Fran the Kiss-A-Scam gets DI(rty)

Local business news first. Can it really be possible that the Tall Ship is driving the Oyster out of business solely on the basis of Eileen's 2-for-1 coffee deal? Sounds unlikely. I have never seen anyone in the Ship drinking coffee, ordering one or even suggesting to anyone that they go there for a quick Capuccino. In fact - and I swear this is true - I have never known anyone in Scotland to go to a pub for coffee. You'd be sectioned under the Mental Health Act for even suggesting such social deviance. And are the hardy souls of Shiedinch so squeamish and disloyal that they've abandoned the Oyster just because there were a few mice in the basement. Don't buy that either. So is it personal hatred for Gina and Murray? Well, she's a bit moany and he's an tedious fusspot but that's hardly grounds for driving them into the ground.



I'm not a business expert but I think the key to the Oyster's revival lies in diversification: you could get a tattoo parlour in the back which would attract much-needed young people (other than the current holy trinity of Deek, Wee Bob and Stella on her break); have themed nights (maybe a cake-tasting followed by a Zumba class to work of the calories?), or get Liz to hold her unofficial Neighbourhood Watch meetings there which would bring in every paranoid curtain-twitcher in Shieldinch, of which there are many.



And now to Frances and specifically her evil maw who resides at what appears to be the last remaining civilised care home in the country. It does contain plenty of filth, disease and squalor but of the moral, not physical, kind, lurking entirely in the head of the dead-eyed, croakily-monotoned old bird who must be the world's nastiest screen mother since the Joan Crawford character in Mommie Dearest.



I don't know about anyone else, but I felt a bit of a cold shudder when she casually croaked that her morally vexed daughter should bring Lennie to her home where she would kill him herself. I didn't doubt for a minute she was being sincere but I did wonder what her most effective method of execution would be. I think we have to rule out guns or physical force - the former would be banned in care homes, while the latter is not permitted either unless it's by under-trained staff on an elderly person daring to ask if there's a remote possibility they could have their soiled sheets changed. Besides, Lennie's quite good at exteme violence.



So how would the demonic old bat do the dirty deed? Well, she could lure him to stand right next to her (maybe pretending she's a bit corned beef), lean over and clamp his nose with her wallies. While Lennie is temporarily incapacitated, she could trip him to the ground with her stick and then for the coup de grace she could dunk his head in a basin filled with several weeks' worth of her unemptied catheters until he drowned.



Poor old Frances though. One day she might actually get to kiss someone who doesn't either fill her with fear and disgust (Lennie) or just plain disgust (DI Donald). And she better watch out too about missing her key appointments at the Salon. She might well be one of "the best stylists in the business" (Hayley's words, not mine) but that's the same line old Jack used to come out with about himself and looked what happened to him! He used to live in mortal fear of ending up having to do back-street blue rinses and I fear that fate may await Frances if she's not careful.



Finally, I'm dreading the accidentally high-brow Valentine's quiz night at the community centre, aka Bob and Stella's reception. If the questions are anything like the ones Liz was proposing (i.e. aimed at an audience of English Literature Professors) then it's going to end in a 0-0 draw, a result no-one likes. On the other hand, you can't simply deal with that problem by proposing, as Bob did, to go to the other end of the spectrum by setting questions about Cashley Cole and his on/off missus..some singer apparently. There would be nothing left in the middle for those quizzers who can't quote Lord Byron and don't read Heat magazine. So that definitely needs to be sorted out.

Wot? No new Blog? What is the point of this feature if it is not kept up to date?



We need to hear about Leyla and Gabriel and the idiots Scarlett and Nicole!!



Also, why do Leya and Tattie have only one coat each? Do the coats compensate in each case for the lack of personality?



What does Gabriel see in Leyla by the way? How, anyway, could Michael be related to the gorgeous Gabriel?



Also, what does Tattie see in "Big Bob"? beyond comprehension!!!!

Apparently, Big Bob isn't just called "Big" because of his waistline. Or so I've heard.....

And another thing...Leyla's hairstyle is remarkably similar to the one sported by Laurence Olivier playing Richard the Third in his celebrated 1955 film version of Shakespeare's Play. Google it if you can't remember or don't know what I'm on about.

River city has been really gripping lately.Never thought that Leyla and Gabriel would get together really surprised at that.And Geena breaking up with Murray that is such a pity as they were so happy together.Really sad that Malcolms suffering from dementia.Its so heart breaking to see a loved one forgetting things due to the dementia.Liz must be devastated about Malcolm.But i know that Liz and the family and all his friends will be their to help him.I guess this means that Malcolm will be leaving the series.I have been watching River City for years and many a laugh has been had by Liz and malcolm,they are so good together and wonderful actors.He did his part so well in the Sheildinch panto.Johnny Beattie is so talented and has played his part so well.Really enjoying River cty it keeps getting better and better each week.

Hi guys, so sorry about the lack of Blog this week it will be back as normal after this week's episode!