Pimp My Ride
Thanks for all the words of support about my fear of having eaten mud. I am still very much alive and I’ve actually bought some mud-guards for my steed. In fact I’ve bought massive lights, a pump, a little toolkit and Russell kindly got me a little onboard computer that tells you your speed and distance! The bike is groaning under the weight of all the add-ons and the handlebar is cluttered with gadgets. It looks like Doc Brown out of ‘Back to the Future’ has been at it. ‘Great Scott Matty, we gotta go back! Back to the bike shop, we need more gadgets!”
Yeah, its kind of gone beyond ‘cool’ now and looks like its owned by a sad nerd who’s tried to pimp his ride. Which of course it is. Even more tragically I’ve started to pimp myself up to match, the helmet is now an acceptable safety essential but the special winter cycling gloves, oh God where will this end? I’ll probably be in an accident due to sheer weight of gizmos and they’ll have to rebuild me from the wreckage and I’ll end up half-man/half-bike and I’ll speak with a little bell. Then mud will probably be the only food I need…
Sorry, I lost it there for a minute. Stephen Merchant’s coming on the show this week, ‘Citin, to coin a phrase.
You should get your own catch phrase Matt, and no doubt Russ will steal it off you, hehe!
I love the idea of your little pimped bike! You should sell the ideas to halfords (other bike retailers are avaliable) it'd be a top seller! May favourite of your creations was 'pimp your limp' an absolute classic! You dont know how much it cheers me up at work at hospital imagining all the people withs crtutches being pimped!
Cant wait for tomorrow!
xxxx
Great blog as usual!!!
Bike ride sounds like a good idea, but you'll never get old Rusty out with ya . . .he'd never get a helmet (safety essential!!!!) on his barnet!!!
you need to get a tandem to spread the weight more evenly. then russell can come along and just enjoy the lovely view whilst you do all the pedalling up front. and russell wouldnt even need a helmet because the hair is strong enough to withstand any crash! and then everyone's attention will be drawn to russell and no one will notice the nerd who's tying to look like he's been doing this for years! hehe!
Love Jojo
Are you suggesting that the 'onboard computer' that Russell bought you is actually a Flux Capacitor? I jolly well hope so!
It seems that the only accessory you're lacking are the skin-tight Lycra shorts/leggins. Judging by Russell's technophobia, I would've thought his expertise lay more in the skin-tight clothing department than the gadget department.
In any case, I didn't realise there was so much mud in London (or enough to need protective mud-in-mouth guards). I thought it was more of a concrete landscape these days?
Looking forward to the show tomorrow, as always,
Love, Lisa x
Hi matt,
Been listening to the podcasts you did over Christmas and I heard trevor talking about turkmenistan and it dictator whos called Saparmurat Niyazov and he died on january 4th! just week(s) after trevor talked about him.
There was a great quote on the news site i looked at:
“I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want.”
You need to read a book called Mrs Armitage on Wheels, Matt, before it's too late!
Just stay away from France, dude, and whatever you do, don't ever mention the Italian word for "turn". Never.
Morning Matt!
Glad to hear you're still alive Matt. We need someone to keep ol' Rusty something verging on sane.
Also, I like the idea of your pimped bike. I reckon you should put a picture up on the webby, to inspire a whole new generation of bike nerds.
(P.s I have been mocked shamelessly by my friends following my comment about you desreving a 'beak' being read out the other week. I did indeed mean break, and now I'm being threatened by people wanting to tell my english teacher ;-) )
Keep safe and keep smiling,
Alex
xxx
Hi Matt, I think you need to get back to basics, nippy as it may be there's always a naked bike ride going on somewhere, sometimes its a form of protest sometimes its just bloody good fun. P.s I'm sure they'll let you keep the gloves on. XX
Good news Matt!
Remember all those months ago when you talked about your fear of dogs, cos you got told one had sex with you?
Well good news, because i just read somewhere that dogs actually have sex back to back- not doggy style!
What you experienced was merely a dominance gesture (where ejaculation is VERY rare). It establishes its position in the pack and starts with the smallest first, ie you.
Dogs do the dirty by going bum to bum, getting a leg over and sticking it in (a position i'm sure ol' Russ has done a few times before). The actual act is called Knotting, which is where we get the expression "get knotted!" from.
