ll end up like Jean Claude Van Damme and beat me up?
First comment woo hoo!
I recon Russells got a picture of the buffed-up
Wogan on the ceiling above his bed.
And once he's got bulging Hulk-esque pecs that he can squeeeze together, he'll never need to go womanising again!
much love, michael.
Maybe he'll release a fitness DVD - nice to see russell jumping about with sweat dropping off of his pretty face - 'citing!
How about a jazzercise video or striperobics?
Well any attempts to hide the ball have now been in vain as you Matt have just announced its existence to the whole universe!
But please Russell don't turn into Jean Claude Van Damme! He's horrible and my freind is scared of body builders so you would be mentally scarring her for life! and thats not very nice!
But if it doesn mean Russell is going to be in films i suppose its a good thing because we get to see more of him :D ...Just as long as he isn't too muscley...
I Some Adivce On What I Should Do.
My Mates Are All Guys.
Im A Gal.
My Name Is Katherine.
But My Mates Have Given Me The Name Farmee.
Mainly So I Don't Seem Like A Girl.
My Mate Mark Said The Other Day,
"But Your Not A Girl."
It To Be Honest Pisses Me Off.
What Do I Do.
Much Love
Farmee Xx
Ps. Russel You Are Snazz M'Jazz My Friend.
I expect Russell IS ashamed of the gym ball but ONLY because it isn't the right colour...maybe he'll have a little girly Brand-strop about it. I think you do a bang-up job on the Blog Matt Morgan, so though it'll be nice when Rusty writes one, we all love you just as much. Well I do anyway, mainly because your appearance is Christ-like.
Russell wears a shocking pink lycra unitard, with a face of Matt on the crotch;) All in good taste of course. I think Russ must spend more time deciding how to tame that mane of his, and opt for the 'ol bowl cut friar tuck hair, in a tribute to Trev. It's the way forward, if only Matt would wear a green unitard with Trev's face on the crotch, and Trev a yellow unitard with Russ on the crotch. I know the world would be a better place if this happened once a day;) You guys should do it for society. If Walliams can swim the channel,. . . . . .This is just a giant ramble:|
Does he have to do squat-thrusts?
first off i dont like the style of that previous post, too regemented and structured
military
anyway, it will be weird to see him with muscles, on his weedy arms, is this in response to slagging he got from his holiday pics?
haha, matt get him telt, and get him to do the blogs, although on second thoughts, yours are better, so dont.
Lionel and Mick
These people are mythical beings set to promote brand names like "post it notes"(other post it type notes are avalible i think), Mac Donalds (other fast food outlets are known to the obese world) on the BBC.
I also must add a word of warning to the student.
He wish to use you a his lab rat. you may end up stuck on a labrinyth on a island with giant bubbles stopping you for leaving. And being forced to call on trevor lock to save you by stamping on them with his giant (italian student blood stained) boots.
Russells sexy enough without working out!! Matt my dear, get Russell to reply to my emails!!!
Much Love xxxx
I think the reason why Russell never writes the blog is obvious: he knows that if he wrote it, it would fail to match up to the high standard set by yours! My favourite bit from this one is:
“Does Russell usher him in embarrassedly, and maybe suggest he puts a sheet over the gym-ball in public in future (perhaps draw a face on the sheet and pretend it is a person with a condition)”
Pure comedy gold!
So Russell’s finally ‘sold out’ completely and got himself a personal trainer? I’m sure Germaine Greer will be pleased, judging by this quotation from her article about him:
“Any animal with Brand's muscle tone would have been gulped down by a predator before it was out of its underground lair. If sexy means fit, then Brand is not sexy.”
Whereas Greer, of course, is the very embodiment of health, fitness and beauty: Overweight, in her seventies and nearly always dressed some sort of grey, shapeless garment!
Does he even need working out?
he looks healthy.
and maybe the trainer is a woman.
he will also need to learn martial arts
to be like jean claude van damme
i cannot see it happening hahaha.
xAmidabuddhax
I can imagine it would be interesting viewing for Morrissey. When I attempt to do yoga at home, Vermin (my cat) finds this new behaviour fascinating, especially when im doing anything upside down.
I’ve noticed that these intelligent, nutty types do really well with strenuous exercise. Maybe it’s giving the body chance to catch up with the brain. My old Professor used to be a nightmare of turmoil and spitting glass until he did his `leaping up and down the stairs` routine, then afterwards he would be as peaceful as a baby.
Goodness me! Having seen Russell staring back at me on the current "Virgin Trains' magazine" (other train companies and their magazine content is available; but we all know we only need to bitch about one when they're perpetually late day in day out) this whole Gym thing jars my mental image of Russell going about his usual day; still - after being knocked for his behaviour previously - it can only be a step up; and as you write your comments Matty-boy and questions you'd like to ask, a source of near infinate comedy potential. Well. 5 or 6 jokes at the very least.
Although really, we should be applauding the Brand's behaviour; bettering himself, toning and keeping himself in shape - even if it does sound like he's looked down the list of "exercise opportunities" and gone for the one which appears to require you to expend as little effort as possible. A step up from signing up for the Gym and spending your time in the cafe - but not entirely a big step.
Questions I would need answering:
1) nah, you were just pulling Matty-boy's leg weren't you Russell ?
2) No, no, you were weren't you?
3) What? Really! The ball thing? You weren't just being funny and winding the Mattster up?
4) Oh, okay then. So when Russell refers to "ball sacks" is he inferring the storage location for these oversize space-hoppers and it's only our dirty minds that make us think he's talking about his testicles?