Hope thats helped you overcome your fear.
Hello to Trev 'the legend' Lock & Ol' Russ
Michael from dunchurch
Matt, I hope this cycling is not just a fad after having spent all your money on gadgetry.
I expect to see you in the next British Olympic Cycling Team.
So.......Russell is working out with a personal trainer(according to his column in today's Guardian). Could this signify a little friendly rivalry in the Brand/Morgan coalition?Is Russell worried that you'll get too "pimped up" and leave him sulking and fretting in his Dior and Versace whilst you flex your muscles for Queen and country?
Can't imagine Mr Brand pounding the pavements in his lycra, jewellery a-jangling, so I guess that puts you in the driving-sorry, cycling-seat?!
Everything in moderation though! By the way, have you given your bike a name? Something to rival "Cooper"?
soon you will have a group of sporty nerds forming a bike riding army behind you.
hahaha.
xAmidaBuddhax
ms le
dear oh dear lol what happened to the bike just being a phase now you will feel commited to keeping it up because you have invested so much money in it. at least while you are using the bike you will be burning off all the calories you get from eaten a meal where ever you go if russell is to be believed listening to the radio show its very funny :)
i know what u mean matt, my dad recently did a lands end to john'o groats bike ride and took a pair or weird shorts with a spongy thing to pad ur bum. but my dad put it on the wrong way for the first week making him feel quite proud about his new "padded" package. however it was aparently very uncomfortable :S
ps i know u get alot of nags about rusty not ding the blog, but if he did it would be unreadable gibberish. keep up the good (readable) work :]
you could use go faster stripes as a weightless accessory, or even take off some weight using go faster holes, or just start a new tv show, pimp my bike, i would watch that.
Please Please Please can Russell do a blog for once.
If you like youtube.
Type in 'tony blair'
& click on the first video
bloody funny :)
xx
Ha! thats so funny!
I was reading this in I.T, and i really shouldn't of been, so i drew some attension to myself when i randomly started laughing, and made my teacher have a rant about how we shouldn't be on any other websites apart from the one's that have somethng to do with are work! matt, you got me into trouble! ha ha!
HELLO
kARAS, HERE!
WE WATCHED YOUR DVD YESTARDAY.
IT WAS MY FIRST VIEWING!
WHAT A GREAT STAND UP.
IWAS SO SURPRISED AT HOW CLEVER AND CHARMING IT WAS.
TO MY MIND IT WAS ART IN PROGRESS.
I,VE NEVER SEEN ANY OTHER COMEDIAN WITH SUCH AN INSIGHTFUL UNDERSTANDING OF THE STATUS QUO.
NOT AFRAID TO NUDGE INSTITUTED WAYS OF PERCIEVING LIFE.
WELL, RUSS I DIDDNT KNOW YOU WERE SUCH A MANY FASETED MULTI LAYERED INDIVIDUAL. I MEAN THAT IN A ADMIRING WAY.
TAKING THINGS TO THE PENULTIMATE LEVEL, YOU MANAGE TO GIVE US A GLIMPSE OF THE TRUE NATURE OF THINGS. I LOVED THE WAY YOU STEPPED OUT OF YOURSELF AND LOOKED OBJECTIVELY AT OUR HUMAN FOIBALLS.
I WAS SHOCKED AT THE CHARECTERS YOU WERE EXPERIMENTING WITH BUT ALSO PROFOUNDLY TOUCHED AT THE WAY THEY CROSSED THE BOUNDARIES OF PERCEPTION. IT WAS TRULY ART IN ACTION.
VERY BRAVE INDEED.
YOUR NOT AFRAID TO PUT PEOPLE OFF IN YOUR QUEST TO EXPRESS THE TRUTH BEHIND LIVING IN SOCIETIES RULES . SO YOUR FOLLOWING WILL BE OF A GENRE THAT APPRECIATES THIS FORM OF ART.
I THINK YOU DESERVE TO WIN A TURNER PRISE.
ITS BIN AMAZING HAVING KARA HERE WITH ME. WE HAVE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.
HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU WONT MARRY ONE WOMAN. AS WE WILL ENTER INTO MATRIMONY WITH YOU IN A VIRTUALL WAY .
I THINK WE,LL ENJOY BEING YOUR CYBER WIVES!
ARE YOU OK TODAY?