5) Dumbbells - are we talking the weight variety or a couple of airheaded blondes (airheads are available in a wide range of colours) ? The latter inferring that Mr Brand is obviously aiming to live up to that Shagger award !
6) How long's he keeping it up for?
- no no, I meant the Gym you dirty-minded swine!
7) Does he find that it gets harder the more he works at it, or does he find that after a while he's desensitized and is just going through the motions?
8) Is that it or does he also get a "full workout" as well as these merriment-making activities on top of his ball things?
9) Other than the trainer, is there anyone else in the room when he's doing this? I mean particularly like is this a class filled with 30 people on balls with dumbbells or does he get special 1 to 1 attention?
10) Does he take this past the Gym and continue in his own time at home, in the lounge, the kitchen or bedroom ?
Well - that's more than enough questions from me. I think that you have nothing to worry about Matt - Russell may become a muscle bound oaf but I can't imagine him getting it on with you, wrestling to the ground in a fight to the finish... if you were both attractive women it would be easier, but that's just a society-driven stereotype that is easy to imagine because it is more asthetically pleasing to the minds eye.
M.
I've been trying to think of a way to say "I think the writing in this blog is really funny" without it sounding sarcastic or rubbish, but I can't. But it is really funny! It's as funny as Richard Herring's blog. I liked Trevor's entry too - it'd be nice if there were occasional Trevor postings too, say a five to one Matt to Trevor ratio.
Tell Russell he doesnt need a personal trainer!! He looks great :D
Also, did you know that at this moment in time you 3 are at NUMBER 1 in the itunes podcast chart!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!
Lotsa luv
xx
Firstly, I think it's a good thing that you write the blog Matt. We already get a chance to read Russell's writings in the Guardian (which is great of course) so it's always a privillage to read something you have composed.
Secondly, I recently read that Russell has taken up Salsa lessons. I suspect it to be 'rubarb' seeing as he doesn't dance in public...am I correct?
*Eyeliner Junky*
x x x
I would just like to point out that the correct spelling of rhubarb is in actual fact rhubarb.It may not matter to a lot of people but I get great satisfaction from correcting people.
Get In Shape Girl, LOL I used to have sweat bands like that and a special tape and ribbons and stuff for working out when I was about 7, god you don't know how many memories flooded back when I read that line!
Loving the show keep up the good work!
Sarah, York xxx
wooo
your podcast is number 1!
well done!
xxx
p.s are any of you guys gonna be doing any shows in the Edinbrough Fringe this year?
Mmmmm...Isn't Russell planning to do some astounding and superhuman sport stunt to destroy and defeat (once again) Walliams?
I think the trainer inflates the gym ball once inside Russell's flat, possibly with a dinky little foot pump.
Either that or they take it in turns to blow it up with sheer lung power. Manly!
Ah Finally, he's going to get some muscle definition. I'm not going to pretend I know Russell Brand (God knows it never works in real life), but those pictures of him in a certain downmarket newspaper made me sure he'd sold out.
What happened to our loveably thin Freddie Mercury type character?
And - Posters, why do we keep saying "Other things are available" - you might not realise this - but you're not broadcasting anything - you're just repeating a mediocre joke.
PS - Love you Matt, you keep that show together
Dansonsonson : You ask why the repetition of the mediocre "Other things are available" joke; it should be obvious. Some of us have ego's the size of a small Manhatten skyline and believe ourselves to be the wittiest thing since sliced
bread. Obviously, out of a mark of respect for Russell and Matt and Trev' (sorry... got lazy typing all those names, fortunately you're not a quartet or the last of you would barely get an initial!) we feel obliged to repeat jokes which weren't really all that funny in the first instance such that it reduces any chance our comment may have of eclipsing the original blog entry.
Well... at least, that's my reason for doing it. I can't assume to speak for others... Well... I mean I could do, but my range of impersonations is rather limited and usually veer from their initial sound into that of a70s/ 80s Indian stereotype; which in the current climate is probably not the best thing to veer off into. It's not racism, it's just a lack of any real talent on my part. (insert penis joke of your choosing here)
I don't think we have to worry about Russell getting too buff though; I think he's just looking for a little Tone (I think I saw him last on GMTV but without Arnold, "oh Blackburn" as the Beautiful South may have sung ) and a general fitness as I'm sure his demanding schedule does take it out of him a fair bit.
M
Well done!! finally at Number 1 - where you should be! wooo hoooo!
Great blog - it raised two questions for me:
1 - is it wise to suggest Russell puts a face on the sheet or the ball given what happend to Henry!
2 - does the ball have a name?
haha, does he really need a personal trainer? He's like a twig, I don't think being a big buff muscle-man would suit him really...
I played much of Saturday's show for my Mum and she really enjoyed Russell's 'defence' of his big ball but remarked that maybe the ball is not actually big but that it needs deflating because Russell's doors only need to be narrow to let him through!
Maybe he should start calling it his 'Swiss Army Ball' for more macho effect.
I love your blogs. The image of a confused starling on an oversized gym-ball shaped egg has really made me laugh. Thanks so much for that, Matt. I needed a good giggle. I can't imagine Russell looking all muscular. It wouldn't seem right somehow.
Matt's comments on Russell and his ball blags are highly amusing and have brought to my attention to the close resemblance between Brand and the lovely British starling. Like the starling, Russ is an urban bird of paradise - underrated by those who look for the extraordinary in exotic locations, but can't see it in their own, er, back yards...
As an MTBer, Matt, you should know that "core strength" is very important for cyclists. Loads of top cyclists do pilates on balls. It helps with back problems. Try it. You will go faster on the bike. Don't be put off just because a load of celebs in Hampstead are doin' it.