WE WANT YOU, RUSSELL TO KNOW THAT WE LOVE YOU TO BITS.
YOU ARE SPECIEL TO US , AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
WE WANT TO LOOK AFTER YOU MY DARLING.
WHEN YOU SMILE YOU LIGHT UP EVERYTHING, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
I KNOW I HAVE SOMETIMES BIN HARD ON YOU, BUT I DIDNT UNDERSTAND YOU AS WELL AS I DO NOW I,VE SEEN YOUR DVD.
YOU HAVE FEARLESSLY PUT YOURSELF ON THE LINE FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN.
YOU HAVE SHOWN US YOU, WARTS AND ALL.
I FEEL TRUST HAS BIN EXCHANGED BY YOUR HONESTY
DONT PUT YOURSELF UNDER ANY PRESSURE OUT THERE IN HAWAII. OK. JUST HAVE A RESTFULL TIME AND GET SOME STRENGTH IN YOUR SOUL FOR WHEN YOU COME BACK TO THE UK.
EVERY THING IS GOING TO BE SO FINE!
YOU KNOW WE,RE ROOTING FOR YOU.
I THINK YOU HAVE A MUCH GREATER UNDERSTANDING OF WHO YOU ARE,THAN YOU REALISE RUSS!
LISTEN TO THE VOICE AF REASON AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART. ITS ALL THERE.
ALL THERE! YOU ARE AND HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO BE WHO YOU ARE.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GET USED TO GROWING INTO THE YOU THAT UNDERSTANDS YOURSELF. TOLLERATE YOURSELF AND DISCOVER LEARNING TO ENJOY WHO YOU ARE.
MMMMM AS MUCH AS WE ALL DO
BABY YOUR A STAR. LOOK FORWARD TO THE SHOW BYEEEE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
No show on Saturday night!!!!!!!!!!!
We should start some riots in the countryside, obstructing cricketers on village greens and knocking off the hats of the butchers, shouting "Meat is Murder", then ask for a pound of sausages an apologise.
In urban areas we should shout, "No more civil war between Chavvies and Posh Boys, STOP, live in peace!"
wE,RE ALL VICTIMS OF WETERN CAPITALISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY.
OK YA,
BIGGIN IT UP,IIII.!!!!
Buckinham palace should fly the flag at half mast. !
Well, really. some of us have incorporated the show as an institution to cope with life as we know it..........
When Russ, becomes a mainstream institution in fifty years and presents blancketty blank, and the generation game.
The newer, young upstarts, will be shoved to one side, then Russ will be able to have a wry smile and nod his head knowingly.
As it stands, Russell Brand is a family name, but an intruiging unknown quantity, loved by the more riskay part of society, with his naughty unpredictability.
I think I prefer the latter.
As our foxy man reduces us all to howls of laughter.
Hey Russ, why dont you start writing your own comments on this sight, a little thaught every day and we can ALL reply!
It would be so exciting, there would be skorch marks to the library!
If you want to fly anyone over to comfort you, dont invite Ryan. NO, NO , you wanna fly me an me mate over.
We,d keep you happy, get in touch with the experimental part of you.
I know you miss us! You an Mat miss us so much!
Well, wiv all those G. I.s we wouldnt stand a chance.
Anyway, Mat an Russ take yer sunglasses off and get down an dirty wiv yer fans, you never know, mmmm?
Oh, alright maybe not. It will get tedious bloggin nothin , no one, an entity of void, for the nex two weeks.
lOADSA LOVE, AN THINKIN OF YOU
BYEEEE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I remember when I was a young child and a close family member tried to sexually abuse me, I remember the felling of darkness closing in on my space. I said no. He told me if I told any one the black man would get me. I got out of the bath and went down stairs, I was about 7/9 years of age. I could see my self from above as I looked at my mum in the kitchen and I just came out with what happened to my mum, after that I suppose I must have been told to go to my room, as I don't remember much after that. I was thinking about the feeling of seeing things differently tonight, and the thought came back to me of looking at myself from above, when i told my mum what had nearly happened, all I can say is if I had written it down before I got the computer it would Have been good, Like most things I come to realise I like the words to a song I have to write them down as they come in to my head, or speak the words in to a phone. My mind went blank some one don't want what i know to be told you and I dont think its God.